Bubba Tunes

Injustice Continues

2009-05-26T10:08:00.001-05:00

ST. LOUIS PROPAGANDA MACHINE IN FULL EFFECT; WARNING TO NFL-DDC FANS AND MEDIA

2009-05-22T10:59:00.000-05:00

St. Louis (AP): In what is sure to be a trend in St. Louis' attempts to remain behind Cleveland in the World's Sh*tiest Cities ("WSC") rankings, the St. Louis hype machine this week took over the nation's airwaves and, using digitally enhanced footage, attempted to convince the viewing public that the St. Louis Cardinals had actually won three baseball games in a row against the Chicago Cubs. "If they're willing to do it for the Cubs/Cards, you know they'll try to convince the world that Roush/Stachowiak will have won the NFL-DDC," said Matt Nolan, co-three-time-defending-champion at the NFL-DDC with Mike Ostrander. "I mean, Chris Carpenter pitching five innings? Come on - what's next, Roush or Stachowiak actually shooting in the 80s? At least try to keep it believable, guys."

Fans and external media are warned not to take anything propogated by the St. Louis media as fact, and to keep an eye on the action themselves to confirm that, indeed, pigs aren't flying, and Nolan and Ostrander are once again holding the Birdie.

Traffic on I-55S and I-255W is already reported to be at unprecedented levels, and while some claim that may be tangentially related to the Memorial Day weekend, the "We Brake for Ostrander" bumper stickers are leading most to agree that it's NFL-DDC cars. The College Gameday Live crew, while slightly out of their element, have already set up in the parking lot at Pevely Farms, and that douche with the Wazzu flag is already there, too.

In a last-minute slew of endorsements, Dave Roush, Ram-Diesel, Paul Stachowiak, Big Dick, Lukas Ostrander, Thomas and Tommy, Jun Takayamaguchi, B-Dawggzz and Juggzzzz, That Chick With the Nasty Acne From the Green Lounge, Fritz Crisler's ghost, the guy who bites the bell pepper on the Iron Chef, Bornopos, LeBron James, Joey Harrington, the Dollar Guy, Hello Faz's ghost, the St. Louis Arch, Herky the Hawkeye, Brett Hull, Manny Legace, Lou Brock, Lee Elia, and Kristy Schmitt endorsed Nolan and Ostrander.

Oprah Winfrey and Hideki Tsutsumi endorsed Roush and Stachowiak. Oprah was not available for comment.

MISSING LINK FOSSIL TELLS MORE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT

2009-05-20T10:06:00.002-05:00

New York (AP) – Just a day after being released to the public, Ida, the fossil that many paleontologists believe to be the “missing link” in human evolution is providing even more information about early human ancestors and possibly even foreshadowing future events. The AP has discovered this photo, taken onsite when the fossil was dug up.

Although it doesn’t say much about early human sign making skills or creativity, it does show that Mike Roush and Jim Stachowiak have been the DDC’s biggest stars for roughly 47 million years. “It is believed that the scientists who discovered Ida were Nolan and Ostrander fans and didn’t want the rest of Nolan Ostrander Nation to be devastated by the news that Mike and Jim’s popularity reaches back that far” says Jim Litke, the reporter who uncovered these photos. “Although, with the economy hurting, Ida’s foreshadowing of the outcome of this year’s DDC may also have had some involvement in the covering up of these photos.” Regardless, the revelation that early humans were huge Roush Stachowiak fans is expected to give Mike and Jim a big boost heading into this weekend’s competition.

DDC ENDORSEMENTS SURPRISE EXPERTS

2009-05-06T12:35:00.003-05:00

SILCON VALLEY, CA (Reuters) -- In a major coup, the world famous blog, Fairly Accurately Rated, has endorsed Team Roush/Stachowiak in the 2009 NFL DDC. A post early this morning praised the team’s effort and resilience despite poor results for the past three years, “While they may not have brought the Birdie home recently, they have stuck to it and fought hard. With the tournament being held in St. Louis, we here at F.A.R. have a good feeling about their chances. Go Jim and Mike!”

The post was removed quickly under mysterious circumstances and hacking may be to blame for the shocking endorsement. On a condition of anonymity a source at F.A.R. had this to say, “F*** those guys. They will not win this golf tournament.”

Today has marked a significant increase in public figures endorsing the teams. Here they are:

Roush/Stachowiak:

Rich Rodriguez, Lloyd Carr, the Family of Bo Schembechler, the Pope, Barack Obama, Jud Heathcote, The estates of Adolf Hitler, Woody Hayes, and Sadaam Hussein, the ghosts of Pontius Pilate and Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Bento Mussolini, The Iron Sheik, King King Bundy, Sid, and The Powers of Pain.

Nolan/Ostrander

Dave Bing, Jim Tressel, Mark Dantonio, Gargamel, the Shredder, Kang, Skeletor, the forces of Cobra, Lex Luthor, The Joker, Bernie Madoff, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Mullah Omar, and the H1N1 virus.

Vice President Joe Biden has thrown his support behind Ben Hogan winning the tournament even though Mr. Hogan has been dead for 12 years.

As the tournament gets closer further endorsements are bound to become public and it is hoped that law enforcement officials from around the world will be there to arrest, capture, or kill most of those making endorsements.

NIKE ANNOUNCES CONTINUED PARTNERSHIP WITH NFL DDC

2009-05-05T10:29:00.003-05:00

Beaverton, OR (AP) – With just under three weeks remaining until the NFL DDC golf tournament in St. Louis, MO, sporting goods giant Nike has announced that the company will continue providing golf balls for the legendary event. Like years past, Nike does not hold exclusivity rights for all golf balls used in the tournament; however, a stipulation in the contract guarantees that all putts must be made using the official NFL DDC golf ball designed by Nike. Failure to use the agreed upon ball is said to result in a penalty, however, the NFL DDC competitors seem to be at odds over the severity of the penalty. DDC legend and 3-time defending champion Matt Nolan suggests that the rule is clear. “Two stroke penalty. That’s the rule. Also, I thought it was funny to say two stroke.” Perennial DDC runner-up, Mike Roush laments the rule, claiming, “If Jim Stachowiak misses a putt using a Srixon, Titlest, or Slazenger, why does it matter what ball he is using? Isn’t my partner’s bad putting penalty enough for our team?” Like much of the rules following the tournament, the use of the Nike ball for putting seems to be steeped in tradition, more than reality. According to lovable loser Jim Stachowiak, “I like the rule. I think it is classic.” When asked to what rule he was referring, and to define the particulars of the rule, Stachowiak responded, “All of them. All of the rules are classic. It’s the NFL DDC, baby! It’s a tradition unlike any other. That’s the rule.” As the date of the tournament approaches, speculation continues to swirl regarding illegal pre-tournament play on the official golf course, Pevely Farms. DDC champion Michael Ostrander touched on the topic, saying, “I’m sure that Jim and Mike have played the course. In fact, I hope they have. We could be playing on a course designed by Jim, with remote control balls operated by Mike, and Team Nolan/Ostrander would still win The Birdie.” With all players firmly into their pre-tournament routine, the excitement is sure to heat up in the next couple of weeks. Speaking on behalf of Nike, CEO Mark Parker wished all of the competitors good luck, saying, “Nike is pleased to continue our partnership with the NFL DDC. This year, we look forward to the elimination of bush-league tactics, such as the use of Karma, and encourage the players to get their Mojo working in an effort to win the prestigious trophy, The Birdie.” As Parker was leaving, he was seen placing a bet on Nolan/Ostrander to win the NFL DDC for a record 4^th consecutive year.

SOUTER RETIRES CITING NEED TO FOCUS ON DDC

2009-04-30T23:44:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) – Justice David Souter has announced that he will retire from the Supreme Court. Asked why he has decided to retire, Souter said, “Well I have spent enough time on the bench doing this and that but it is time for me to do something really important, heading the NFL DDC rules committee.”

“While I respect Souter’s choice to retire, the position of head rules official is not just his to take,” stated long time DDC member and rule breaker Matt Nolan, “He will have to go through the same application and vetting process as everyone else.”

Souter, appointed by George H. W. Bush, but leaned moderate to liberal in his decisions said he will do whatever it takes to be an official part of the DDC.

“Look, I’ll do anything to get the position. You want more guns? Great, have more guns. You want more civil liberties and personal freedom from the government? I will write a judicial order granting whatever the hell you want, just give me the damn job.”

Stay tuned for further developments on this breaking story.

Official 2009 NFL DDC Players' Itinerary

2009-04-28T16:42:00.002-05:00

Friday:
8 PM – TBD: Arrive at el apartment de Roush
TBD: Couples vs. Couples Laser Tag in U City
TBD: Hitting Lumiere Place for some rehash of the infamous Ostrander Bachelor Party
TBD: A quick bite at the Courtesy Diner for some world famous “Slingers”
Later: 1st ever NFL DDC Par Three Contest under the Lights at Tower Tee
Later: Sleep

Saturday:
7:14 AM: Pro-Am Tee Off at Gateway National Golf Club
Noon: Lunch at Fast Eddie’s Bon-Air
1 pm: Feed the goats at Grant’s Farm
2 pm: Tour of Schlafly Brewery
2:15 pm: Brew own beer at Schlafly Bottleworks
5:00 pm: SUIT UP!!! –Water Park at Six Flags
8:00 pm: Dinner at Hardee’s
9:00 pm: Drinks at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse
10:00 pm: Desserts at Bailey’s Chocolate Bar
Midnight: Round 2 of the 1st ever NFL DDC Par Three Contest Under the Lights at Tower Tee
2 am: Drinks at Hooter’s

Sunday:
7:00 am: Mass
8:08 am: Tee off at Pevely Farms
1 pm: Lunch/Viewing of Terminator Salvation at Moolah Theatre and Bowling Alley
4pm: Updated Mike Roush Reality Tour
5pm: Official DDC Charity Event: Pan-handling at the corner of Grand and Garfield Ave
6:30 pm: Official DDC Photo at Busch Stadium under the 2006 World Championship Flag.
10 pm: NFL DDC Banquet at Pujols Five Restaurant
Midnight: Dave and Buster’s until we puke.

Monday:
Morning: Get the hell out of Missouri

SPECTER CHANGES ALLIANCES

2009-04-28T14:09:00.000-05:00

Washington DC (AP) – Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter shocked the nation this afternoon by switching his loyalties. At a press conference announcing his switch from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party, Pen. Senator Arlen Specter made waves by also announcing that he would no longer be supporting Roush/Stachowiak in the DDC. The longtime supporter had this to say, “Whereas Mike and Jim at one time represented what I stood for, I find myself much more aligned with Nolan and Ostrander.” This surprising flip flop proves what many DDC fans have thought for a long time, Specter is a bandwagon hopping nut job. Michael Steele, RNC Chairman and Roush/Stachowiak supporter had this to say “We don’t want that bandwagon jumping nut job on our side for the DDC or in the Senate. He’s fallen in love with the flavor of the month in Nolan/Ostrander and President Obama. In the Roush/Stachowiak camp and in the GOP we are only interested in people who are true to their principals and that is certainly not Sen. Specter.” More to follow on this breaking story.

DDC Officials Not Concerned About Swine Flu Fears

2009-04-27T12:50:00.002-05:00

Cuidad de Mexico (AP) -- While the deadly outbreak of the swine flu has spread over the Mexico border into the United States, officials are not concerned about its possible affect on the usually high turn out at the NFL DDC.

"We have been getting updates on the situation every hour for the last few days and unless something changes, we are going forward as planned." said Michael Roush, the host of this year's DDC event.

There have been no reported cases of the swine flu in St. Louis, where this year's DDC will take place, but people have been infected by the virus in neighboring Kansas.

"We are aware of the situation in Kansas but the CDC has told us there is no reason to think it will spread to St. Louis given the increased precautions all federal agencies are taking in preparation of the DDC." reported DDC legend Michael Ostrander.

Resources from federal, state, and local agencies have been preparing for over two years for the 2009 DDC and agents from the CDC, FEMA, FBI, ATF, CIA, OMB, NIOSH, OSHA, NLRB, CTU, NSA, NASA, EPA, and the Boy Scouts of America have created a vitrual fortress in St. Louis and are reported to be ready for any possible attack, natural disaster, civil unrest, or epidemic that has any real or perceived possibility of happening before or during the world famous golf event.

"Of course any event as large and important as the DDC will be targeted and we have received threats from your typical nutjobs but I haven't lost one bit of sleep over the safety of the our fans or anyone else." said Matt Nolan. "My only real concern is slicing my drives into the woods."

Jim Stachowiak continued the upbeat message, "Swine flu, avian flu, equestrian flu, bovine flu, who gives a [excrement]? I am going after the Birdie come hell or high water."

DDC Hope Springs Eternal

2009-04-23T22:15:00.003-05:00

Saint Louis (AP) – As the media blitz surrounding Earth Day slowly winds down, news outlets across the globe are sending the best reporters to the great American city, Saint Louis, Missouri. Having thoroughly covered the melting icecaps, the deforested forests, and the mighty rivers that have run dry leaving giant scars across the lands and causing wide spread famine, death, and war, the media elite have started to focus on what is really important: the National Football League Draft Day Classic.

Every year on, or in the few months surrounding, the NFL Draft, the world’s greatest golfing event takes place somewhere in the Midwest. While the true origins of the NFL DDC have been lost in the ether of history, the legend has it that this most elite of all sporting traditions was forged from the fires of the most competitive competition, the most challenging challenges, and some golfers golfing.

We do know the first NFL DDC took place in the sleepy college town of Ann Arbor, Michigan when a few students decided to take a break from studying for finals and hit the links while the weather allowed. While the golf had to be played, knowing who the Detroit Lions selected in the draft was also of utmost importance to the band of hackers out there on those MacKenzie-ian hills of Washtenaw County. Through the miracle of wireless communication, and the recent banning of roaming charges, word of the Lions selection was passed to the foursome whilst they were preparing to tee off.

Since that first DDC there have been traditions that have come—the Birdie—and gone—the traditional post-round Outback run but the tradition lives on. The DDC has been held in such far away lands as western Ann Arbor, the Chicagoland area, and the outskirts of North Liberty but never before, in neither time nor distance, has the DDC been so far away from that mysterious first DDC.

At the beginning of the 20^th century Saint Louis was the fourth largest city in the nation. Hosting the both the World’s Fair and the Olympic Games in 1904, the city’s future was very bright indeed. But as the century continued and year after year passed without being able to host the DDC, St. Louis fell into decline. By the 1960s people thought the city would never host the DDC and many fled to the suburbs, to other cities, or simply disappeared. Crime and lousy fashion trends took control. The bell bottomed jeans, huge lapels, and puffed out hair styles were attempts to distract everyone’s attention from the one horrible and unavoidable fact staring the populous in their weary, disillusioned eyes: the DDC was but a dream.

But as Walter Sobchak once said while paraphrasing Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, dude, it is no dream.” The city started small. To help regain its hope it hosted the 1992 PGA Championship. Nick Price, the winner of that tournament, said “Saint Louis is a terrific venue for golf events and if they keep things up, one day, just maybe, they will be able to host the DDC.” It was this memorable quote from the winner’s podium that galvanized the city. Citizens started caring again. The push was on. The city attracted the Rams from Los Angeles to prove it was relevant in any NFL DDC discussion. Downtown revitalization projects began en masse to make space for the throngs of people that were sure to come with any DDC visit. Entire warehouse districts were transformed from vacant shells into hotels, office buildings, and trendy lofts. Businesses moved from the county and parts unknown hoping to one day be part of the DDC experience.

To help better prepare to host such an important and meaningful event as the DDC, the city played host to Pope John Paul II in 1999. On his two day visit to the city, the Pontiff declared the city was spiritually ready to be honored with the DDC. To ensure the city could withstand the celebrations that would accompany the DDC the Rams won the Super Bowl in 2000 and the Cardinals won the World Series in 2006. These two victories represented a victory lap for the city. The infrastructure was there. The spiritual awakening had taken place. Finally, the sports enthusiasm was in full force as well.

