Chicago (AP): White House reporters sprinted from Capitol Hill to Chicago today, and it wasn't to cover Michelle Obama's latest coffee break. Still basking in the glow of his and Michael Ostrander's 2009 triumphant 6 and 4 victory at Cog Hill, Matt Nolan was to step up to the podium this morning, and when he did, he dropped an A-Bomb bigger than Hiroshima on the media and the sporting world.
"I got a new driver for Christmas," said Nolan, a knowing grin plastered on his face. "I know that B*tts and I have dominated the NFL-DDC the last few years with me using a driver made in the early 1990s that looks like a five-wood, but Big D*ck Nolan felt I should get a new driver this year anyway. Apologies for the 10 and 8 finish in advance."
The impending lack of competition has even given pause to some of the NFL-DDC's biggest sponsors. "I love the NFL-DDC, but while the Buffalo Bills were a great draw in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, by Super Bowl XXX America just wanted to see someone else," said Phil Knight. "We may scale back our ad buy to $5 or $6 million this year as a result of Nolan's new driver."
Others are apprehensive about the impact of the driver. "He's never used it, right? Will he even be able to make contact with the ball?" asked Jack Nicklaus. "It's not like he's the Golden Bear or anything."
Regardless of whether it helps or hurts, Nolan's gift is sure to put even more pressure than usual on Roush and Stachowiak, who, despite years of humiliation in NFL-DDC play, seem to get further and further from the title each year.
"B*tts and I are almost hoping to lose one of these soon to make it fun again," continued Nolan, before finishing with, "not that we think it's going to ever happen, now - good luck, guys."
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Nolan and Ostrander are awesome. What's the early line?
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