Finals Be Damned. Posting Shall Continue

Okay so I am studying for finals but unlike those suckers in The Paper Chase I will not let studying ruin my having a good time. This means that you readers are lucky because I will continue to post whenever I feel like it. Of course since I actually am studying the posts will probably be shorter than usual and slightly less witty. (I say slightly because my wittiness factor is quite low to start off with so any decline would have to be slight even if I were became completely devoid of any and all wit.) Also since the DDC is just weeks away I will probably be focused on golf related things. Since my Partnership Tax exam is tomorrow and I don't stand a snow ball's chance in hell of getting a good grade in it at this point I am going to let a guest writer do my job for me. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you David Feherty.

As an encore, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the ever-so-classy, John Daly.

And so it begins...

Classes are officially over. It is exam go time. Original posts will be sporadic at best for a couple of weeks but look for continued NFL DDC related press releases.

Earthquake '08: Day..um...something

Yet another earthquake tore through St. Louis again this afternoon. I thought it was a truck again but sure enough, it was a tremor. I need to stock up on water and spam.

Nolan/Ostrander Pick Up Yet Another Set of Endorsements

Columbus, OH - In a late night press conference from an undisclosed location somewhere in central Ohio, a joint press conference was called by Justin Boren, Osama bin Laden, William Ayers, Kim Jong Il, and Cobra Commander to issue their support of Matt Nolan and Michael Ostander in the 2008 NFL DDC. Upon hearing this news former supporters of Nolan and Ostrander, including Michigan Head Coach Rich Rodriguez and former Coach Lloyd Carr, immediately renounced their support and declared support for Team Roush-Stachowiak. Kathy and Shemy Schembechler also came out and said that their late husband and father, Bo Schembechler, would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the current situation. The Michigan Supreme Court has invalidated Schembechler's will on public policy grounds and declared it illegal for any Michigan resident, former resident, or alumnus from any institution in Michigan to declare support for anyone other than Roush and Stachowiak.

TEAM NOLAN/OSTRANDER PICK UP MAJOR ENDORSEMENTS

Ann Arbor - According to local sources, new University of Michigan Head Football Coach Rich Rodriguez and his predecessor, Lloyd Carr, have scheduled a 1:00PM (EST) news conference to announce that they will pledge their complete support to Matthew J. Nolan and Michael Ostrander in the 2008 NFL DDC at Cog Hill. The announcement is the first major endorsement in what is expected to be a month full of celebrity interest in the annual golf tournament. When reached by phone late last night, Coach Carr exclaimed, "I think these two Michigan Men are absolutely tremendous. They have an opportunity to become legends in a legendary event." Coach Rodriguez also commented, saying, "I fully support Nolan and Ostrander as true examples of Michigan Men and the only true champions of the NFL DDC. Additionally, if I had decided not to endorse their team, Mike Barwis threatened to 'kick my lily-white ass'." While this announcement comes as little surprise to those who closely follow the situation, the most shocking revelation that is set to be discussed at the press conference is the announcement that Michigan coaching legend Glenn E. "Bo" Shembechler included a provision in his will providing that no members of the DDC other than Nolan and Ostrander can ever claim an endorsement from any true Michigan Men. In related news, Justin Boren is scheduled to announce his endorsement of Team Roush/Stachowiak later this week.

UPDATE: It has been learned that the author of the above story had been sniffing glue all night long and may have had glue related hallucinations. As such, nothing in the above story should be taken seriously. The reporter is currently in rehab. May God have mercy on his soul.

Those Who Stay Will Be Champions

I have edited this post because I believe my earlier post was too rash. I have calmed down and decided only to say that if you want to play for Michigan great, if you don't, there's the door. Where you go after you leave is your own decision.

(I still want to win at least the next three meetings though.)

You're killing me Smalls! You're killing me.

This is a brillant post and I am a little mad I had not thought of it myself. I just want to know who is Wendy Peppercorn?

Earth Day Tips

Okay, so today is Earth Day and since Bubba Tunes is all about being green, today we will discuss (now that we have discussed T-shirts, Cubs Tickets, Jake Long, and DDC copiers) the problem of rising gas and energy prices. All of those readers that drive are well aware the price at the pump has gotten way out of hand. When I started driving I could fill up the entire tank for $8.00. Today this would barely get me 2 gallons at the local Shell station.