When people around the country talk of the economic downturn, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the resurgence of old threats in Russia and China, they do so only because they have forgotten about the DDC. Barack Obama was swept into the White House by a wave of popular support looking for hope and change. The people did not realize that the hope and change they needed could not be found in political promises. The hope and change they need can only be found in the pageantry and glory of the DDC.

It is the sound of titanium composite striking balata. The radiantly green fairways. The perfect recovery shot after launching a drive into the trees. The excitement of going for it over the water hazard protecting the green. The strategic planning of each hole. The gamesmanship of making the other side putt it out. The thrill of sinking a forty foot putt to stymie the match. The hoisting of the Birdie, with its bronze shining in the sun. These are the things that will give the people hope and will inspire them to create the change they for which they are so desperately searching. The American people may have forgotten this but they will remember.

The NFL DDC, ladies and gentlemen, it truly and unmistakably is the tradition unlike any other.

IT’S DRAFT WEEKEND, WHERE’S THE DDC HYPE?

2009-04-23T19:09:00.001-05:00

New York – It seems as though something is missing this year. As sports fans, most of the things that we use to mark the beginning of spring Opening Day, the Masters, The Final Four have all came and went as expected. This weekend the NFL takes center stage with its NFL Draft, but the weekend doesn’t seem complete and that is because for the third straight year, the NFLDDC will not be competed on draft day. At least for the last couple of years, by this time, the hype machine was in full effect and fans knew what to look forward to. This year, however, for unexplained reasons, all we know is that the DDC has been moved back to Memorial Day weekend and that it will be held in St. Louis. Why has there not been more hype this year? Many theories abound. Many Nolan/Ostrander fans seem uninterested, they’ve been spoiled much like Piston fans over the last couple of years. Roush/Stachowiak fans have had their heart broken too many times and some think that many have not recovered from a late par five last year that looked to be a turning point until Ostrander closed the door with the most clutch birdie putt in DDC history. Others think that current events might play a larger role. Did President Obama suggesting that the DDC should spread the wealth around by allowing anyone who wants to participate and just sharing “The Birdie” as if it were a tee ball trophy damper some of the excitement this year? Is the lack of corporate sponsorship from AIG affecting this years’ event? Some even go so far as to say that with Ostrander and Stachowiak’s Detroit Lions holding the first pick in the draft more focus is on the future of that franchise. Regardless of the reason, expect the buildup to start soon, expect one of the greatest DDC’s yet, and expect the fact that the Lions and the Rams hold the first two picks in the actual draft to be a good omen for Roush and Stachowiak.

Starting to Talk the Talk

2009-03-21T14:05:00.002-05:00

We will see...we will see.

In other news: GO BLUE!!

PEVELY FARMS NAMED HOST COURSE OF THE 2009 NFL DDC COURSE

2009-03-04T15:48:00.001-06:00

(AP) – ST. LOUIS –Pevely Farms Golf Club in Eureka, Missouri has been officially chosen to host the 2009 NFL Draft Day Classic this Memorial Day weekend. Internet bloggers have long speculated as to the secret location of the 2009 DDC while the rest of the world tried to figure out if there was such a thing as a non-internet blogger. It was decided there was not.

Nestled in the Meramec River Valley just outside St. Louis, Pevely Farms is known for its scenic views, rolling hills, and challenging holes. While the scenery may be new to the competitors of the DDC, they should feel somewhat at home as Pevely Farms was designed by Arthur Hills, the architect behind building former DDC host course , Stonebridge Golf Club, and the renovations to former DDC hose courses, the University of Michigan Golf Course and Leslie Park.

Pevely Farms offers both shot makers and long drivers a unique challenge. The front nine is set up links style and requires pin point accuracy and smart decision making. The back nine takes advantage of the valley’s rolling hills and forest and makes for an intimidating round of golf.

“I am excited we finally know where we are going to retain the Birdie.” Boasted Matt Nolan, upon hearing the news. “Pevely Farms, Old MacDonald’s Farm, State Farm, it doesn’t matter. We will dominate anywhere.”

When asked about his partner’s confidence, Michael Ostrander only replied, “Nolan, Nolan, Nolan,” while shaking his head.

When Ostrander was asked about the course, he said, “Oh, I love the decision. Being from West Michigan I am used to rolling hills and playing in the woods. I welcome the challenge Pevely presents. On a different subject, I would like to remind people that I have lost weight and they can’t make fun of that any more in news articles in the lead up to the DDC.”

Ostrander then picked up his five gallon container of potato salad he was eating and left to pick up his order at KFC.

“While I don’t know much about the course, I can say that Pevely makes some damn fine milk and dairy products.” Said Jim Stachowiak. “I can’t wait to get down there and win back the Birdie.”

It was also revealed that the 2009 NFL DDC Pro-Am would be hosted by Gateway National Golf Links in Madison, Illinois, making the 2009 NFL DDC weekend the first to be held in two states. Gateway National, on the east banks of the Mississippi River, provides golfers with great views of the St. Louis skyline and the unique sounds of Gateway International Raceway.

The location of the DDC banquet and other activities have not be finalized yet but details are expected to follow in the coming weeks.

On the web:
Pevely Farms Golf Club: www.pevelyfarms.com
Gateway National Golf Links: www.gatewaynational.com

Are you not entertained?!?!?!?

2009-02-12T15:54:00.003-06:00

Did you know that ERISA section 407 contains rules about prohibited investments for employee benefits plans? It's true! That section says that employee benefit plans can only hold employer securities and real property as an investment if the fair market value of the securities/real property held in the plan is 10% or less of the fair market value of the total assets of the plan! Crazy, huh? Well now that you know about my day, how are you doing? What? You are really bored and the only reason you came to this site was to relieve your boredom, not increase it? Well I'm soooo sorry. Try this video on for size:

Did that do anything for you? No? Well, how about this:

Okay so that wasn't exactly Christian Bale but I have a lower budget than most blogs out there. Here, I'll try again to entertain you, but this time with a contest. The first one to tell me all of the singers/bands/acts show in this video wins an official Bubba Tunes no-prize.

Look I try and I try to entertain you and get nothing in return. Just be glad that you have Bubba Tunes some people are not so lucky:

NPH Tribute to Doogie

2009-01-25T16:51:00.001-06:00

This was just too good not to post:

Nolan Gets A New Driver

2009-01-22T19:34:00.001-06:00

Chicago (AP): White House reporters sprinted from Capitol Hill to Chicago today, and it wasn't to cover Michelle Obama's latest coffee break. Still basking in the glow of his and Michael Ostrander's 2009 triumphant 6 and 4 victory at Cog Hill, Matt Nolan was to step up to the podium this morning, and when he did, he dropped an A-Bomb bigger than Hiroshima on the media and the sporting world.

"I got a new driver for Christmas," said Nolan, a knowing grin plastered on his face. "I know that B*tts and I have dominated the NFL-DDC the last few years with me using a driver made in the early 1990s that looks like a five-wood, but Big D*ck Nolan felt I should get a new driver this year anyway. Apologies for the 10 and 8 finish in advance."

The impending lack of competition has even given pause to some of the NFL-DDC's biggest sponsors. "I love the NFL-DDC, but while the Buffalo Bills were a great draw in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, by Super Bowl XXX America just wanted to see someone else," said Phil Knight. "We may scale back our ad buy to $5 or $6 million this year as a result of Nolan's new driver."

Others are apprehensive about the impact of the driver. "He's never used it, right? Will he even be able to make contact with the ball?" asked Jack Nicklaus. "It's not like he's the Golden Bear or anything."

Regardless of whether it helps or hurts, Nolan's gift is sure to put even more pressure than usual on Roush and Stachowiak, who, despite years of humiliation in NFL-DDC play, seem to get further and further from the title each year.

"B*tts and I are almost hoping to lose one of these soon to make it fun again," continued Nolan, before finishing with, "not that we think it's going to ever happen, now - good luck, guys."

Let the NFL DDC Hype Begin

2009-01-22T17:21:00.002-06:00

My fellow DDC Participants and Fans:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the missed putts and arrant tee shots let loose in the past. I thank the rest of the DDC committee for their service to our golf tournament, as well as the generosity and cooperation they have shown throughout the years.

Four cities have hosted the NFL DDC and soon a fifth will be added to this most honored list. The tournament has been played during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the competition has been played amidst gathering clouds, raging storms, and deep hangovers. At these moments, the DDC has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those playing the game, as we all know this skill is not that great, but because the fans have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents, the DDC Charter and By-Laws.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of DDC Players.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our short games are at war, against a far-reaching network of wrist breaks and chunking it. Our trouble shots are badly weakened, a consequence of not getting out there and playing on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare our game for hitting it out of the woods opposite handed. Holes have been lost; grips shed; driving ranges shuttered. Our club care is too costly; our golf schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use our mid-irons strengthen our adversaries and threaten our scores.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence in our games — a nagging fear that Roush and Stachowiak’s decline is inevitable, and that they must lower their sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen consistency over power, teamwork and concentration over discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the fat jokes and trying to get the other team drunker, the stale mental games and misplaced psych-out tactics, that for far too long have strangled our game.

We remain a young team, but in the words of Bo, the time has come to become champions. The time has come to reaffirm our golfing dominance; to remember our winning history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that Jim and Mike will become DDC Champions once again.

In reaffirming the greatness of team Roush/Stachowiak, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of 10-8 beat downs and passing fame for winning a the first two holes. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the Tin Cup moments, the makers of putts — some celebrated but more often obscure in their repetitiveness, that has carried us up the long, rugged path towards winning The Birdie.

For us, Jim and Mike packed up their few golf bags and traveled across the Midwest in search of finding their game.

For us, Jim and Mike toiled on driving ranges and putting greens; endured the shanks and lip outs.

For us, Jim and Mike fought and lost, in places like Ann Arbor and Chicago; North Liberty and Hacker Hills.

Time and again these two struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that they might claim a piece of sports history. They saw the DDC as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey they continue today. Stachowiak and Roush remain the most proud, powerful golf duo on Earth. Their drives are no less productive than when this crisis began. Their shot making is no less inventive. Their golfing ability remains undiminished. But their time of standing pat, of protecting narrow one hole leads and putting off aggressive plays — that time has surely passed. Starting today, Jim and Mike must pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and begin again the work of remaking the NFL DDC.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of their putting game calls for action, bold and swift, and they will act — not only to create new range on the green, but to lay a new short game that will provide shorter putts. Jim and Mike will restore themselves to its rightful place DDC history, and wield Titlelist’s wonders to raise ball flight and lower course records. They will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel their decision making and shot selection. And they will transform their tee shots and approach shots to meet the demands of the course. All this Jim and Mike can do. All this they will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of Roush and Stachowiak’s ambitions — who suggest that their game cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this team has already done; what Jim and Mike can achieve when preparation is joined to common purpose, and necessity to go for it over the water.

What Butts and Nolan fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale golf arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether Jim and Mike’s scores are too high or talent too small, but whether it works — whether it helps the team find its way to winning a hole, putts they can sink, a chip that is make-able. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, adjustments will be made to his stance, grip, or follow through.

Nor is the question before us whether the fade is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate good looks at the green and expand shot selection is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the ball can spin out of control — and that the team cannot hold the lead in the DDC long when it favors only the power fade. The success of Jim and Mike’s scoring has always depended not just on the length of their putts, but on the reach of their fairway shots; on their ability to extend opportunity to their next shot — not out of just necessity, but because it is the surest route to their common good.

As for Ostrander and Nolan, we reject as false the choice between Jim and Mike’s victory and their ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers (aka us), faced with nothing to do, drafted a DDC charter to assure the fun of golf and the rights to meet up with each other at least once a year outside of a wedding or football game, a charter expanded by dinners at Outback and Ditka’s. Those ideals still light the tournament, and we will not give them up just because the National Football League Draft Day Classic does not actually occur on the day of the National Football League Draft. And so to all the other peoples and sports fans who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small Indiana village where my father was born: know that the NFL DDC is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of golf at its best, and that Jim and Mike are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier Jim and Mike DDC victories faced wet sand traps and shots that landed on Ann Arbor-Saline not just with Titlelists and Top Flites, but with Slazengers and Maxflis. They understood that their power alone cannot protect their lead, nor does it entitle them to just tee it high and let it fly as they please. Instead, they knew that their power grows through its prudent use; their lead security emanates from the wisdom of their shots, the line of their putts, the tempering qualities of not always letting the big dog eat.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, Jim and Mike can meet those new threats of Nolan’s new Driver and Ostrander’s new weight that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between teammates. Jim and Mike will begin to responsibly leave losing balls in the past, and forge a hard-earned victory in St. Louis.

Against old friends that are former and current foes, Jim and Mike will work tirelessly to lessen the dormie threat, and roll back the specter of another DDC lost. They will not apologize for making Nolan putt it out, nor will they waver in forcing Ostrander to walk the course, and for Team Ostrander/Nolan who to advance their aims by inducing terror by slaughtering par threes, Jim and Mike say to you now that their spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast them, and they will defeat you.

For Roush and Stachowiak know that the patchwork heritage of the DDC is a strength, not a weakness. We are a fake golf tournament of Lawyers and Teachers, Engineers and….a soon to be lawyer. We are shaped by pretty much the same language and culture, drawn from every end of the upper Midwest; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of having our football team go 3-9, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the tradition of calling Ostrander “Buttstrander” shall soon dissolve; that as Michael’s waistline grows smaller, our common Michigan-ity shall reveal itself; and that the NFL DDC must play its role in ushering in a new era of excellent golfing.

To the non-golfing world, we seek a new way forward, based not on mutual interest and but I guess on some kind of mutual respect? To Team Nolan/Ostrander who seeks to sow conflict amongst Team Roush/Stachowiak, or blame their lousy shots on the bird chirping in their backswing — know that the DDC will judge you on what you can recover from, not what you blame. To those who cling to last year’s DDC results, which were garnered through corruption and deceit and the silencing of Roush’s five wood, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but Jim and Mike will extend a hand if you are willing to give up now.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave golfers who, at this very hour, hack away at far-off desert courses in Scottsdale and distant mountain golf resorts. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen legends like Walter Hagen, Bobby Jones, and Ben Hogan whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they had to use real wood woods and did not have Nike as a sponsor, but because they embody the spirit of the game; a willingness to find meaning in breaking par greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation of DDC members — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as Team Roush/Stachowiak can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of their supporters upon which this team relies. It is the kindness to let their husband grab a quick nine before dinner, the selflessness of co-workers to cover for Jim as he sneaks away from the office to work on his flop shot that will finally decide the team’s fate.

Our challenges may be new, as Jim and Mike are used to winning. The instruments with which we meet them may be new because Mike has a new set of irons. But those values upon which Jim and Mike’s success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and getting Team Nolan/Ostrander to implode on the back nine — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout the DDC’s history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of dominance — a recognition, on the part of every member of Team Roush/Stachowiak, that they have duties to themselves, their team, and the world, duties that they do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to the DDC and kicking the snot out of Nolan and Ostrander.

This is the price and the promise of DDC glory.

This is the source of Jim and Mike’s confidence — the knowledge that David Ledbetter calls on us to fix that hitch in our backswings.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent country, and why a man whose father less than ten years ago had Rams season tickets and a newly purchased armada of private jets, can one day a few months from now stand here and be an NFL DDC champion.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of the DDC’s birth, in the mildest of months, a small band of buddies huddled over a bloomin’ onion on the shores of the Huron River. The college was abandoned except for all the students, professors, and employees. Graduation was advancing. The snow was not stained with blood as it was spring and not particularly violent. At a moment when the outcome of our future opportunities to golf together was most in doubt, the father of our golf tournament ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that around the time the NFL draft takes place, when ESPN has Mel Kiper, Jr on for hours and hours...that the golfing buddies, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

NFL DDC, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of 2009, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the fairways and roughs, and endure what bogeys may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the pin and Bo Schembechler’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of overly competitive golf and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the NFL DDC.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (and Mexican Airports)

2009-01-15T10:59:00.004-06:00

Who knew that the famous Antonio Banderas-Johnny Depp-Eva Mendes-Salma Hayek-Mickey Rouke-Willem Dafoe-Cheech Marin-Enrique Iglesias collabo might be turn out to be prophesy? According to a report by the U.S. Joint Forces Command on worldwide threats, the Mexican government could rapidly and suddenly collapse because of the threats imposed on the state by violent gangs and drug cartels. In the face of this bad publicity, the Mexican government has ordered its ambassadors and embassies to promote a positive image of Mexico. The result was a Japanese man trying to pull a Tom Hanks:

Mexico is so well loved by visitors they never want to leave...its airports. Apparently the attraction of Mexican airports has reached frenzied heights as people, dolphins, and otters are clammering to get to Mexican airports.

For my money though, nothing beats an airport in the good ol' U.S.A.

Posting is tougher than it looks.

2008-11-24T12:02:00.003-06:00

So I haven't posted in forever and really you shouldn't consider this a post as all I am doing is giving you notice that I probably won't be posting much until after exams. I know you need your entertainment but I need to fill my brain with a semester's worth of legal knowledge and then vomit it back in a few exams. In the meantime, entertain yourself with the new poll, the new Bubbatunes song of the day, and with Thanksgiving. Enjoy and see you soon.

We Jobbed Ourselves

2008-10-13T12:10:00.002-05:00

Well I have let it go long enough. If you haven't been able to tell by now the University of Michigan football team has been going through a bit of a rough patch. So far this year we have lost to Utah, Notre Dame, Illinois, and Toledo. We could have beat Utah, we should have beaten Notre Dame, we had no chance against Illinois, and we completely blew it against Toledo. Now my wife has told her friends that as far as she can tell a Michigan fan will never tell you that they lost a football game. Instead, she says, a Michigan fan will always say that they were "jobbed." Until this year this has been true.

In over 125 years of Michigan football, we have never lost a game but have been jobbed hundreds of times. This year though we have went from getting jobbed to getting beat...by ourselves. Michigan's record this year is 2-4. That is two wins and four "should have won but we beat ourselves, the other team had nothing to do with it."

The first loss was to Utah and was the first game of the year in a new system, with a new coach, with pretty much completely new players. Had it not been for opening game jitters (and an extremely luck 53 yard field goal) we would have won that game handily.

The second loss was at Notre Dame where we should have won but we turned the ball over at least 7,592 times and Notre Dame cheated.

The third loss was against Illinois. Juice Williams had record stats but let's be honest, shall we? Michigan beat themselves by not building a time machine, going back to 1998 and convincing a young Juice Williams to focus on baseball.

The fourth loss was against Toledo and it was obvious from the start that Michigan was just nervous against playing the powerful Rocket team and made a bunch of mental mistakes. Had they locked it up they would have won. (They only allowed Toledo's offense score 6 points.)

So as you can see Michigan record of never getting beat by the other team is still intact. Looking ahead the Michigan schedule looks promising:

at Penn State (cakewalk)
Michigan State (bow down little brother)
at Purdue ("Boiler Up?" More like " Boiler down!")
at Minnesota (Brown Jug stays put. Period.)
Northwestern (This might be a tester.)
at Ohio State (tOSU can go to hell.)

In other news, read this article for an extremely in-depth and intriguing look at America's food supply and potential problems that will face the country in the very near future.

Also read this article because some things just never get old.

Will Wife Play in Peoria? Judge Thinks So.

2008-10-02T09:37:00.003-05:00

Everyone stand and give a hearty ovation to my wife who just accepted a judicial clerkship position for a federal judge in Peoria, Illinois. Yey! Yey! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! We will not be unemployed and destitute this time next year! Seriously, it is a great position in a great town that may be dangerously close to Cubs territory but closer to St. Louis so I can still get my Cardinals fix in whenever I want. (Plus it may even get the Big Ten Network so I can watch Michigan crap until the cows come home.)

Since the wife has a job, now I have find one, so if you are in Peoria and need to hire a brilliant and accomplished lawyer then I am your man. Now I can just sit back and wait for the offers to come rolling in....

And now your funny video lifted from somewhere else for the day:

Video Overload!!!! (Post Wisconsin Victory Edition)

2008-09-29T09:15:00.001-05:00

So a couple of things until you get lost in the fabulous world of viral videos:
1. Michigan had the worst half of football ever played but rallied back from a 19-0 deficit to beat Wisconsin. Go us!
2. Baseball is officially over for the Cardinals. Boo.
3. Scott Linehan has been fired. Great now fire everyone else in the organization and we may start to get somewhere.
4. Posting once a week is lame, I know, but at least it is better than what is happening over at but awesome takes practice. (Quantity-wise, not quality-wise.)
5. The lizard video only makes since if you realize that the audio came from someone that was in a closet and drunk or high at the time. His friend then put the audio track to computer animation.
6. The history lesson is surprising accurate as far as the actual facts go but in reality Alexander Hamilton was not as pure as Michael Cera makes him out to be. The real Hamilton had an affair with Maria Reynolds and her husband blackmailed Hamilton. This affair is partially what prompted the duel with Aaron Burr but I will leave you to research that yourself.
7. Bubba Tunes does not condone the over consumption of alcohol or the taking of illegal drugs.

See more Michael Cera videos at Funny or Die

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Random Thoughts

2008-09-22T14:21:00.006-05:00

Here is a collection of random points that could each be their own post but I have been lazy as far as blogging is concerned so I am taking the lame way out and doing it bullet point style.

1. The computer animated The Incredibles is totally and completely a copy of the classic "graphic novel" Watchmen. I know that Watchmen came out in in 1985 and I am way behind the boat on this one but I just read it for the first time this weekend and realized that The Incredibles, while still very good, is a dumbed down, Disney-ification, kiddie version of Watchmen.

2. As a partial owner of AIG I expect the checks to start flowing into my mailbox any moment....any moment...

3. Damn Notre Dame. Damn fumbles. Damn Damning Damn.

4. It is officially fall and it is still 82 degrees out. Now we had a very mild summer and for that I am thankful but we are 4 games into the college football season and I am still wearing shorts. What the hell gives? I know global warming and El Nino are probably the culprits but I checked the blogs and apparently the higher temperatures for this time of year have been caused by Rich Rodriguez. If you go to any WVU website the comments all indicate that Coach Rod is the devil and as such he must have left the door to hell open and letting all the heat into our world.

5. Damn that Notre Dame. Damn gift touchdowns. Damn Dammers.

6. So the new fall seasons are starting on television so I am really getting amped up for my two favorite shows, 24 and Lost...What's that?...They don't start until January?.....mother fu....moving on.

7. Damn Cubs. Damn Carey Buck Bottle. Damn Nolan. One time! I want to win that damn stupid trophy once! Damn it. Damn Damn Damn.

8. So take a look at this:

and then, of course,

(This is where I would post a picture of me and my wife but due to international copyright laws and the fact that I don't know all of you people reading this thing I am not going to put it up.) So what do Mike Comrie, Tom Brady, and I all have in common? We all went to the University of Michigan at the same time, we are all winners, and we all have some pretty nice looking babes on our side. This is where the comparisons end unfortunately as they both have looks and pretty lucrative jobs themselves.

9. I am taking the following classes this semester: State and Local Government, Real Estate Transactions, Environmental Law, American Legal History, Business Associations, and I am doing some directed research for a professor. Here are the classes I have on Thursday: State and Local Government, Real Estate Transactions, Environmental Law, American Legal History, Business Associations and I am doing some directed research for a professor. Here are my classes on Friday: _______.

10. Ryder Cup = Ours. As someone once said, "This is America and that is Kentucky and I will be damned if we are going to lose to a group of European nancies in Kentucky!" (That some one was me.)

11. Damn Notre Dame bastards. Damn Damn Damn.

New Look Bubba Tunes

2008-09-08T15:37:00.002-05:00

Yeah, so I changed the look of this, the most read ever, blog.

I don't know how to really create my own look so I just used a template the good folks at Blogger had already created. I like the look better over all but I am mad that the Michigan countdown doesn't really fit all that well in any of the templates. Oh well, you can see the opponent and the clock and that is all you really need anyway.

In other news there are reports that Lance Armstrong is going to be making a come back and compete in a few tournaments including the 2009 Tour de France. If these reports are correct Luke is probably already in France staking out his spot on the Alpe d'Huez. Livestrong Luke, Livestrong. If the reports are not correct then put the gun down Luke, put the gun down.

10 Years + 70 Home Runs = Question Mark?

2008-09-08T09:04:00.005-05:00

How about that for a title of a post? It is full of symbolism and randomness yet still makes a point. A very stale and transparent point but a point none the less.

It's been ten years:

The problem is it has only been a little over three years since this:

As a long time Cardinals fan and an even bigger baseball fan I can remember Mark McGwire's 62nd home run and the rest of the summer of 1998 vividly. On September 8, 1998 I was driving home from working as a bagger at a local grocery store. Mike Shannon and Jack Buck were on KMOX describing the Cardinals-Cubs game and I was probably breaking every state and local traffic law trying to get home in time to get in front of a television. I flew into the driveway, left my car out, ran into the house, flipped on the kitchen television, and as soon as the screen turned on McGwire hit number 62. It was a moment I will never forget.

Fast forward a little less then seven years to St. Patrick's Day 2005. I was on lunch break from work and decided to eat at a local barbecue place that had televisions on the wall. Usually the televisions had some baseball game on but this day they were all tuned to C-SPAN for the Congressional hearings on steroid use in baseball. At the center of it all was Mark McGwire. Sure others were there giving testimony, Rafael Palmareo, Curt Shilling, Jose Canseco, and others, but it was McGwire everyone would be talking about later. Up until that time nobody would admit that there was something wrong with the summer of 1998. It had, after all, brought baseball back to life after the devastating impact of the 1994 strike but after McGwire dodged question after question the blinders everyone had so willingly put on themselves were finally removed. When McGwire said "I'm not here to talk about the past" the past was forever changed. We were all hoping McGwire would lay things to rest once and for all and just say, "I know that bastard Sammy Sosa was on the juice but I never touched the stuff. Jose Canseco can rot in hell. Damn his lies. Damn his lies to hell. To Hell with him and his damned lies that I damned to hell just a second earlier." But he didn't and we all knew the truth.

Time, they say, heals all wounds but it appears Mr. McGwire still has some waiting to do. When he retired after the 2001 season everyone knew he was going to be a first ballot Hall of Famer. He had the single season home run record and was fifth on the all time list. Add in a World Series ring and even a Gold Glove it was a no doubter. But after being eligible for two years now, McGwire has not even sniffed the 75% of the vote to reach Cooperstown. People have decided to punish McGwire for alleged crimes against baseball purity.

This topic has been written about by countless numbers of people and I by no means consider my opinion higher than anyone else's but I think it is time we move on. Baseball has instituted testing and it seems to be effective. The power numbers that were every where during the "Steroid Era" have dramatically decreased and people are showing up in droves to ballparks across the nation (outside of Miami.) Mark McGwire has moved on with his life. He is quietly enjoying retirement, playing a lot of golf, raising two young children with his wife of seven years, and staying out of the public eye. I say put McGwire in the Hall, keep all performance enhancing drugs out of baseball, and really appreciate the things that truly are remarkable.

Detroit's Long Municipal Nightmare is Over

2008-09-04T14:04:00.002-05:00

Kwame, Kwame, Kwame. Let this be a lesson for you. If you become the mayor of a city it is a bad idea to have strippers over to the mayoral mansion, fire persons with knowledge of that party, get sued by those people, come to a $8.4 million settlement with those people, saddle the city with paying for that settlement without fully disclosing the fact, use city credit cards like you are playing Monopoly, sleep with your chief of staff, lie about sleeping with your chief of staff, use a city cell phone to send explicit text messages to your chief of staff/lover, hold a funeral for a racial slur then resurrect said racial slur in the state of the city address, and then assault people trying to serve court orders.

Here is how a mayor should act:

(I know this was when she was governor but I just had to post it. )

Now that Kwame has officially turned in his letter of resignation let just remind you of something another famous Michigander once said:

...Thomas Jefferson said the people are the only sure reliance for the
preservation of our liberty. And down the years, Abraham Lincoln renewed this
American article of faith asking, "Is there any better way or equal hope in the
world?"

Even though this is late in an election year, there is no way we can go
forward except together and no way anybody can win except by serving the
people's urgent needs. We cannot stand still or slip backwards. We must go
forward now together....

I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together, not only
our Government but civilization itself. That bond, though strained, is unbroken
at home and abroad.

In all my public and private acts as your President, I expect to follow
my instincts of openness and candor with full confidence that honesty is always
the best policy in the end.

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.

Give it up for Gerald Ford ladies and gentlemen.

What's the worst that could happen...oh, that's bad...

2008-09-02T11:32:00.005-05:00

After watching Michigan get owned this weekend I decided I needed some cheering up. There was an article on CNN.com about a Michigan State student that rapped about the new particle accelerator that is being built in France and Switzerland. In the rap she explains very complicated sub-atomic physics in a simple and fun way. (A side note: I am as impressed as everyone else that Michigan State students are smart enough to do anything but keg stands and burn couches.) Here is the video:

Fun video right? Is your brain hurting yet? If you didn't quite get the lingo the Cern Large Hadron Collider is being built so scientifically minded folks can try to figure out crazy ass shit. If all goes well the collider will provide insights about anti-matter, the creation of the universe, the existence of other dimensions, and all sorts of other sci-fi type stuff. Sounds great right? Well there may be a problem. The experiments may create a new black hole every second.

Now Stephen Hawkings and others says that the experiments probably won't create black holes and even if they do the black holes will be so incredibly tiny they won't do any damage. Apparently any black hole that is created will be traveling at such a fast speed that it will fly right off the planet and off into space. If any black holes were somehow trapped on Earth, they would be so incredibly small they would only "eat" one proton every 100 hours and could pass through a block of iron that stretched from here to the moon without touching it. (Weird huh?)

I don't know about this though. I know companies do a cost-benefit calculation where they set an acceptable level of deaths caused by their product but in those cases they deal with relatively small numbers of deaths. Here, the smallest number of deaths associated with the creation of an unexpectedly large black hole would be...carry the one...cross multiple and divide...um...every living thing and planet in the solar system. Given the large possible "cost" I don't know if any benefit would be worth it. Beside remember what happened the last time man messed with black holes?

The Lifeboat Foundation, one of the critics of the new collider, has created a program to investigate and hopefully stop a particle accelerator from destroying, well, everything but that is not the only thing on their agenda. Aside from particle acceleration issues, the Lifeboat Foundation has projects aimed at preventing or defending against such annoyances as rouge asteroids, nanobot infestations, attacks from artificial intelligence, radical climate change, Internet destruction, nuclear holocaust, and alien invasion. Some of their projects actually seem pretty reasonable while others, not so much. Their plan for alien invasion? Diplomacy. What a bunch of liberal wienies. They conclude that any alien species that has the ability to travel across space must have the technology to kick our ass so all we can do is talk to them and hope they like us. I say when the aliens invade the time for diplomacy is over and we need to nuke 'em and we need to nuke 'em now. Let's send Sarah Palin with her bull moose rifle up to the mother ship and she'll take care of business. The aliens will rue the day they messed with humans and Alaskan vice presidential candidates.

The Real 2008 College Football (ahem, Michigan) Preview

2008-08-28T12:31:00.004-05:00

Here is the thing about Michigan right now, I don't know anything. I will predict 9 wins but I really have no idea about what to expect. In the past Michigan had a reputation of being very secretive. Carr would not allow media access to practice, would restrict players from press conferences, and would generally not tell you anything about anything. The doors to outsiders that were closed by Carr were opened immediately by Rich Rodriguez when he took over. He lets cameras and reporter watch various practice sessions, regularly speaks to the media, and has been extremely accommodating to all comers. That being said he hasn't told anyone anything about anything. Nobody, from ESPN down to Bubba Tunes, has any real idea about what type of team will take the field on Saturday against Utah. We know Rodriguez has used a spread offense and is likely to use that this year but we don't really know what that will look like with the players he has. It will probably be pass oriented but with four running backs with a legitimate chance to each receive over 100 touches a piece, it could be all about the run.