There are a lot of variables that contribute to the rising cost of gasoline but one solution pushed is bio-diesel and ethanol. Bio-diesel and ethanol use corn and other crops that will not only be a greener alternative to regular gas but will also reduce the price at the pump. Here’s the rub: using food for fuel apparently is not a good idea. Okay so you will only have to pay a buck to fill your SUV but you will have to boil your tires for food because that is all that’s left.

Another solution to rising gas prices that has spread over the internet over the years is to get everyone to pick one day when nobody buys gas. Oops. One-day gas boycotts is like having America stop going to McDonald’s on July 1st to reduce the price on Quarter Pounders with Cheese. On July 2nd the burgers will still be there and will still cost the same.

Okay okay, if there is no effective way to reduce demand quickly to lower the price, what about using a biofuels that don’t require using food? Excellent question, how about using algae instead of corn? Wrong…at least for now. While algae-based biofuel may be a solution down the line, right now it is just too darn expensive.

Okay Mike, what the hell do you propose then? Well, who says there is a problem? All I know is that I could stand to drop a couple pounds. I do have to fit into that “Those Who Stay Will Be Champions” t-shirt after all.

If you really want to do something to stop polluting like a crazy bastard here are some easy things that you can do:
1. Recycle - duh.
2. Use reusable bags at the grocery store--This is cheap and easy. The bags hold more stuff and if you shop at Trader Joe's they actually give you a discount for using reusable bags. Nifty.
3. Walk to the store across the street--I know you have a pimp ass ride but if it only takes a few minutes to walk then break out the Adidas Sambas and walk there.
4. Use long lasting light bulbs--These are cool not only because they use less energy and last longer, but they also come in cool twirly shapes.
5. Turn off the damn lights--If you aren't using the room, turn off the lights.
6. If you have a yard grow some veggies--I don't know exactly how this works as far as being environmentally sound but my guess is that if you eat vegetables that were not exposed to pesticides and were never shipped on a truck there would be that much less pesticides and gas emissions in the atmosphere. I think growing a garden is cool just because you can get in mad tomato fights with the neighbors.
7. Stop smoking-- This definitely has nothing to do with the environment but damn it I hate smelling like an ash tray every time I go to the bar.
8. When in doubt ask yourself, "what would that crying Indian think?"--You know the Indian that was really Italian from that commercial in the 1970s? Of course you do. If you are about to chuck something out of your car ask yourself if that Indian/Italian would cry or not. If there is no tear, have no fear. If he starts to cry, just pass on by. Emily Dickinson eat your heart out.
9. Convince your friends to buy hybrid cars but you don't buy one yourself--Right now the money you would pay for a hybrid is more than you would save at the pump but if your friends all buy hybrids less gas would be consumed. This has two good effects: 1. Less gas emissions; and 2. Lower demand and price of gas for you. In a few years when hybrids are worth it, then go for it. Until then let the swells take the burden.

I know there are some of you that want to bring littering back so there will be jobs for people like Hooty the Owl but you should remember that picking up litter would just provide more jobs for illegal immigrants and nobody wants that.

P.S. This message was brought to you by the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt, not Al Gore.

Long Gone.

Jake Long is the first Michigan Wolverine to be selected as the number one draft pick since Tom Harmon had the same honor in 1941.

Congrats Jake.

The St. Louis Rams are on the clock and would be wise to select the other Long.

Delusional NFL DDC Member Thinks the Cubs are Worth Support

Chicago (AP): With less than a month to go until the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill, final preparations are underway and details are being finalized. Matt Nolan held a press conference at the Haray Caray statue outside of beautiful Wrigley Field this morning to announce that the final two bleacher tickets for the competitors and their ladies for the May 18th Cubs v. Pirates game had been procured. "This is a big step for the DDC,"said Nolan, grinning in the wake of the Cubs' 7-1 win on Monday night that gave the Northsiders their first 13-6 start in over 20 years. "Now we'll all be able to watch the 2008 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs defeat the Pirates again, just like they have in their first six meetings this season." When reminded that he is the only Cubs fan who will be competing in the NFL-DDC, Nolan shrugged and remarked, "that's only one of us who's winning a World Series AND the Birdie this year, then." Because of increased traffic on Lakeshore and Grace St. near Nolan's apartment, Chicago commuters are encouraged to drive Halsted St. to and from work in the mornings at least until May 19th.

Jamar Adams = DDC Wannabe

This is the most blatant case of copy catism (that is the legal term) in the history of America. Although it could be the most flattering example of flattering in the history of flattering. The jury is still out. Mr. Adams should mind his Ps and Qs until the DDC legal action team has finished their research (Matt, get on this because I am too lazy.) Right now it may just be a round of golf on the day of the NFL draft but if he decides to give that round a name, play his friends for a trophy from Things Remembered, or put up gift cards for longest drive contests, then I am absolutely sure there will be a open and shut case of first degree ripping off.