Damn it. I ran out of time before class so further expansion and analysis of the defense and special teams has become impossible. For your reading pleasure, however, here are some quick and rough predictions:
-Nick Sheridan will start the first four games, lose his spot, and then win it back and start in the last six games.
-Michigan, shades of 1969, will beat Ohio State this year.
-Wisconsin will not be as good as people think they are.
-Heisman will go to Chase Daniel.
-Michigan wins the Capital One Bowl for the second time in a row.

We Got a Real Hum-Dinger Here

2008-08-28T11:52:00.003-05:00

Well it is that time of the year once again. The days are growing shorter (grow shorter? can that even happen?), the air is getting crisper (again, how can a gas take on the physical property of "crispness?"), and the campuses across the nation are welcoming back their students (and by this I mean they have start cashing the tuition checks.) Every fall Bubba Tunes is proud to present the most in depth and comprehensive coverage of college football...if by in depth you mean "barely scratching the surface" and by comprehensive you mean "totally focusing on Michigan and poorly at that." So without further ado, here is the BUBBA TUNES 2008 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW...

The two teams on top of the polls this preseason are Ohio State and Georgia. Both teams had decent years last year. OSU played in the National Championship game and lost while Georgia felt they should have played for the National Championship but didn't so they beat up on a Hawaii team that had absolutely no business playing in the BCS. The media saw these two performances and immediately thought these are the two best teams in the Nation and should be so designated officially. Meanwhile in the rest of the country people yawned. USC ended the year last year trouncing an Illinois team, while defying all expectations, that could not come close to measuring up to the Trojans. USC was rewarded for their effort by being ranked 2 and 3 in the coaches and AP polls respectively. All three teams are returned a lot of starters from last year and have recruited well so there is some justification for their high rankings to start the season but it seems to me the media is focusing too much on last year and not on the facts on the ground today.

If one were to be completely objective and look at all 119(?) I-A (that's what my daddy called it so that is what I call it) division football there could only be one logical and undeniable conclusion as to who the number one ranked team should be this year: The University of Michigan. I know, I know. You are all laughing and think that I am delusional but in the famous words of Lee Corso, not so fast my friends. Michigan should be ranked for one reason and one reason only: Mike Barwis.

If you are unfamiliar with Mike Barwis then you should be destroyed as he is familiar with you and can, and will, take you down. Mike Barwis, unlike Chuck Norris, actually does have tears that cure cancer but doesn't need to cry because he can just beat the cancer into remission. This is Mike Barwis:

Mike Barwis once killed himself a whole division of the Soviet Union's secret genetically engineered super-soldiers, brought them back to life again, taught them how to optimize their potential in the weight room, introduced them to democracy, and eventually turned them into Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor.

Mike Barwis drafted the original Declaration of Independence in the spring of 1764.

In, the under card bout at Habitat for Humanity charity boxing event event, Mike Barwis boxed Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield, former Presidents Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, and former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher all at the same time. Barwis knocked them all out 30 seconds into the first round he built 75 Habitat Houses in 25 urban centers across America all before the main event started. (Incidentally, the main event was Godzilla versus Charles Barkley versus the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles versus the Cheetah Girls with the Cheetah Girls winning by TKO in the 14th round.)

Mike Barwis relies on two principles: 1. Mike Barwis; and 2. Mike F'ing Barwis.

So given all of this, Michigan's ranking as the nation's top program is a given.

Talk About Sausagefest

2008-08-18T09:28:00.002-05:00

Okay since I last posted the follow events have taken place:
1. The Olympics started in China with an opening ceremony that news agencies report was anything ranging from "glorious" to "God-like." After people found out computer generated fireworks were used and an cute girl pulled a Milli Vanili these same news agencies downgraded the opening ceremony to "amazingly awesome" and "totally better than anything the West could ever dream possible...capitalist swine."
2. Bernie Mac died from complications associated with pneumonia.
3. Russia invaded and bombed the shit out of Georgia. People all over Atlanta started building fire breaks and sighing "not again" before they realized it was Georgia the country, not Georgia the state.
4. Michael Phelps won the gold 8 times. When asked about his record setting performance, Phelps said, "Okay, I guess it is cool but have you seen how much weight Terrance Taylor lost? Freaking amazing man. Watch out for those Wolverines. Watch the hell out."
5. A bunch of other stuff I don't remember or don't feel like writing about.

What I really wanted to bring your attention to is this. If you are like me and just will not click on hyperlinks in suspect blogs, here's the skinny: The mayor of Mount Isa, a mining town in Northwest Australia, is under fire because he said ugly women should move to the town and find a mate. Mount Isa has a population of 25,000 and the male to female ratio is five to one and the mayor hoped inviting Australian female Quasimodos would help balance things out. Mayor John Maloney said that Mount Isa was a place for"ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and that the "beauty disadvantaged" would be a welcome addition to the town. After his comments were published in a newspaper people got pissed and yelled at him.

I don't see a problem with sending all of the ugly people of the world to Australia. The country started as a penal colony and can now be used as a ugly bastard colony. This would greatly improve the quality of life for people like me that are incredibly good looking (a.k.a. Zoolanderesque). I say send the people who fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down to Australia and let me go to the mall and not have to see them waiting in line at Auntie Anne's or buying clothes that are just too stylish for their ugly faces at H & M. Think of all the health care dollars wasted on ugly people. (We all know beautiful people don't need the hospital, they just look in a mirror and are cured.) If we didn't have to spend our tax dollars on the sick people we could spend them on hair care products and screen print t-shirts that accentuate my perfect triceps.

I know a lot of you ugly people are getting offended right now but come on, you're ugly so why the hell should I care? For the non-ugly readers out there, if you have any other groups of people you would like to send to Australia post a comment.

Summer = Lame Posts

2008-08-06T20:20:00.003-05:00

Okay so I am not the best summer blogger in the world. If it makes you feel any better I spent the weekend in Los Angeles throwing up none stop for about 9 hours and then having to fly 6 hours home the next day. I have not wanted to eat since. For your further entertainment here is some newly discovered (by me) music:

Also, college football is gearing up and school starts before the fortnight is through so expect more posts and more quality. Until then, Go Cards and Screw the Cubs.

Tiger Stadium Needs You

2008-07-21T07:03:00.005-05:00

Click here or lose Tiger Stadium forever. Out of all the burnt-out shells of buildings that litter the city of Detroit, why the city council is going through with the demolition of Tiger Stadium is beyond me. I recently stayed in downtown Detroit and there is nothing to do except gamble, watch sports, and hump lamp posts. Tiger Stadium is a much needed tourist attraction that the city cannot bear to lose. Obviously it isn't creating a lot of revenue by just sitting there vacant but neither is an empty lot that will take its place. The good people at the Tiger Stadium Conservancy project have plans put together that will create a park that keep the historic legacy of the ballpark alive, create revenue for the city, and more importantly, create new memories for future generations.

Is it just me or has this blog gotten too preachy? Maybe I should do a salute to the David James Elliot and Catherine Bell joint, "JAG" sometime in the near future.

John McClane for President.

2008-07-15T21:53:00.002-05:00

Another video I stole from my brother:

Schlafly is the new black.

2008-07-15T16:56:00.007-05:00

I know you have all been waiting for my take on the whole InBev/AB thing. Well, I don't plan on dignifying it with a response. What I will do is tell you about the fantastic beer made by The Saint Louis Brewery, Schlafly. Schlafly is a locally crafted beer that goes down smooth and does not sacrifice anything on taste. With two breweries in the St. Louis area and over a dozen brands, The St. Louis Brewery is the largest American-owned brewery in the St. Louis area. My personal favorite is Schlafly Pale Ale but the wife loves her some Schlafly Hefeweizen.

In other news: Michigan has some new duds.

Cool huh? The adidas logo will take some getting used to but I like 'em. I especially like the nod to Bo with the "Those who stay will be champions" sewn into the collar and the hidden Big Ten Championships on the shoulders.

Dance...(you know, like that weird song from the late 1990s tells you to.)

2008-07-08T21:13:00.006-05:00

My brother sent me this video today saying it was the coolest video he has ever seen and that he was extremely jealous of the dude in them. Since my brother has seen literally 6.7 trillion videos and hasn't been jealous of any man since his eyebrows came in strong back in the late 1990s, this was a video I had to watch. As it turned out my brother was correct. Here is the video:

I know this guy has been around the internets for years now but I just caught on today (just like I just caught on five seconds ago that I did not coin the term "internets.") His name is Matt Harding and quit his job as a video game programmer a few years ago and decided to travel the world. That is awesome. I have spent over twenty years of my life in school and I bet that Matt learned more in five trips than I have my entire life. I am going to be a lawyer and will be chained to a desk or courtroom 60 hours a week or more for the rest of my life and will never get to a even an twelfth of the places in that video. Don't get me wrong I am living a very happy life and what not but who wouldn't want to dance with a tribe of New Guineas and then go to the Korean DMZ dance there and have the North Koreans think the West has gone completely insane. It's just really cool is all.

Hey InBev, Suck My InButt.

2008-06-26T20:25:00.004-05:00

So the Board at AB stood up to those lousy Belgian bastards and said "Hell no, we won't sell." This, of course, is just a first step along a long and rocky path. InBev has already started the hostile take over process in that they are suing AB in DC (you like all the initials?) to clarify the power of shareholders to dismiss AB Board members. Until AB is free and clear from this aggression from across the pond keep buying that Budweiser. (Ironically enough, I finished my Bud yesterday and am sitting here with a cold, crisp, and fresh "Go Blue Brew" in my hands.)

Now that I have discussed the beer related issues of the day I can move on to other things. As you may have noticed I have not been posting a lot lately. This is mostly because in the summer time my mind is focused on work, not sweating, and baseball. Since these three things take up the entire day I don't have much time for blogging. (This is a total lie but I am going for it.) But since I am using them as excuses I may as well write about them.

Work: I am working at a legal clinic this summer. I represent those people that could not afford legal representation normally because of economic and social constraints. (Yay, I get to play the role of a bleeding heart for a while.) It is very enlightening work and it really is getting me some great experience. An added plus is that I don't get paid so...okay...well...I do get free parking downtown....wait....no I don't....um...I'll get back to you...but it really is fun.

Not Sweating: Now that it is summer, I open the door in the morning, wearing a suit and tie I walk to my car, and before I reach my car, I have already sweat all the way through my shirt. I get in the car, crank the AC, and finally get cooled down about a block away from work. I then park the car, walk more blocks to my office, and greet my secretary looking like Steve Prefontaine after a quick 10k. Going to the office looking like a contestant from "Wipeout" is one thing but making an appearance in court is quite another. I don't think judges get the right idea about a lawyer when they are sweating profusely. I have noticed most of the judges lately have been handing down the maximum legal punishments to my clients.

Baseball: The Cardinals are over-achieving according to the national media. According to Bubba Tunes, however, they are under-achieving. The Cubs should never, ever be ahead of the Cardinals in the standings. I don't care if the Cubs are undefeated halfway through the season, there is no excuse. Luckily our mash unit of a ball club has been playing their tails off and been getting some good results but after being swept at home by the Royals and then losing two of three to the Tigers, the ol' Red Birds need to get some wins under their belt.

I have finished two fine Buttsweiser products and have become sleepy for some reason. Dammit Lukas! You spiked these, didn't you? I have lost all ability to concentrate....must watch TV...must stop writing...beer power taking over...have to order nachos....NACHOS!

Michael and Shannon become one collective Butts.

2008-06-12T23:11:00.002-05:00

I will be traveling to Pure Michigan this weekend to celebrate the wedding of Michael and Shannon. Let me be the first on the Internets to congratulate you.

APPLE BOTTOM JEANS AND BUTTS TAKING THE PLUNGE!

...sucker.

If you want AB you're going to have to pry it from my cold, dead hand.

2008-06-12T06:59:00.002-05:00

As you may have heard, the Belgian beer giant, InBev, has made an buy out offer to Anheuser-Busch. Needless to say this deal must not go through. AB is the last major brewery in America that is actually American owned. (I don't count Coors because they merged with Molson and have a marketing partnership with SABMiller, both foreign companies.) AB has been based in St. Louis since its creation in 1852 (although officially incorporated in 1875) and has been a pillar of the community ever since. Even during the dark days of prohibition, AB was one of the only breweries to remain open and provided much needed jobs to the region. Today AB is the largest U.S. based brewery creates more revenue for the St. Louis region than their books indicate. More than just providing jobs at the corporate headquarters and the brewery, AB uses local advertising agencies, distribution centers, and delivery services. They also provide millions of dollars in tourist revenue in St. Louis and around the country with their ownership of Sea World, Busch Gardens, and various other theme parks. The charitable work they do goes largely unreported but almost every single charity, school, and church in St. Louis has been touched by AB's generosity. Both St. Louis University and Washington University receive large donations from AB every year. Many churches receive free kegs of beer for annual picnics and festivals. AB also supports organizations all around the world. Check it out.

Not to be Chicken Little or anything but all of this would end should InBev be successful in their buyout plans. InBev has a history of brutally and heartlessly slashing costs. Any and all "unnecessary" programs would be cast aside to bring up the bottom line. They don't recognize the importance of building up the community and creating good will. Sitting in Belgium and Brazil, the owners just want the money and the Budweiser brand name. Think of AB as Callahan Auto and InBev as Zalinsky Auto Parts. You are Tommy Boy. Get the job done. The AB shareholders and consumers must put forth a concentrated effort to block this take over so go to www.saveAB.com to see how you can help. One of the best ways is to keep buying Budweiser and other AB produced beers and keep buying stock in AB and hopefully we can push up the value of AB so high that InBev would not be able to afford it.

Too Busy to Post Today

2008-06-11T14:48:00.001-05:00

...so just watch a funny G-rated video.

Now What The Hell Am I Supposed to do on Spring Break?

2008-06-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

It is with a heavy heart and a gutter ball that I announce the moving of the International Bowling Hall of Fame and Museum from downtown St. Louis to Dallas. You may think this is just me being funny but I seriously am pissed about this. The Bowling Hall of Fame is a hallmark of this young blogger's life. I am not a big bowler person. My average is probably somewhere around -89 but I have been to the Bowling Hall of Fame probably around 30 times. I love that damn place. If you live in the St. Louis area get your ass down there before they close doors. It is there you will find a brief history of the sport, an overview of bowling's cultural significance, its role in politics and the shaping of our great nation, and of course the car shaped like a bowling pin. The Hall of Fame portion of the...um...Hall of Fame is nothing extraordinary, just plaques with faces, names, and career highlights of great bowlers past and present, but after being to Canton, Ohio, it ranks up there with the NFL Hall of Fame. After you have picked your jaw off the ground in the Hall of Fame head on down to the basement and roll a few frames. You can use modern equipment and lanes or turn back the clock and use the old timey lanes with duckbill pins and a pin monkey at the end to return your ball to you by hand. (Note: pin monkey is not an actual monkey but rather an employee that sits at the end of the lane and rolls your ball back to you.) Seriously get to the Bowling HOF and fast.

Oh, here is your video for today. Man they love their mayor in Detroit. I wouldn't be surprised if they rename the Ren Cen after him. The Kwame Towers. I can see it now.

Well, Well, Well. Look Who We Got Here.

2008-06-04T15:16:00.004-05:00

It looks like I have some competition in the blogosphere (which is slightly below that Ionosphere.) Now since I only have ten minutes before I have to go back to work, I will be lame and post a video in order to keep thing fresh. If you are fan of Weezer, enjoy. If you are fan of YouTube quasi-celebs, enjoy. If you are fan of neither, enjoy and then post scathing comments about how lame everyone else is except for you.

I don't actually know 75% of the references in the video but I find it entertaining none the less and the song is catchy.

Since we last left our hero...

2008-05-28T18:28:00.004-05:00

Okay so I have been a bit slow on the blogging lately but I have good excuses. As you all have read in the news, I lost the DDC again this year. Lesser men would cry and waste away into nothingness, but I am better than most men. I just got pissed. After I got back from Chicago I immediately went on a three day golfing trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. I did not shoot the best rounds of my life but the last nine holes were definitely my best so I ended on a high note. I then traveled another few hundred miles and went to my wife's cousin's wedding in Central Illinois. There I learned how to plant crops, barbecue enough meat to literally choke a horse, and how to dispose of a dead horse. I then travelled back to St. Louis and started my summer job. Here is what I have learned Rule13 = Scary ass shit. I now plan on eating food. I am too freaked out about breaking any model rules so that is all I will say for now. Suffice it to say I am a big baller and all you people better step. (That last sentence is false and is mostly an homage to my freshman year roommate for some reason as he his a baller and did make people step, as long as they swung from his tip.)

NOLAN/OSTRANDER CLAIM 3RD CONSECUTIVE DDC TITLE TO ESTABLISH DYNASTY

2008-05-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

Chicago (AP): The fan poll of 175 voters had Roush/Stachowiak 65%-35%; Stachowiak had a new set of clubs; Nolan didn't hit a golf ball before the weekend; and yet, in the end, the more things changed, the more things stayed the same. For the third consecutive year, and by the largest margin in NFL-DDC history, Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander captured the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill in weather that could only be described as gorgeous.

After exchanging holes through seven, Nolan and Ostrander captured the 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th for a five hole lead with seven to go. After winning the 12th to cut their deficit to four, Roush and Stachowiak looked to be on a roll on the 13th green, with both they and Ostrander on in 3 and Nolan on in 4. With Roush closest to the hole, this seemed to be where things would turn. However, in what can only be described as the most clutch moment in the long tradition of the NFL-DDC, Ostrander sank a 17 foot birdie put, and Nolan followed with a 15 footer for par himself, rendering Roush/Stachowiak's par/par moot and pushing the lead back to an insurmountable 5 with 5 to go. For good measure, Nolan and Ostrander won the 14th to capture the tournament, 6 and 4.

"This one felt good," said Ostrander, clutching the Birdie as Iron Mike Ditka looked on, slightly confused as to what was going on. "If we'd have lost this one, the series really would have evened out. Instead, the pressure only builds on Roush and Stachowiak for 2009 in St. Louis." Rumor has it that Roush and Stachowiak have already begun plans to scout and prepare for the course well ahead of time for 2009, and to sneakily not reveal the course until it is too late for Nolan and Ostrander to prepare. "That's fine," said Nolan. "I didn't prepare this year, and I still finished low man."

Despite the tensions and depression that encompassed a third-consecutive loss for Roush and Stachowiak, the media noticed that all participants and significant others appeared to have a most excellent time at the 2008 NFL-DDC at Cog Hill. Stachowiak won the Pro-Am for the 2nd year in a row (this year, at the Pistol), the women got in some shopping on Michigan Avenue, and all attendees got to sing Edelweiss and Kevin's Beer Song with liter mugs of beer, exchange barbs with Mike Ditka before eating his food, and witness a Chicago Cubs victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates (and a quite impressive batting practice show, which included a game of catch between the Pirates and Stachowiak) from the 3rd row of the left-field bleachers at historic Wrigley Field.

"Thanks to everyone for coming in and making the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill Legen..." said Nolan. After wiping a tear from his eye and looking to the west, to see the "W" flag flying over Wrigley, he seemed to be finally letting the emotions of the weekend of friendship and victory overtake him. In a soft whisper, and with a gleam in his eye, he concluded, "...dary."

The Polls Have Closed

2008-05-15T14:04:00.003-05:00

...and Roush and Stachowiak were selected as the team the people want to see win the 2008 NFL DDC by a landslide. The results of the fan vote were not a surprise to anyone following this year's contest.

"I voted at least 20 times for my boys, Jim and Mike." Pardon the Interruption host, Tony Kornheiser said. "I even stopped voting on American Idol just to give Roush and Stack my full BS voting system loyalty."

Michael Wilbon was unavailable for comment because he was watching NBA Inside Stuff with Amad Rashad.

In other news, this year's NFL DDC players have started making final preparations ahead of the main event on Saturday and some have already started descending upon Chicago. Michael Ostrander's arrival in the Windy City is supposed to rival the homecoming of the 2000-2001 Chicago Bulls while Jim Stachowiak's forward team has started making the final touches at Soldier Field, Millenium Park, and the John Hancock Building for the multi-venue concert that will be held in celebration of his arrival. Over a billion people are expected to attend.

Oh...dear...God...

2008-05-13T15:48:00.009-05:00

It was earlier reported that Mr. Ostrander's class officially endorsed Roush and Stachowiak in this year's NFL DDC. Apparently that report was wrong:

Dead wrong:

The goal for this year's NFL DDC and team Roush/Stachowiak? Never let this happen again:

"Look everyone! No pit stains!"

Nerds

2008-05-11T11:58:00.003-05:00

If you are a frequent reader of this blog you know that one of the things I learned while in Detroit for a bachelor party is that nobody born before 1989 will ever be as good as anyone born after 1989 in Guitar Hero. Here is my proof:

I especially like how proud the kid is at the end. The song that this 9 year old is playing is called "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce. When I first heard it I thought that it must be from some hair metal band from the 1980s. The thrashing guitars, the lyrics that remind me of movies like The Neverending Story, Legend, or Willow. Well I was right about the hair but wrong about the date. Dragonforce put out this single way back in 2007! That's right. From this video I dare you tell me someone didn't just kidnap some garage band from 1984, put them in a time machine, bought some clothes from J. Crew, and took them back to 1984 where they then filmed this video and stored the tape in a time capsule not to be opened until there was a guitar based video game out there that was just as cool as they were. Check it out.

Classic. I know you are asking yourself, "Self, I wonder what Dragonforce's influences are." Well according to an interview by lead guitarist Herman Li:

The band influence is wide across the Metal spectrum. Everything we listen to can influence us in a way, Hard Rock, cock hard, Death Metal, Thrash, Speed, shred, guitar instrumental stuff, progressive and definitely late 80’s, early 90’s video games music.

Did you catch that? Hard rock, sure. Cock hard...um...okay... Death Metal, okay. Trash, Speed; ya think? EARLY 90'S VIDEO GAMES! Not enough bands have been influenced by video games and it is a shame think of all the wonderful songs the world has been missing because of the lack of video game pop/rock out there. For his next album Justin Timberlake better do remixes of the themes to the Legend of Zelda, Sonic the Hedgehog, Super Mario Brothers, and the song that plays during the training cut scenes in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. If only the Beatles were around when Donkey Kong came out maybe there wouldn't have been a rift between John and Paul.

Speaking of Donkey Kong, if you haven't seen King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, you have to go out and rent it tonight. It is full of real winners like these guys:

My favorite is the guy in the food fight shirt.

This Kwame Thing Has Legs

2008-05-09T19:00:00.004-05:00

Everyone's favorite mayor has made the big time. Earlier this week on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, after speaking briefly about Ohio Attorney General Mark Dan, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's texting scandal was analyzed by Stewart and the R. Kelly Impersonator. All I want to know is what is wrong with loving chili?

Cool, I embedded my first video.

STACHOWIAK DEAL WITH NIKE OFFICIAL

2008-05-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

North Liberty(AP) – In a press conference at the University of Iowa this morning Roush-Stachowiak team member Jim Stachowiak confirmed rumors that he would be ending his ten year sponsorship run with Tour Select and inking a new deal with Nike. In an unprecedented move, this sponsorship deal includes a clause requiring Stachowiak to use Nike irons at the NFL DDC at Cog Hill next week.

With only eight days to go before the DDC, this is an unprecedented move. When asked why this move was being made now as opposed to after the DDC, Stachowiak accused Tour Select of conspiring to defeat he and Roush.

“Tour Select has been in the back pocket of Nolan and Ostrander for a few years now, why else do you think we lost the last two years” said Stachowiak. “This year it just got worse, over the last two weeks, two of those clubs snapped on me. It was time to get onboard with a company that is totally behind Mike and myself.”

The only other example of such a drastic equipment change on record came when Phil Mickelson changed clubs prior to the 2004 Ryder Cup. Roush and Stachowiak certainly hope for better results than Mickelson had.

“I’ll get one round in before the Pro Am” Stachowiak said to assure fans that he wouldn’t be hitting the new clubs for the first time come Saturday.

At Nike headquarters in Beaverton, Oregon today’s announcement coincided with renaming a building on Nike’s campus after Roush and Stachowiak. Nike CEO Phil Knight released a statement saying that Nike is glad to have Mr. Stachowiak onboard. It only seems natural with our history of great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods that we would strike a deal with the DDC’s premier team.

In a lesser publicized DDC press conference in South Bend, Indiana this afternoon, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis pledged his support for Nolan and Ostrander.

“Mike and Jim will come in with all kinds of excuses. To hell with Roush and Stachowiak, I’ve got Nolan and Ostrander.” When asked to elaborate, all he said was “see you at Ditka’s”.

Two Exams down; Three to go.

2008-05-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

(sigh)

DDC Updates

2008-05-06T11:01:00.004-05:00

Both stories earlier posted have been pulled due to bad taste.

Let it be known, however, bad people have endorsed both teams.

Oprah Gets in on DDC Fun

2008-05-05T13:18:00.001-05:00

Chicago (AP): Chicago is already a buzz with excitement over this month’s NFLDDC, but golf’s biggest event just got a little bigger. In a news conference this morning, Chicago’s second most famous citizen Oprah Winfrey announced that she will be relocating her popular afternoon talk show to Cog Hill for the week of May 12th – May 16th. “It is not everyday that Chicago gets to hold a world class event such as the DDC, I would be cheating my viewers if I were not a part of it” said Oprah. The back drop for the show will be Cog Hill’s clubhouse. The tentative schedule is as follows: Monday – Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander, Tuesday: Mike Roush and Jim Stachowiak, Wednesday: The Wives Perspective, Thursday: The Greatest Trophy in Golf: The Birdie, Friday: Celebrity Predictions and a Live Feed from the DDC Pro-Am.

The Family Vote is In

2008-05-05T09:03:00.002-05:00

Chicago (AP)--As excitement for the NFL DDC grows and grows, people have been eagerly anticipating how the families of the DDC members are handling the increased attention. All the spouses and significant others have pledged support for their men in the past but it seems that lately this support as eroded in the past few days, at least in the case of Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander. Shannon Wade was recently spotted at a local Panera where witnesses overheard her telling an unknown companion, “I don’t give a rip if Butts wins the Birdie or not. I just want him to stop all this foolishness and focus on the wedding.” Shannon and Ostrander and scheduled to be married in June, one month after the DDC.

“If I am honest with myself, I really hope Roush and Stachowiak just wax the floor at the DDC so Butts and I will have something to talk about on our honeymoon besides the damn golf tournament.” Wade went on to say.

Nina Tito was at the Borders on Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago waiting in line for Mike Roush’s autograph at a book signing he was doing for his latest release entitled Life in General: How to Live and Thrive the Roush Way. When approached by reporters Tito said “I have been a life long fan of Mike Roush and am so excited to finally meet him in person. Sure, I hang out with Nolan from time to time, but come DDC time, I will be wearing a Mike Roush jersey and a Jim Stachowiak bald cap.”

While there may be dissention in the ranks on Team Nolan/Ostrander, Roush and Stachowiak are fully supported by their wives. Both Mrs. Roush and Stachowiak were seen at various fundraising events across the Midwest raising money for their husband’s golfing endeavor.

“Colleen and I could not be more proud of our husbands.” Roush said. “They have been in lock step with every decision we have made so it is only fair that we fully support them in whatever they do.” Roush was later seen receiving a large duffel bag full of money. It is not known at this time if the money was for the trip to Ditka’s or as compensation for her comments.

“Jim has been the best husband I could ever ask for, so I am being the best wife he could ever ask for by not only putting up with this DDC business, but fully supporting him in it.” Stachowiak said.

With their wives and the significant others of the other DDC members on their side, Roush and Stachowiak picked up surprise endorsements from each and every family member of both Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander. Michael Ostrander’s high school students also lined up behind Roush and Stachowiak, holding a pep rally in their honor after classes ended last Friday.

UPDATE: All of the votes from the families of Roush and Stachowiak are in, and they are 100% for team Roush/Stachowiak.

MCCAIN TO MAKE APPEARANCE ROUSH/STACHOWIAK RALLY

2008-05-02T14:03:00.002-05:00

Chicago (AP): With less than a month to go before the NFLDDC at Cog Hill, not much has been heard out of the Roush/Stachowiak camp. Many DDC followers speculate they are keeping a low profile due to their strict practice routine with Tiger Woods. However, details are starting to leak out about a concert/rally for Roush/Stachowiak fans that will rival Woodstock in popularity and historical significance. This rally, called “Bring Back the Birdie 2008”, will be an all day event held on Thursday May 17th at Millennium Park in Chicago in the shadows of Nolan’s office. “We want Nolan and Ostrander to know Mike and Jim are coming for them and they have an army of support twice the size of Arnie’s” said Bring Back the Birdie 2008 organizer Tony Snow, “That’s why were holding this at Millennium Park, we want Nolan to see first hand the gallery that he is going to be up against.” The roster of bands playing this concert has not been finalized, but The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Poison, Eminem, Neil Diamond, the Good Piano Guy from Pluggers, Miley Cyrus, the Killers, Tom Petty, Run DMC, Brooks and Dunn, Vanilla Ice, Chuck Berry, Bob Seger, Toby Keith, and Bon Jovi have all pledged their support for Roush and Stachowiak and will participate in this concert. “Bands from Drum Corp International have expressed interest, but no fan of Mike and Jim is interested in that crap” said Snow. Also expected at this rally is the release of Chicago legend Wesley Willis’ “The Birdie is the Greatest Trophy in the History of the World”. As if all of that weren’t enough a spokesman for Sen. John McCain said earlier today that since it’s inception, Sen. McCain has always been a fan of the DDC and Roush and Stachowiak and that he wouldn’t miss the chance to make an appearance at their rally. Sen. McCain runs his campaign on the same principles Roush and Stachowiak play the DDC, truth, justice, kicking ass, and the American way.

Follow up:

Sen. McCain’s office has released a statement saying that this press release was in draft form (his staffer had a meeting mid draft) when the other story with quotes from Iowa was released this morning. “This morning’s Iowa comments were misconstrued. Never did I endorse Nolan and Ostrander, I’ll leave that to people like Kwame Kilpatrick. Also, I certainly don’t endorse anything Ostrander says when drunk. I am 100% behind Roush and Stachowiak in the DDC” said Sen. McCain. More on this story as it develops.

GOD ENDORSES NOLAN/OSTRANDER

Chicago (AP): At a 1:23pm (CST) press conference this afternoon, held at heaven (Wrigley Field), God endorsed Nolan and Ostrander to win the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill. Despite the fact that God can pretty much make whomever he wants to win, organizers confirmed plans to actually contest the event, citing a desire to keep the fans and the media happy.

President Bush in St. Louis Today; Backs Roush/Stachowiak

2008-05-02T11:16:00.005-05:00

President Bush, along with Missouri Senator Kit Bond and Representative Todd Akin, spoke this morning at World Wide Technologies in St. Louis, Missouri in what was supposed to be a speech about the economy. While the President did talk briefly about his economic stimulus package, the bulk of the speech was devoted to the NFL DDC.

"America needs for Roush and Stack...Stow...Stachovich to win the DDC. These great champions have been on the losing side too long. It is no coincidence that the economy has been more sluggish than when they were DDC champions. The sale of DDC t-shirts, videos, and other memorabilia sky rocket when Roush and um...Jim, win the tournament." Bush said.

Roush, fresh off a devastating go at a Partnership Tax exam, spoke briefly and the content of their conversation is secret but sources have said that the President offered Roush the use of Air Force One for any DDC related travel. Roush is unlikely to need the presidential airplane because of his access to the famous Roush fleet of jets.

NOLAN/OSTRANDER RECEIVE ENDORSEMENT FROM THE STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS

Des Moines, IA (AP): At his morning press conference during a stop in Des Moines, Iowa, John McCain endorsed Nolan and Ostrander for the 2008 NFL-DDC. Looking to boost his Iowa numbers, he thought about backing Zach Johnson, but decided upon the more recent heroes in Iowa. "Nolan and Ostrander know what it's like to talk straight, especially after a couple of drinks," said Senator McCain. "I can't wait for the Friday "get the other team more drunk than your team" event.