Happy Earth Day.

Be sure to give a pile of dirt, a tree, or a bull frog a nice big hug today.

Total Mind Blow: I received the following e-mail from Moe Sport Shop:

"Hello Michael,We received your order today, but have unfortunately run out of the "Those who stay" Tee in XL. The only sizes we have are small through large. I do have "The Team. The Team. The Team." in XL. Let us know whether you would like to substitute a different item, or if you would prefer the I remove that item from your order and ship the Nike Polo. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Have a great day and thank you for choosing Moe's."

I decided to take the "The Team" shirt. I guess the XL's didn't stay on the shelves and are therefore not to be considered champions.

In other news, I have decided to lose weight so I can wear large t-shirts instead of XLs.

Snow Falls on Atlanta

This is surprising to me. Tony Snow at CNN is like having Dee Dee Myers at Fox News. Wait a second...CNN grabbed Ari Fleischer first, now Tony Snow...Fox News needs to go after Scott McClellan hard to prevent CNN having the trifecta of retired George W. Bush press secretaries. I actually am not surprised that CNN has hired Snow. He is an extremely popular figure in conservative circles (see my bulletin board from college) and he brings a history of successful ratings at Fox News and on radio. Fox is killing CNN in the ratings and I honestly think CNN's move here will take away some viewers. If Snow were to get his own show a la Bill O'Reilly CNN could do quite well. All I know is that tomorrow when I tune in to the coverage of the Pennsylvania primaries I will definitely switch away from Brit Hume from time to time to see what my boy Tony Snow has to say. (By the way, who in their right mind would name their child anything other than "Brit Hume?" That has got to be the best name in the history of names.)

Earthquake 2008: Day Four

Forty minutes past midnight I felt yet another aftershock. Each passing tremor is more intense that the one before it and I fear that there is little time before the whole of the Midwest is sucked under the Earth's crust in a violent showing of nature's wrath.

Okay that may not actually happen. The aftershock last night was just a shade above the level our apartment vibrates when a large dump truck passes by. So fear not fellow earthquake '08 survivors, we shall get through this together or separately depending on your level of cooperation in these harsh times.

Earthquake '08: Day One

At 4:37 this morning the entire St. Louis area was engulfed in shaking. It was as if the metropolitan area went to the Broookstone store at the mall, sat in the demo massaging chair, and hit the "medium" button. This pre-dawn tremor was centered in Southeast Illinois measured 5.2 on the "shakability ranking" and could be felt as far away as Michigan and Florida. The last time a quake this strong hit the Midwest was in 1968. Incidentally that was the same year the Cardinals were jobbed out of a World Series title. I was, of course, sleeping when the quake hit and continued to sleep until the asshole alarm clock woke me up. The terror I felt once I learned about the quake when I turned on the car radio was non-existent although I was hoping FEMA would swoop in and give me $2,000 and a trailer. As this story develops (which it won't) I will keep you informed because I promise to have the best Earthquake '08 coverage on the internet.

UPDATE: I am still in class.

UPDATE 2: This undate's title was not in bold because I didn't feel like it. As one really on the ball poster has already mentioned, there was an aftershock to this morning's earthquake. I was sitting at home and actually felt it. I guess it could have been the can of beans I had just eaten though.

Spring is Here; Time to Dress Like Idiots

The weather over the last couple of days has been absolutely perfect. The sky has been a bright, crisp blue. The wind has been blowing gently bring with it the sweet smell of the nectar from the blossoming and colorful flowers, plants, and trees. The sun shines and the Earth which has been so cold and hard for months has started to warm and soften under heat of the sun. Also jackoffs around the St. Louis area have started wearing flip flops with blue jeans.

If there is one thing I cannot stand it is jackoffs wearing long pants and flip flops. WTF! I know you are asking yourself, "But Mike, what about people that aren't jackoffs that wear flip flops with long pants?" The problem with that question is that people that wear flip flops and long pants automatically become jackoffs by deciding to wear flip flops with long pants. Flip flops, if they need to be worn at all (and I don't think they ever need to be worn), should only be worn with the following articles of clothing:

1. Hawaiian Shirt
2. Swimming Suit
3. There is no number 3.

That being said even should you wear an outfit that properly occasions the wearing of flip flops, you may only wear the flip flops in the following situations:

1. At the pool.
2. At the beach.
3. On a chartered deep sea fishing boat.

I remind you that flip flops are not at all necessary in any of these situations so if you don choose to wearing them even in these slightly less jackoffy situations you will still give off very strong jackoff vibes to everyone around you.