TEE TIME SET FOR 2008 CHICAGO NFL-DDC PRO-AM AT MAROVITZ

2008-05-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

Chicago (Reuters): According to two-time defending NFL-DDC champion Matt Nolan, the tee time for the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC Pro-Am at Marovitz has been set. "To allow ample time for travel and settling in, but not to waste away the evening, the tee time for the Pro-Am has been set for 4:28pm" said Nolan. "Golfers will find this 9-hole course a good tune-up for Cog Hill, and will also enjoy majestic views of Lake Michigan, much like Pebble Beach, only about $479.50 less per round." While the participants will have to walk with their clubs from their lodging to the course, Nolan doesn't see this as a problem. "Other than Ostrander and I, all of the participants are wildly out of shape, and the walk will probably do them some good." Attendees are encouraged to arrive early to find parking, as the Cubs play the Pirates at Wrigley Field at 1:20pm that afternoon.

Chicago continues to grow in excitement for its trial run for the 2016 Olympics. This Saturday evening, Kirkland & Ellis is hosting a formal dinner and casino night, as a trial run for the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill post-tournament banquet at Mike Ditka's. Word has it that Nina Tito, an NFL-DDC virgin, is also beginning to explore options for the participants' ladies to partake of during this year's rumble. Women are encouraged to contact each other to sort out the details.

The NFL-DDC came to the political world early this morning, when another Hillary Clinton superdelegate defected, but this time to "Nolan/Ostrander, 3 and 2" instead of to rival Barack Obama. "I've seen Obama shoot hoops and bowl," said the superdelegate, who asked to remain nameless as he is going through an investigation and probable trial for his use of high-priced call girls while governor of New York. "There's no way I can endorse him to beat Stachowiak/Roush, but I can definitely go with Nolan/Ostrander. Those guys know how to stroke it." Nolan and Ostrander also picked up endorsements from Pope Benedict XVI, Fielding Yost's ghost, all of the women who have had affairs with Roger Clemens, Wolf from American Gladiators, Hornswaggle, and Billy Ray Cyrus, who added, "Nolan and Ostrander are just going to be Miley, 7 and 5."

Roush and Stachowiak received endorsements from Mark D'Antonio, Satan, Osama Bin Laden, Hellga from American Gladiators, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Bill Richardson, Raul Castro and Vlad the Impaler's ghost.

Mad Props to the Wife

2008-05-01T15:09:00.002-05:00

My wife is great and as such she needs a great nickname to be used on this blog. I traditionally do not use nicknames as I prefer to call everyone by their given name or "jerk." Since my wife does not qualify as a "jerk" (far from it) and I don't want to use her given name online (even though everyone that reads this probably knows her) I need to come up with an alias. I was reading David Feherty's blog and he calls his wife "She Who Must Be Obeyed." I liked that one a lot but I am not going to straight up steal another man's wife's online nickname plus I don't want to give the impression that my wife is some evil force that calls forth all the demons in hell just because I forgot to but the seat down (or up in some cases). So world, come up with a good name and you win an official Bubba Tunes congratulations.

Finals Be Damned. Posting Shall Continue

2008-04-30T10:34:00.004-05:00

Okay so I am studying for finals but unlike those suckers in The Paper Chase I will not let studying ruin my having a good time. This means that you readers are lucky because I will continue to post whenever I feel like it. Of course since I actually am studying the posts will probably be shorter than usual and slightly less witty. (I say slightly because my wittiness factor is quite low to start off with so any decline would have to be slight even if I were became completely devoid of any and all wit.) Also since the DDC is just weeks away I will probably be focused on golf related things. Since my Partnership Tax exam is tomorrow and I don't stand a snow ball's chance in hell of getting a good grade in it at this point I am going to let a guest writer do my job for me. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you David Feherty.

As an encore, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the ever-so-classy, John Daly.

And so it begins...

2008-04-28T22:44:00.003-05:00

Classes are officially over. It is exam go time. Original posts will be sporadic at best for a couple of weeks but look for continued NFL DDC related press releases.

Earthquake '08: Day..um...something

2008-04-25T15:58:00.002-05:00

Yet another earthquake tore through St. Louis again this afternoon. I thought it was a truck again but sure enough, it was a tremor. I need to stock up on water and spam.

Nolan/Ostrander Pick Up Yet Another Set of Endorsements

2008-04-24T09:46:00.002-05:00

Columbus, OH - In a late night press conference from an undisclosed location somewhere in central Ohio, a joint press conference was called by Justin Boren, Osama bin Laden, William Ayers, Kim Jong Il, and Cobra Commander to issue their support of Matt Nolan and Michael Ostander in the 2008 NFL DDC. Upon hearing this news former supporters of Nolan and Ostrander, including Michigan Head Coach Rich Rodriguez and former Coach Lloyd Carr, immediately renounced their support and declared support for Team Roush-Stachowiak. Kathy and Shemy Schembechler also came out and said that their late husband and father, Bo Schembechler, would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the current situation. The Michigan Supreme Court has invalidated Schembechler's will on public policy grounds and declared it illegal for any Michigan resident, former resident, or alumnus from any institution in Michigan to declare support for anyone other than Roush and Stachowiak.

TEAM NOLAN/OSTRANDER PICK UP MAJOR ENDORSEMENTS

2008-04-24T09:25:00.001-05:00

Ann Arbor - According to local sources, new University of Michigan Head Football Coach Rich Rodriguez and his predecessor, Lloyd Carr, have scheduled a 1:00PM (EST) news conference to announce that they will pledge their complete support to Matthew J. Nolan and Michael Ostrander in the 2008 NFL DDC at Cog Hill. The announcement is the first major endorsement in what is expected to be a month full of celebrity interest in the annual golf tournament. When reached by phone late last night, Coach Carr exclaimed, "I think these two Michigan Men are absolutely tremendous. They have an opportunity to become legends in a legendary event." Coach Rodriguez also commented, saying, "I fully support Nolan and Ostrander as true examples of Michigan Men and the only true champions of the NFL DDC. Additionally, if I had decided not to endorse their team, Mike Barwis threatened to 'kick my lily-white ass'." While this announcement comes as little surprise to those who closely follow the situation, the most shocking revelation that is set to be discussed at the press conference is the announcement that Michigan coaching legend Glenn E. "Bo" Shembechler included a provision in his will providing that no members of the DDC other than Nolan and Ostrander can ever claim an endorsement from any true Michigan Men. In related news, Justin Boren is scheduled to announce his endorsement of Team Roush/Stachowiak later this week.

UPDATE: It has been learned that the author of the above story had been sniffing glue all night long and may have had glue related hallucinations. As such, nothing in the above story should be taken seriously. The reporter is currently in rehab. May God have mercy on his soul.

Those Who Stay Will Be Champions

2008-04-23T12:58:00.003-05:00

I have edited this post because I believe my earlier post was too rash. I have calmed down and decided only to say that if you want to play for Michigan great, if you don't, there's the door. Where you go after you leave is your own decision.

(I still want to win at least the next three meetings though.)

You're killing me Smalls! You're killing me.

2008-04-23T10:05:00.002-05:00

This is a brillant post and I am a little mad I had not thought of it myself. I just want to know who is Wendy Peppercorn?

Earth Day Tips

2008-04-22T16:51:00.005-05:00

Okay, so today is Earth Day and since Bubba Tunes is all about being green, today we will discuss (now that we have discussed T-shirts, Cubs Tickets, Jake Long, and DDC copiers) the problem of rising gas and energy prices. All of those readers that drive are well aware the price at the pump has gotten way out of hand. When I started driving I could fill up the entire tank for $8.00. Today this would barely get me 2 gallons at the local Shell station.

There are a lot of variables that contribute to the rising cost of gasoline but one solution pushed is bio-diesel and ethanol. Bio-diesel and ethanol use corn and other crops that will not only be a greener alternative to regular gas but will also reduce the price at the pump. Here’s the rub: using food for fuel apparently is not a good idea. Okay so you will only have to pay a buck to fill your SUV but you will have to boil your tires for food because that is all that’s left.

Another solution to rising gas prices that has spread over the internet over the years is to get everyone to pick one day when nobody buys gas. Oops. One-day gas boycotts is like having America stop going to McDonald’s on July 1st to reduce the price on Quarter Pounders with Cheese. On July 2nd the burgers will still be there and will still cost the same.

Okay okay, if there is no effective way to reduce demand quickly to lower the price, what about using a biofuels that don’t require using food? Excellent question, how about using algae instead of corn? Wrong…at least for now. While algae-based biofuel may be a solution down the line, right now it is just too darn expensive.

Okay Mike, what the hell do you propose then? Well, who says there is a problem? All I know is that I could stand to drop a couple pounds. I do have to fit into that “Those Who Stay Will Be Champions” t-shirt after all.

If you really want to do something to stop polluting like a crazy bastard here are some easy things that you can do:
1. Recycle - duh.
2. Use reusable bags at the grocery store--This is cheap and easy. The bags hold more stuff and if you shop at Trader Joe's they actually give you a discount for using reusable bags. Nifty.
3. Walk to the store across the street--I know you have a pimp ass ride but if it only takes a few minutes to walk then break out the Adidas Sambas and walk there.
4. Use long lasting light bulbs--These are cool not only because they use less energy and last longer, but they also come in cool twirly shapes.
5. Turn off the damn lights--If you aren't using the room, turn off the lights.
6. If you have a yard grow some veggies--I don't know exactly how this works as far as being environmentally sound but my guess is that if you eat vegetables that were not exposed to pesticides and were never shipped on a truck there would be that much less pesticides and gas emissions in the atmosphere. I think growing a garden is cool just because you can get in mad tomato fights with the neighbors.
7. Stop smoking-- This definitely has nothing to do with the environment but damn it I hate smelling like an ash tray every time I go to the bar.
8. When in doubt ask yourself, "what would that crying Indian think?"--You know the Indian that was really Italian from that commercial in the 1970s? Of course you do. If you are about to chuck something out of your car ask yourself if that Indian/Italian would cry or not. If there is no tear, have no fear. If he starts to cry, just pass on by. Emily Dickinson eat your heart out.
9. Convince your friends to buy hybrid cars but you don't buy one yourself--Right now the money you would pay for a hybrid is more than you would save at the pump but if your friends all buy hybrids less gas would be consumed. This has two good effects: 1. Less gas emissions; and 2. Lower demand and price of gas for you. In a few years when hybrids are worth it, then go for it. Until then let the swells take the burden.

I know there are some of you that want to bring littering back so there will be jobs for people like Hooty the Owl but you should remember that picking up litter would just provide more jobs for illegal immigrants and nobody wants that.

P.S. This message was brought to you by the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt, not Al Gore.

Long Gone.

2008-04-22T15:13:00.003-05:00

Jake Long is the first Michigan Wolverine to be selected as the number one draft pick since Tom Harmon had the same honor in 1941.

Congrats Jake.

The St. Louis Rams are on the clock and would be wise to select the other Long.

Delusional NFL DDC Member Thinks the Cubs are Worth Support

2008-04-22T13:27:00.002-05:00

Chicago (AP): With less than a month to go until the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill, final preparations are underway and details are being finalized. Matt Nolan held a press conference at the Haray Caray statue outside of beautiful Wrigley Field this morning to announce that the final two bleacher tickets for the competitors and their ladies for the May 18th Cubs v. Pirates game had been procured. "This is a big step for the DDC,"said Nolan, grinning in the wake of the Cubs' 7-1 win on Monday night that gave the Northsiders their first 13-6 start in over 20 years. "Now we'll all be able to watch the 2008 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs defeat the Pirates again, just like they have in their first six meetings this season." When reminded that he is the only Cubs fan who will be competing in the NFL-DDC, Nolan shrugged and remarked, "that's only one of us who's winning a World Series AND the Birdie this year, then." Because of increased traffic on Lakeshore and Grace St. near Nolan's apartment, Chicago commuters are encouraged to drive Halsted St. to and from work in the mornings at least until May 19th.

Jamar Adams = DDC Wannabe

2008-04-22T11:23:00.002-05:00

This is the most blatant case of copy catism (that is the legal term) in the history of America. Although it could be the most flattering example of flattering in the history of flattering. The jury is still out. Mr. Adams should mind his Ps and Qs until the DDC legal action team has finished their research (Matt, get on this because I am too lazy.) Right now it may just be a round of golf on the day of the NFL draft but if he decides to give that round a name, play his friends for a trophy from Things Remembered, or put up gift cards for longest drive contests, then I am absolutely sure there will be a open and shut case of first degree ripping off.

Happy Earth Day.

2008-04-22T09:43:00.004-05:00

Be sure to give a pile of dirt, a tree, or a bull frog a nice big hug today.

Total Mind Blow: I received the following e-mail from Moe Sport Shop:

"Hello Michael,We received your order today, but have unfortunately run out of the "Those who stay" Tee in XL. The only sizes we have are small through large. I do have "The Team. The Team. The Team." in XL. Let us know whether you would like to substitute a different item, or if you would prefer the I remove that item from your order and ship the Nike Polo. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Have a great day and thank you for choosing Moe's."

I decided to take the "The Team" shirt. I guess the XL's didn't stay on the shelves and are therefore not to be considered champions.

In other news, I have decided to lose weight so I can wear large t-shirts instead of XLs.

Snow Falls on Atlanta

2008-04-21T20:07:00.003-05:00

This is surprising to me. Tony Snow at CNN is like having Dee Dee Myers at Fox News. Wait a second...CNN grabbed Ari Fleischer first, now Tony Snow...Fox News needs to go after Scott McClellan hard to prevent CNN having the trifecta of retired George W. Bush press secretaries. I actually am not surprised that CNN has hired Snow. He is an extremely popular figure in conservative circles (see my bulletin board from college) and he brings a history of successful ratings at Fox News and on radio. Fox is killing CNN in the ratings and I honestly think CNN's move here will take away some viewers. If Snow were to get his own show a la Bill O'Reilly CNN could do quite well. All I know is that tomorrow when I tune in to the coverage of the Pennsylvania primaries I will definitely switch away from Brit Hume from time to time to see what my boy Tony Snow has to say. (By the way, who in their right mind would name their child anything other than "Brit Hume?" That has got to be the best name in the history of names.)

Earthquake 2008: Day Four

2008-04-21T08:55:00.002-05:00

Forty minutes past midnight I felt yet another aftershock. Each passing tremor is more intense that the one before it and I fear that there is little time before the whole of the Midwest is sucked under the Earth's crust in a violent showing of nature's wrath.

Okay that may not actually happen. The aftershock last night was just a shade above the level our apartment vibrates when a large dump truck passes by. So fear not fellow earthquake '08 survivors, we shall get through this together or separately depending on your level of cooperation in these harsh times.

Earthquake '08: Day One

2008-04-18T08:37:00.004-05:00

At 4:37 this morning the entire St. Louis area was engulfed in shaking. It was as if the metropolitan area went to the Broookstone store at the mall, sat in the demo massaging chair, and hit the "medium" button. This pre-dawn tremor was centered in Southeast Illinois measured 5.2 on the "shakability ranking" and could be felt as far away as Michigan and Florida. The last time a quake this strong hit the Midwest was in 1968. Incidentally that was the same year the Cardinals were jobbed out of a World Series title. I was, of course, sleeping when the quake hit and continued to sleep until the asshole alarm clock woke me up. The terror I felt once I learned about the quake when I turned on the car radio was non-existent although I was hoping FEMA would swoop in and give me $2,000 and a trailer. As this story develops (which it won't) I will keep you informed because I promise to have the best Earthquake '08 coverage on the internet.

UPDATE: I am still in class.

UPDATE 2: This undate's title was not in bold because I didn't feel like it. As one really on the ball poster has already mentioned, there was an aftershock to this morning's earthquake. I was sitting at home and actually felt it. I guess it could have been the can of beans I had just eaten though.

Spring is Here; Time to Dress Like Idiots

2008-04-17T09:58:00.005-05:00

The weather over the last couple of days has been absolutely perfect. The sky has been a bright, crisp blue. The wind has been blowing gently bring with it the sweet smell of the nectar from the blossoming and colorful flowers, plants, and trees. The sun shines and the Earth which has been so cold and hard for months has started to warm and soften under heat of the sun. Also jackoffs around the St. Louis area have started wearing flip flops with blue jeans.

If there is one thing I cannot stand it is jackoffs wearing long pants and flip flops. WTF! I know you are asking yourself, "But Mike, what about people that aren't jackoffs that wear flip flops with long pants?" The problem with that question is that people that wear flip flops and long pants automatically become jackoffs by deciding to wear flip flops with long pants. Flip flops, if they need to be worn at all (and I don't think they ever need to be worn), should only be worn with the following articles of clothing:

1. Hawaiian Shirt
2. Swimming Suit
3. There is no number 3.

That being said even should you wear an outfit that properly occasions the wearing of flip flops, you may only wear the flip flops in the following situations:

1. At the pool.
2. At the beach.
3. On a chartered deep sea fishing boat.

I remind you that flip flops are not at all necessary in any of these situations so if you don choose to wearing them even in these slightly less jackoffy situations you will still give off very strong jackoff vibes to everyone around you.

In deed I do believe the only perfectly acceptable situation for wearing flip flops, and actually a situation in which I actually strongly recommend the use of flip flops, is when taking a shower in a college dorm or gym locker room. That is the sole (pun sort of intended) purpose of flip flops: to keep your feet from becoming infected with some type of M.R.S.E. that the frat guy living next door picked up at his last hazing when he had to steal bio-waste from the hospital and drink it.

I probably would not get so upset if I just saw people wearing flip flops while wearing shorts. I could understand that. It's hot, I want my legs and feet to stay cool so I will let them breathe. I personally don't do it but I get it. I do not get why these jackoffs decide that the weather and temperature is just so that I want to keep my legs covered up but let my fungal covered feet out in public for all to see just how nasty and hairy they actually are. Why don't you just by a pair of electric blue Crocs, rent a tuxedo, and really hit up the town in style? You would look just as good as with your flip flops and blue jeans but at least people will just assume that you are "special" and not a jackoff, which of course, you are. End of rant.

By the way, happy belated birthday to Nolan, Burke, and the Pope.

Woods Surgery Cover for DDC Work?

2008-04-16T11:35:00.001-05:00

(From TMZ.com--and Jim Stachowiak)

Yesterday, on his website Tiger Woods announced that he will be having surgery on his right knee and thus will not be participating in any tour events for the next 4-6 weeks while rehabbing his surgically repaired knee. While this is from his official website, TMZ.com has sources who say the striped one may not be being totally honest with his fans. Tiger Woods is a known supporter of Jim Stachowiak and Mike Roush when it comes to the only major that he cannot officially participate in, the NFL DDC. After two crushing defeats to Nolan and Ostrander the last couple of years, Tiger feels that he may has some inside knowledge on this year’s course, Cog Hill, that will help Roush and Stachowiak reclaim “the birdie” says an unidentified tour member. “He wants to help, but he wants to fly under the radar to catch Nolan and Ostrander off guard, that is why he concocted this injury story.” Looking at Woods’ timetable for return, five weeks from the surgery date would be May 20th, the week after the DDC, giving him enough time away from the tour and the media to work with Roush and Stachowiak on their strategy. Also, TMZ.com has learned that Woods will be ‘rehabbing” at a facility in Hannibal, Missouri. What is the significance of that? Well, Hannibal is roughly half way between St. Louis and Iowa City, or the respective homes of Roush and Stachowiak. These “coincidences” lead many on tour to believe that Woods isn’t actually having surgery at all, I guess we’ll find out come DDC weekend.

Other DDC News:

Following this weekend’s incident with a Red Sox fan burying a Red Sox jersey under the new Yankee Stadium as a curse on the Yankees, rumors have begun spreading that Roush and Stachowiak may have attempted to put a similar curse on Nolan and Ostrander. Reached at work Stachowiak stated that Michael and Shannon Ostrander may be surprised at what they’d find if they took a jackhammer to the foundation of their recently completed home in Belding. He would not specify, but said that some Roush-Stachowiak memorabilia was let onsite during a covert summer 2007 trip to Belding as a curse on Nolan and Ostrander. Mike Roush would not comment on the situation when approached this week and Nolan and Ostrander were unavailable for comments. With the golf world focused on the DDC, sparks seem to be beginning to fly. Stay tuned for more on this story.

Tiger Where art Thou?

2008-04-14T10:06:00.002-05:00

Tiger, my man, where were you on Sunday? All you had to do was make up 6 shots and you would be Master's champion yet again. The media cannot believe you didn't win just by showing up. They cannot believe that Hooty Johnson didn't just hand you the green jacket because your name was in the headlines more than anyone else in the field. I guess winning the Masters actually takes some work. (Not as much work as it takes to win the DDC, but a lot of work nonetheless.) Tiger Woods has never come from behind on Sunday to win a major (he has never lost the lead going into the final round either) so why is everyone screaming and yelling at Tiger now? Do you think it may be because they had hyped this as Tiger's year to win the Grand Slam and now their storyline is gone? Ah crap, I have to start paying attention in class again. Until I return entertain your self here.

The Anger Sharks are Circling in my Head

2008-04-10T23:41:00.005-05:00

I hate Notre Dame. I hate them so much. I am using the word hate here. They shouldn't have even been in this tournament. Damn it all to hell. Okay I am done venting...okay one more thing...AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

There, now I feel better...AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

I would just love it if Michigan actually came through in a big game just once.

Update: The anger sharks are still there but I have found an outlet.

NFL DDC Anticipation Grows

2008-04-10T11:24:00.001-05:00

Today marks the opening round of the 2008 Masters in Augusta, Georgia but golf fans everywhere have been unable pry their attention away from Chicago where final preparations are being made at Cog Hill where the 2008 NFL DDC will be held in May.

“Tiger Woods has been picked to win the green jacket again so all I care about is how the rough is growing at Cog Hill,” said George Miller of Monterey, California. “Its thickness will the key factor in determining the outcome of the DDC.”

Course conditions have been the focus of many fans’ attention but NFL DDC members have noticed an increase in paparazzo and hangers-on in recent weeks.

“It used to be I could go to the grocery store without much of a following but now every time I have to pick up a gallon of milk I have hundreds of people clamoring for autographs and dozens of flash bulbs popping in my face,” said Mike Roush. “All I want is to pick up my dry cleaning without having to sign a baby’s forehead.”

The increased attention that surrounds the NFL DDC players leading up to the event is not new and some players have made plans in preparation of this phenomenon. Michael Ostrander has been in seclusion at an undisclosed location in Florida to escape the crowds.

“I had tried to lay low in Greektown this past weekend but I was not safe even there. After trying to relax at the Greektown Casino, I had to leave in a hurry under the protection of four or five security guards for my own safety.” Ostrander said.

Las Vegas Experiencing DDC Effect

2008-04-09T19:35:00.000-05:00

Chicago (AP):

A mere five weeks away, the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill is beginning to not only affect the city of Chicago, but is also spreading its economic benefits south and west. In an official notice and/or promotional email offer received earlier today by NFL-DDC Chicago Host Committee chair Matt Nolan, it became known that the cost of being near "the other action" in Las Vegas over this year's NFL-DDC weekend is rapidly skyrocketing. "Rooms at the Luxor cost $339 and $359 over NFL-DDC weekend, while not cracking $300 any other night during the months of April, May or June," said Nolan. "Clearly, those not able to find lodgings near Chicago are sprinting toward the next best place to "participate" in the game.

While the official NFL-DDC fan poll being conducted at www.bubbatunes.blogspot.com has Stachowiak/Roush ahead 60%-40%, the early lines in Vegas favor Nolan and Ostrander on the 16th hole. "The oddsmakers clearly were not staying at the Milner Hotel in Detroit on Saturday night," said Nolan. "Thank God Mike [Ostrander] has a month to recover from that. Apple Bottom Jeans and please let God keep my partner's liver going through May."

Apple Bottom Jeans and Mike Has a Blog

2008-04-07T15:39:00.003-05:00

Here are the things I learned this weekend:

1. When brewing your own beer be sure to stop at Wendy's first.
2. When staying at the Milner Hotel in Detroit be sure not to drive a car or if you do make sure you say you are going to the opera.
3. Pitching a no-hitter into the sixth inning is not always impressive.
4. High schoolers are much better at Guitar Hero than anyone born before 1989 will ever be.
5. LaBatt Blue is the official beer of Paul and Sue.
6. Jilly and the Putz is a catchy song.
7. Bums use taco shells for wallets but cannot use shrimp as bluetooth headsets because they are too hungry.
8. Craps is a very complicated way to lose money.
9. The first two lines of Flo-Rida's "Low."
10. Apparently Greek cafes in Greek Town do not always think timing is important when serving food.
11. It is very easy to create your own lyrics to "Low."
12. Suit coats are not necessary at Detroit casinos.
13. Having teeth is not necessary at Detroit casinos.
14. Having bathed in the last month is not necessary to get into Detroit casinos.
15. Nolan looks exactly like Jack Black to legally blind Michiganders.
16. Australian GPS ladies do not say "mate" after giving you directions. (Also they do not say "crikey," "bloomin'," or "g'day.")
17. Casino security guards are very large serious men that do not like Butts (and for good reason.)
18. Apparently Shawnty wears Apple Bottom Jeans, Nolan wears a sport coat, and I am an asshole.
19. Cougars are real and they are scary.
20. Cougars' moms are just as real and even scarier.
21. The pictures in hotel rooms are not bolted to the wall.
22. Croatian men need to lock the dead bolt to surf the web.
23. Croation men need to surf the web in your hotel room.
24. This city was not only built on rock and roll but also Jesus.
25. Seven mile pedophiles go to Tigers games.
26. Trash cans are only good at containing vomit so long as they are not tipped over.
27. You can fold a twenty dollar bill and make it say "Tits of America, Glenn Beck is an asshole."

Boo Rain.

2008-03-31T18:10:00.002-05:00

Soggy but Sluggy Day: The Cards game has been postponed because of the rain. The good news is that after three innings the Cardinals line up looked pretty darn good and Wainwright, after a some what shakey first inning, looked good too.

Royal pain in the ass: The Royals beat the Tigers in extra innings. I sure hope the Detroit bullpen is not going to screw the Tigers.

HAPPY OPENING DAY!!

2008-03-31T09:49:00.002-05:00

I look around the law school and see half the students are wearing red so it must be opening day. Is there a greater day in the year? No.

This year, the two teams I pull for, the Cardinals and the Tigers, have opening day outlooks that are complete opposites of each other. Many of the the so-called experts have the Tigers in the World Series and the Cards in the cellar. I agree with the predictions when it comes to the Tigers but not with the Cardinals.

The Cardinals will take the field today understanding their underdog status and will play the season with a chip on their shoulder. Last year they had just won the World Series and were blindsided by health issues and the unfortunate death of Josh Hancock. The spent the whole year trying to stay afloat while they waited for their staff to get healthy, which never happened.

This year the Cardinals are coming off a losing season for the first time this century. The expectations seem to be low but the team is going to aim high. They have some fresh faces that will fight to stay in the bigs and some pop in the bat with Pujols, Glaus, Ankiel, and great arms in Wainwright, Lohse, Isringhausen, and soon Clement, Mulder, and Carpenter.

I know I may be dreaming but it is opening day at that is what it is all about today.

Gates open at 1:15 P.M.; Clydesdales at 2:30 P.M.; First Pitch at 3:15 P.M.

Erin Go Surfin'

2008-03-26T16:36:00.003-05:00

$10 says it started off as a bet. I don't know much about surfing. I only know Laird Hamilton from American Express ads, have not seen Endless Summer, the only wet suit I have worn had a tie and a broken umbrella was involved, and I thought the only boarding taking place on the Emerald Isle involved nuns at a Catholic grade school. I guess I was wrong.

When the going gets tough, the tough get....

2008-03-26T15:19:00.005-05:00

And now time for some propaganda: If you are a Michigan fan that has been living under a rock you may have missed this. For those Maize and Blue faithful that don't live under rocks, the news of Justin Boren leaving Michigan has already come across you desks. I, being the insider that brings all you readers to this blog everyday, have no information except for what has been report but here is what I think about it: Big F'ing Deal. If you don't want to play for Michigan you should not play for Michigan. Boren being gone is not going to cost us one game but him being there and thinking he should be somewhere else might.

Boren said that part of the reason why he is leaving is that he was not getting the support he needed from the new coaching staff. The coaches are not there to support you. They are there to tell you how much you suck and to give you pointers on how to suck less. Coaches are only allowed to tell you that you may not have actually sucked as much as they said you did after you have graduated. He also implied the mutual respect and family atmosphere that existed under Coach Carr is gone. How can someone earn respect when they quit after a couple of months of practice? Boren, Mitchell, Ciulla, Mallet, and any other player that decides to quit can go ahead and pack their bags without any sympathy from me.

Many of you out there are probably thinking I am a moron. Boren was the best offensive lineman we had and was the one with the most experience of course Michigan would be better off with him. If you think that then eat me because I don't care. I would reather have a full line that is all on the same page than having a line that is fractured because some of them would rather be somewhere else. Bo had a sign made when he came to Michigan in 1969 that said that "Those who stay will be Champions." Nobody expected that Michigan team to do anything that year especially with perhaps the most talented Ohio State team ever assembled waiting for them but in the end it the players that did stay were champions. The defied the odds, beat the Buckeyes and won the Big Ten.

This year people are saying that Michigan will be lucky to win 8 games and are not even ranked in many pre-season polls. To be sure this year's schedule is tough with games at Notre Dame, at Penn State, at Ohio State and back to back games against tough Wisconsin and Illinois teams early in the season but here is what I know, Michigan is going to be ready. If players think practice is tough now, just want until the two a days in the middle of the summer. Just wait until they actually have a decent understanding of the new system and are forced to push their physical and mental limits beyond what they thought possible. Losing to Appalacian State, Oregon, Wisconsin, and Ohio State (all but Wisconsin at home) should be motivation enough but with the new coaching staff everyone is also fighting for a job, fighting for a scholarship, and fighting to prove that they have what it takes to be the best. If someone is not willing to do what it takes, then I say the bus schedule is posted in the Union, goodbye. But that is just me and I am trying to avoid doing homework right now so what do I know?

Kwame in trouble.

2008-03-24T10:49:00.002-05:00

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080324/NEWS01/80324022

Spring Break is Over

2008-03-24T09:58:00.003-05:00

Since I am back in my normal routine I will start posting again this week. I am sorry I never posted last week. I had brillant ideas but had no time or motivation to actually post. Also I doubt the movie thing will ever really happen but we'll just have to wait to see.

Movie Mania

2008-03-13T12:05:00.002-05:00

Bubba Tunes will be hosting its first annual Movie Mania Tournament sometime this year. This competition will pit movies against each other until a champion is crowned Best Movie Ever. The movies will come from you the viewing public. Based on your suggestions (and my own) I will create a bracket for you the viewer to vote upon. The movie with the most votes will move forward while the losers will be honored just for being nominated. The opening round will be broken down into genres but once a champion of that genre is declared it will go head to head with other genre champions. Here are the categories:

Best Sports Movies
Best Futuristic/Outer Space Movies
Best Guy-Friendly Romance Movies
Best War Movies
Best Movies About Events That Took Place Before Wide-Spread Use of Electricity
Best Cop Movies
Best Cartoon/Computer Animated Movies
Best Biopic Movies
Best Comedy
Best Movies That Don't Fit Into Any Of These Genres

Let the submission process begin.

Kwame is Still King

2008-03-12T18:23:00.007-05:00

For background of this post please see this. (I am well aware Wikipedia is probably the least reliable source for anything but deal with it. If you want something better try the website of the Detroit New or Free Press--although rocks of journalistic integrity, they are not.)

Are you up-to-date? Okay Good.

Last night in the annual State of the City Address, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick concluded his speech with this: [Link to story and video.]

The challenge for all of us in public office is to rise above our differences -- to rise above our human frailties – and maintain our focus on working together to move this city forward. Ralph Waldo Emerson said big jobs usually go to the people who prove their ability to outgrow small ones.