In deed I do believe the only perfectly acceptable situation for wearing flip flops, and actually a situation in which I actually strongly recommend the use of flip flops, is when taking a shower in a college dorm or gym locker room. That is the sole (pun sort of intended) purpose of flip flops: to keep your feet from becoming infected with some type of M.R.S.E. that the frat guy living next door picked up at his last hazing when he had to steal bio-waste from the hospital and drink it.

I probably would not get so upset if I just saw people wearing flip flops while wearing shorts. I could understand that. It's hot, I want my legs and feet to stay cool so I will let them breathe. I personally don't do it but I get it. I do not get why these jackoffs decide that the weather and temperature is just so that I want to keep my legs covered up but let my fungal covered feet out in public for all to see just how nasty and hairy they actually are. Why don't you just by a pair of electric blue Crocs, rent a tuxedo, and really hit up the town in style? You would look just as good as with your flip flops and blue jeans but at least people will just assume that you are "special" and not a jackoff, which of course, you are. End of rant.

By the way, happy belated birthday to Nolan, Burke, and the Pope.

Woods Surgery Cover for DDC Work?

(From TMZ.com--and Jim Stachowiak)

Yesterday, on his website Tiger Woods announced that he will be having surgery on his right knee and thus will not be participating in any tour events for the next 4-6 weeks while rehabbing his surgically repaired knee. While this is from his official website, TMZ.com has sources who say the striped one may not be being totally honest with his fans. Tiger Woods is a known supporter of Jim Stachowiak and Mike Roush when it comes to the only major that he cannot officially participate in, the NFL DDC. After two crushing defeats to Nolan and Ostrander the last couple of years, Tiger feels that he may has some inside knowledge on this year’s course, Cog Hill, that will help Roush and Stachowiak reclaim “the birdie” says an unidentified tour member. “He wants to help, but he wants to fly under the radar to catch Nolan and Ostrander off guard, that is why he concocted this injury story.” Looking at Woods’ timetable for return, five weeks from the surgery date would be May 20th, the week after the DDC, giving him enough time away from the tour and the media to work with Roush and Stachowiak on their strategy. Also, TMZ.com has learned that Woods will be ‘rehabbing” at a facility in Hannibal, Missouri. What is the significance of that? Well, Hannibal is roughly half way between St. Louis and Iowa City, or the respective homes of Roush and Stachowiak. These “coincidences” lead many on tour to believe that Woods isn’t actually having surgery at all, I guess we’ll find out come DDC weekend.

Other DDC News:

Following this weekend’s incident with a Red Sox fan burying a Red Sox jersey under the new Yankee Stadium as a curse on the Yankees, rumors have begun spreading that Roush and Stachowiak may have attempted to put a similar curse on Nolan and Ostrander. Reached at work Stachowiak stated that Michael and Shannon Ostrander may be surprised at what they’d find if they took a jackhammer to the foundation of their recently completed home in Belding. He would not specify, but said that some Roush-Stachowiak memorabilia was let onsite during a covert summer 2007 trip to Belding as a curse on Nolan and Ostrander. Mike Roush would not comment on the situation when approached this week and Nolan and Ostrander were unavailable for comments. With the golf world focused on the DDC, sparks seem to be beginning to fly. Stay tuned for more on this story.

Tiger Where art Thou?

Tiger, my man, where were you on Sunday? All you had to do was make up 6 shots and you would be Master's champion yet again. The media cannot believe you didn't win just by showing up. They cannot believe that Hooty Johnson didn't just hand you the green jacket because your name was in the headlines more than anyone else in the field. I guess winning the Masters actually takes some work. (Not as much work as it takes to win the DDC, but a lot of work nonetheless.) Tiger Woods has never come from behind on Sunday to win a major (he has never lost the lead going into the final round either) so why is everyone screaming and yelling at Tiger now? Do you think it may be because they had hyped this as Tiger's year to win the Grand Slam and now their storyline is gone? Ah crap, I have to start paying attention in class again. Until I return entertain your self here.

The Anger Sharks are Circling in my Head

I hate Notre Dame. I hate them so much. I am using the word hate here. They shouldn't have even been in this tournament. Damn it all to hell. Okay I am done venting...okay one more thing...AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

There, now I feel better...AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

I would just love it if Michigan actually came through in a big game just once.


Update: The anger sharks are still there but I have found an outlet.

NFL DDC Anticipation Grows

Today marks the opening round of the 2008 Masters in Augusta, Georgia but golf fans everywhere have been unable pry their attention away from Chicago where final preparations are being made at Cog Hill where the 2008 NFL DDC will be held in May.

“Tiger Woods has been picked to win the green jacket again so all I care about is how the rough is growing at Cog Hill,” said George Miller of Monterey, California. “Its thickness will the key factor in determining the outcome of the DDC.”

Course conditions have been the focus of many fans’ attention but NFL DDC members have noticed an increase in paparazzo and hangers-on in recent weeks.

“It used to be I could go to the grocery store without much of a following but now every time I have to pick up a gallon of milk I have hundreds of people clamoring for autographs and dozens of flash bulbs popping in my face,” said Mike Roush. “All I want is to pick up my dry cleaning without having to sign a baby’s forehead.”

The increased attention that surrounds the NFL DDC players leading up to the event is not new and some players have made plans in preparation of this phenomenon. Michael Ostrander has been in seclusion at an undisclosed location in Florida to escape the crowds.

“I had tried to lay low in Greektown this past weekend but I was not safe even there. After trying to relax at the Greektown Casino, I had to leave in a hurry under the protection of four or five security guards for my own safety.” Ostrander said.

Las Vegas Experiencing DDC Effect

Chicago (AP):

A mere five weeks away, the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill is beginning to not only affect the city of Chicago, but is also spreading its economic benefits south and west. In an official notice and/or promotional email offer received earlier today by NFL-DDC Chicago Host Committee chair Matt Nolan, it became known that the cost of being near "the other action" in Las Vegas over this year's NFL-DDC weekend is rapidly skyrocketing. "Rooms at the Luxor cost $339 and $359 over NFL-DDC weekend, while not cracking $300 any other night during the months of April, May or June," said Nolan. "Clearly, those not able to find lodgings near Chicago are sprinting toward the next best place to "participate" in the game.

While the official NFL-DDC fan poll being conducted at www.bubbatunes.blogspot.com has Stachowiak/Roush ahead 60%-40%, the early lines in Vegas favor Nolan and Ostrander on the 16th hole. "The oddsmakers clearly were not staying at the Milner Hotel in Detroit on Saturday night," said Nolan. "Thank God Mike [Ostrander] has a month to recover from that. Apple Bottom Jeans and please let God keep my partner's liver going through May."

Apple Bottom Jeans and Mike Has a Blog

Here are the things I learned this weekend:

1. When brewing your own beer be sure to stop at Wendy's first.
2. When staying at the Milner Hotel in Detroit be sure not to drive a car or if you do make sure you say you are going to the opera.
3. Pitching a no-hitter into the sixth inning is not always impressive.
4. High schoolers are much better at Guitar Hero than anyone born before 1989 will ever be.
5. LaBatt Blue is the official beer of Paul and Sue.
6. Jilly and the Putz is a catchy song.
7. Bums use taco shells for wallets but cannot use shrimp as bluetooth headsets because they are too hungry.
8. Craps is a very complicated way to lose money.
9. The first two lines of Flo-Rida's "Low."
10. Apparently Greek cafes in Greek Town do not always think timing is important when serving food.
11. It is very easy to create your own lyrics to "Low."
12. Suit coats are not necessary at Detroit casinos.
13. Having teeth is not necessary at Detroit casinos.
14. Having bathed in the last month is not necessary to get into Detroit casinos.
15. Nolan looks exactly like Jack Black to legally blind Michiganders.
16. Australian GPS ladies do not say "mate" after giving you directions. (Also they do not say "crikey," "bloomin'," or "g'day.")
17. Casino security guards are very large serious men that do not like Butts (and for good reason.)
18. Apparently Shawnty wears Apple Bottom Jeans, Nolan wears a sport coat, and I am an asshole.
19. Cougars are real and they are scary.
20. Cougars' moms are just as real and even scarier.
21. The pictures in hotel rooms are not bolted to the wall.
22. Croatian men need to lock the dead bolt to surf the web.
23. Croation men need to surf the web in your hotel room.
24. This city was not only built on rock and roll but also Jesus.
25. Seven mile pedophiles go to Tigers games.
26. Trash cans are only good at containing vomit so long as they are not tipped over.
27. You can fold a twenty dollar bill and make it say "Tits of America, Glenn Beck is an asshole."