President Cockrel, we have much more serious issues affecting the future of this city than whether we’re going to attend a speech. I love you [Cockrel] and I love what you've done for our city. At this moment in our history, we must turn to each other, and not on each other.

And finally tonight, and this may be the most talked about part of the speech after laying out all of that. But I feel that I cannot leave this auditorium with my wife and my sons sitting there without addressing this issue.In the past 30 days, I've been called a n----- more than any time in my entire life. In the past three days I have received more death threats than I have in my entire administration. I've heard these words before, but I've never heard people say them about my wife and children. I don't believe that a Nielsen rating is worth the life of my children or your children.This unethical, illegal lynch-mob mentality has to stop. And it's seriously time.

We've never been here before. And I don't care if they cut the TV off. We've never been in a situation like this before where you can say anything, do anything, have no facts, no research, no nothin and you can launch a hate-driven, bigoted assault on a family.

I humbly ask members of council. I humbly ask the business community. I humbly ask the religious community. I humbly ask the brothers and sisters of the city of Detroit. I humbly ask that we say no more together. I humbly ask that we say no more together.

I love this city with every part of my being and I will continue to stay focused on building the next Detroit. God bless you. Detroit, I love you.

Excuse me while I pick my jaw off the ground. I'm sorry but I don't think I have ever seen such a display of unfettered incongruousness in my entire life.

Let me start by saying that is is absolutely intolerable to send anyone death threats or racial slurs and that anyone that did so is not justified in any way. The people that are sending those e-mails should be tracked down and dealth with accordingly.

That being said COME ON KWAME! You are not the victim in this situation and there is absolutely no way to frame it where a reasonable person would characterize you as such.

Kilpatrick first speaks on the need to come together and stop fighting when he is the one that started the entire mess by having the stripper party at Manoonigan Mansion and then firing everyone that knew about it and would talk. I guess coming together also does not mean dodging city council review when it is time for your wife to get a new car or when you need to retain lawyers and decide to use public funds to pay for it.

Kwame spoke of needing to raise of above human frailities. I guess this doesn't include assaulting members of the press, stealing public funds, or sleeping around on your wife and family. No Kwame you are right, it is our fault to think you should be held to some kind of standard; what were we thinking.

And then the mayor had the audacity to say this: "We've never been in a situation like this before. Where you can say anything, do anything, have no facts, no research, no nothing and you can launch a hate-driven bigoted assault on a family."

You are right Mr. Mayor you are the first person that has ever had to deal with lies that someone completely made up and used to persecute someone. I guess the Salem witch trials, baseless accusations of African-Americans raping Southern women, Native American lead massacres, the McCarthy lead Red-Scare, and the like completely grounded in facts and were totally justified. (If you can't tell I am being sarcastic you should because I am laying it on pretty thick.) I love this country and am extremely proud of all the good that America has done, but you cannot possibly think that you are the first victim of hate or that this is unique to your situation.

Here's the rub though, Mr. Mayor: The people against you are not driven by hate and are not lying. According to at least two trial courts and at least two courts of appeals, the people that had "no facts," did "no research," and "no nothing[?]" were telling the truth, had done research, had gathered the facts, and did not have "nothing." These people were substantially rewarded to the tune of over $8 million. But what do the courts know? The city of Detroit is on the hook for this settlment even though it is completely your responsibility. I am shocked that you are still allowed in public buildings let alone allowed to literally run the city in its most powerful office.

You were right in your speech. The city does have more important things to do than deal with your shenanigans but they aren't doing that, are they. Instead they are being forced to handle the situation you have created and in the meantime the city continues to tread in increasingly choppy waters.

Okay I am almost done venting but before I leave let me say this: The media is not your enemy, you are. The sooner you realize that the better you will be. For some mystery you are an extremely popular mayor in the eyes of the average Detroit citizen. Instead of using this popularity to get important tasks accomplished (i.e. improving infrastructure, stomping out crime, improving city schools, etc.) you thought your popularity sheilded you from accountability. You thought, "everyone loves me so I can do whatever the hell I want." This mentality lead you to think having strippers in the mayor's mansion was okay, that it was okay if you used the city's money to pay for your wife's car, and that it was okay to cheat on your wife with your chief of staff. I mean what could possibly happen? You are loved by the city.

If you had just admitted to the party it would have gone away faster than you can say "Hugh Grant." The public is amazingly forgiving to people that admit to wrong doing. Just look at how differently Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, and Barry Bonds are being treated when compared to Andy Pettitte and Jose Conseco. It is not the initial wrong doing that pisses people off, it is the cover up. People understand single bad acts because most people have been in similar situations and can relate but they absolutely cannot stand being lied to. If you are honest with the people, most will accept it and move on.

This applies to the media as well. If Bill Clinton had just come out right away and admitted to the Lewinsky thing the media would have covered it for a little bit and then moved on to other news. If Nixon hadn't tried to cover up the Watergate break in, he probably still would have won the election in 1972 but would not have needed to resign in disgrace. Woodward, Bernstein, and Deep Throat became household names because of the cover up, not the break in. The break in would have been a story for a week or month tops and then the newspapers would have moved on to other things. The media loves to dig around and find dirt. If your dirt is already out for everyone to see they have nothing to report. Notice how quickly the Lewinsky thing was out of the news once Clinton admitted to everything.

Okay I am done but I want to know what you, the internet viewers, think. Post a comment and if I like you could win a prize.*

P.S. Michigan starts the Big Ten Tournament tomorrow. Automatic Bid or Bust!!

*Prize will not include anything that is tangible, valuable, real, or anything else.

Snip, Snip = March Madness

2008-03-10T16:17:00.003-05:00

Umm...I really want to watch all the games and get free pizza but I don't think this is the way to go about it...unless Michigan was somehow selected.

Wolverines Wow World

2008-03-10T14:46:00.004-05:00

This should not be a shock. With over 420,000 living alumni worldwide, Wolverines can be found in any region and all climates around the globe. Here is another story about a popular Wolverine in the news. Here is yet another popular Wolverine that can help you. I would go on but I should get back to reading Trust and Estates. Hooray law school!

PS. I beat the hell out of everyone bowling this weekend. This includes my better half who I had never beaten before but will now never lose to because I am in her head. VICTORY!

Dems Delegates Damned

2008-03-06T17:41:00.003-06:00

Even if you have been living under a rock you are aware that 2008 is an election year and unless the rock you have been living under was also living under another larger rock you also realize that while the Republican ticket has been decided the Democratic Party just can’t make up their mind between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. This week Clinton stopped Obama’s win streak by winning 3 out of 4 contests including the very important Texas and Ohio. Today the AP has a report out that neither Clinton nor Obama can mathematically win the nomination without the help of the so-called “super-delegates.” This means that Obama could win every remaining primary and still lose to Clinton if the super-delegates go her way. I am not a political scientist but this seems a little bit hinky to me. I also find it funny that the Democrats decided to punish Michigan and Florida but now that they matter Clinton is attempting to re-enfranchise the dis-enfranchised which, of course, will lead to counterclaims of re-disenfranchisement to those Floridians and Michiganders who didn’t vote in their primary because they knew their votes wouldn’t count. (Makes sense, huh.) The Republican Party, and John McCain in particular, on the other hand, is sitting back enjoying the show. While the Democrats will continue in-fighting all of the way to the DNC in Denver, McCain won the nomination in large part because of the many winner-take-all primaries employed by the Republicans and gets to raise money non-stop and start mounting a strategy against the eventual Democratic nominee. At the start of the year it was pretty much a given that the next president would be a Democrat but thanks to the Democrats themselves and their chosen primary system, this outcome is starting to get a little bit murky.

Look at that, I wrote about a political topic and you have no idea if I am a Republican or a Democrat.

New Blog Feature

2008-03-06T12:48:00.003-06:00

Yesterday marked the first ever "Bubba Tunes' Song of the Day." I thought that since this blog is named after a colloquialism for music there should be something somewhat music related in the blog. As many of you may or may not know, I am not exactly hip to the scene anymore—law school, married life, and Miley Cyrus have all made caring about popular music very difficult—so I am not really a source for cutting edge music news and opinion. Instead, I plan on telling you what song comes up first on my iPod that day. Yesterday I hit shuffle and “Love is Strong” by the Stones came up, today it was “Strapped for Cash” by Fountains of Wayne. While I cannot promise the most up-to-date selections, I can guarantee that all songs that make the list will come with the Bubba Tunes Stamp of Approval so you should feel comfortable purchasing the songs for your own listening pleasure. (I would have embedded links so you could actually listen to the songs on your computer but I am lame and don’t know how to do that.)

Giving “I got a birdie” a whole new meaning in golf: Apparently Florida frowns on golfers from shooting birdies on the golf course. I guess this was actually pretty bad since he actively and repeatedly went after the bird with his shots. Back in the day I once hit a goose in the head with an approach shot but I wasn’t aiming for the damn thing. This is almost as bad as trying to hit a squirrel with a football. If you ever did that you would be a real major league a-hole.

My wife will soon be on Westlaw

2008-03-05T13:15:00.004-06:00

Okay so I like to pretend I am a writer of sorts. I have this kick-ass blog and have written well over dozens of first chapters to great American novels but my wife has beat me to publication. She wrote a note for her law school's journal and it was selected for publication. I always thought that it would be me that would be published first but apparently to be published you must actually be a good writer. I will have to work on that. Seriously though congrats to my better half. When she gets her first book deal I plan to play a lot of golf.

And for all you Slapshot fans. Thanks to Eric Nystrom for the visuals (he actually did a very good reproduction of the original) and Brian from MGoBlog for the link.

Happy Trails, Brett!

2008-03-04T09:11:00.003-06:00

Adios to Brett Favre, who has announced his retirement from the NFL today. Favre packs it up after throwing 5,377 carrer completions in 8,758 attempts for 61,655 yards, 442 touchdowns and 288 interceptions. He also has a Super Bowl ring and a life time membership in the Green Bay Men's Auxillary Club. He is a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame but his legacy will be tarnished because he never beat me, my brother, and Kurt Warner in backyard football.

Has it been 19 years already?

2008-03-03T16:32:00.004-06:00

In case you have missed it, I give you Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. After this and Rambo all we need is a new Jaws movie and a Genesis reunion and it will be like the 1980s never left.

Shomer F'ing Shabbos!

2008-02-27T22:53:00.004-06:00

These kids need Walter Sobchak on the case. He'll show those f*cks at the CHSAA league office what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps. Hopefully they will be able to reschdule so that they can have a date Wednesday Baby!

I call BS.

2008-02-27T16:58:00.002-06:00

This is lame. I will forever boycott any and all Philadelphia MLS team events.

Nice try Jeff Cooper and SLSU. Hopefully the MLS will see the error of their ways and give the Lou a try in 2010...

P.S. Joel, it is not actually your fault. It's those f*cks in the league office.

SLU Slugs Slowly, Silently

2008-02-27T15:31:00.002-06:00

St. Louis destroys St. Louis: Okay so apparently SLU was did not bring their A-game today. But hey, if you take away the fourth inning the Bills only lost by three. Oh well I guess they can't all be epics like yesterday's Michigan/Mets nail bitter. There was some good to come from this game. Each player wore special Kirkwood baseball caps and autographed them. They have been put up for auction on the Cardinals website to raise money for Backstoppers and the families of the victims of the February 7th shooting in Kirkwood, Missouri. If you are looking to donate to a worthy cause I urge you to make a bid.

Say it ain't so Scott. Say it ain't so: In other Cardinals news, Scott Speizo, the troubled St. Louis outfielder is facing more trouble. Last year Speizo had to take a break during the season to enter rehab for substance abuse. Once he came out he said he had turned a corner but I guess he didn't turn far enough. He is facing six very serious charges in California after he allegedly crashed his car just after midnight on December 30th and then proceeded to physically attack his neighbor.

Wrigley Field by any other name would Suck as sweet: I propose we call it "Old Style Park." Don't get me wrong, I am a die hard Cardinals fan and there is not other team in the baseball world worse than the Cubs but come on. It's Wrigley F'ing Field. If the new owners actually have the stones to change the name of Wrigley I can all but guarantee the streets of the North Side will erupt in a drunken frenzy of violence and rioting...okay so I guess nothing would change.

The Mighty Metropolitans are no match for Big Blue

2008-02-26T17:17:00.002-06:00

It was an epic battle. The University of Michigan Wolverines were pitted against their arch rivals, the New York Mets in a baseball contest that will forever be rememberd as "The Tie Game." The New York Mets are the favorite to win the National League this year especially after their acquisition of Johann Santana (no relation to Carlos Santana) while the storied University of Michigan Wolverines are always regarded as the best team in whatever sport is being played. On this day the Pond Scum from Shea and the Shining Baseball Team on the Hill from the Fish met in Grapefruit play and what was supposed to be an exhibition turned into a two hour and forty-four minute war. Fifteen pitchers and thirty position players were used in this battle royale and each one is counting their blessings they were able to leave the game alive...

Okay it probably wasn't that great of a game but Michigan tying an MLB team, spring training or no, is worth blogging about.

Stay tuned because tomorrow SLU takes on the glorious and heroic St. Louis Cardinals...

A lot of people take seven years to agree to build a bridge...yeah they're called doctors.

2008-02-25T19:08:00.001-06:00

Okay that quote doesn't really fit but this is cool.

The Better Halves Weign In (part 2)

2008-02-25T09:21:00.001-06:00

BREAKING NEWS
Matt Nolan would like to remind the participants of the NFL DDC 2008 in Chicago that the event is being held in a "f***ing neighborhood, not a college town" and that only whispers will be tolerated while in the city.

In related news, Nina Tito will have a taste of her first NFL DDC experience. An exception was made to the previous wives only rule considering Shannon Wade was involved before being engaged, and though not a wife or fiance, Nina was granted special clearance privileges as a girlfriend of current co-champion Matt Nolan. Speaking of champions,when asked about their chances to repeat defending champion Michael Ostrander said he is worried about his tolerance during the weekend since he's dieting. "I get drunk faster and easier, but maybe weighing a few pounds less will allow me to out drive Jim by 30 more yards" says Ostrander.

Meanwhile, the women involved are wondering how an entire website has been devoted to the event. Shannon Wade reflects, "I remember when Michael said he got together and golfed with his friends once a year on the day of the NFL draft and I thought it was nice thing to do. Two years later he was making me ship out golf balls he had engraved especially for each team in the event and I realized there was a lot more too it." The girls are no longer taking a backseat to a weekend of ridiculous golf tales, myths, and trophies that were created by the recipients and affectionately named "Birdie". Pictures of the women having fun will be what gets displayed on our mantels now!

Warning: Bring your own Diet Coke.

The Better Halves Weigh In

2008-02-25T09:19:00.001-06:00

Ladies of the DDC Join In

Chicago (AP)--As plans for the 2008 NFL DDC are finalized, the wives of the players in this esteemed tournament are joining in the fun. All will be making the trip to Chicago in May to participate in the festivities, but they claim they will also be having some fun of their own.

Colleen Stachowiak said, "I've got my coasters and Windex packed and I'm ready to have some fun in Chicago! It's time the ladies planned some activities of their own". This will be Shannon Wade's first trip to the NFL DDC, though she has supported her fiance, Butts Ostrander, since they began dating. Elizabeth Roush is also looking forward to the DDC; this will be her second time making the trip to support her husband. She is rooting for the trophy, affectionately named "The Birdie", to make the trip back to St. Louis.

The ladies have released a tentative schedule for Saturday afternoon while the boys are playing. Among the list of possibilities are shopping in downtown Chicago and drinking at the bars near Wrigley.

Several celebrities have weighed in on the recent developments. The ladies at The View are thrilled that the DDC wives are taking control and planning their own activities. Elisabeth Hasselbeck says, "You go, girls!", while Barbara Walters said, " ...". Well, we're not sure what she said, but we think it had something to do with watching her Oscars special on ABC tonight. Finally, Hillary Rodham Clinton also made a comment during her speech this afternoon that she is "Glad to have inspired the ladies to stand up and lead."

Further reports of the ladies activities will follow as soon as they develop.