Injustice Continues

ST. LOUIS PROPAGANDA MACHINE IN FULL EFFECT; WARNING TO NFL-DDC FANS AND MEDIA

St. Louis (AP): In what is sure to be a trend in St. Louis' attempts to remain behind Cleveland in the World's Sh*tiest Cities ("WSC") rankings, the St. Louis hype machine this week took over the nation's airwaves and, using digitally enhanced footage, attempted to convince the viewing public that the St. Louis Cardinals had actually won three baseball games in a row against the Chicago Cubs. "If they're willing to do it for the Cubs/Cards, you know they'll try to convince the world that Roush/Stachowiak will have won the NFL-DDC," said Matt Nolan, co-three-time-defending-champion at the NFL-DDC with Mike Ostrander. "I mean, Chris Carpenter pitching five innings? Come on - what's next, Roush or Stachowiak actually shooting in the 80s? At least try to keep it believable, guys."

Fans and external media are warned not to take anything propogated by the St. Louis media as fact, and to keep an eye on the action themselves to confirm that, indeed, pigs aren't flying, and Nolan and Ostrander are once again holding the Birdie.

Traffic on I-55S and I-255W is already reported to be at unprecedented levels, and while some claim that may be tangentially related to the Memorial Day weekend, the "We Brake for Ostrander" bumper stickers are leading most to agree that it's NFL-DDC cars. The College Gameday Live crew, while slightly out of their element, have already set up in the parking lot at Pevely Farms, and that douche with the Wazzu flag is already there, too.

In a last-minute slew of endorsements, Dave Roush, Ram-Diesel, Paul Stachowiak, Big Dick, Lukas Ostrander, Thomas and Tommy, Jun Takayamaguchi, B-Dawggzz and Juggzzzz, That Chick With the Nasty Acne From the Green Lounge, Fritz Crisler's ghost, the guy who bites the bell pepper on the Iron Chef, Bornopos, LeBron James, Joey Harrington, the Dollar Guy, Hello Faz's ghost, the St. Louis Arch, Herky the Hawkeye, Brett Hull, Manny Legace, Lou Brock, Lee Elia, and Kristy Schmitt endorsed Nolan and Ostrander.

Oprah Winfrey and Hideki Tsutsumi endorsed Roush and Stachowiak. Oprah was not available for comment.

MISSING LINK FOSSIL TELLS MORE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT

New York (AP) – Just a day after being released to the public, Ida, the fossil that many paleontologists believe to be the “missing link” in human evolution is providing even more information about early human ancestors and possibly even foreshadowing future events. The AP has discovered this photo, taken onsite when the fossil was dug up.

Although it doesn’t say much about early human sign making skills or creativity, it does show that Mike Roush and Jim Stachowiak have been the DDC’s biggest stars for roughly 47 million years. “It is believed that the scientists who discovered Ida were Nolan and Ostrander fans and didn’t want the rest of Nolan Ostrander Nation to be devastated by the news that Mike and Jim’s popularity reaches back that far” says Jim Litke, the reporter who uncovered these photos. “Although, with the economy hurting, Ida’s foreshadowing of the outcome of this year’s DDC may also have had some involvement in the covering up of these photos.” Regardless, the revelation that early humans were huge Roush Stachowiak fans is expected to give Mike and Jim a big boost heading into this weekend’s competition.

DDC ENDORSEMENTS SURPRISE EXPERTS

SILCON VALLEY, CA (Reuters) -- In a major coup, the world famous blog, Fairly Accurately Rated, has endorsed Team Roush/Stachowiak in the 2009 NFL DDC. A post early this morning praised the team’s effort and resilience despite poor results for the past three years, “While they may not have brought the Birdie home recently, they have stuck to it and fought hard. With the tournament being held in St. Louis, we here at F.A.R. have a good feeling about their chances. Go Jim and Mike!”

The post was removed quickly under mysterious circumstances and hacking may be to blame for the shocking endorsement. On a condition of anonymity a source at F.A.R. had this to say, “F*** those guys. They will not win this golf tournament.”

Today has marked a significant increase in public figures endorsing the teams. Here they are:

Roush/Stachowiak:

Rich Rodriguez, Lloyd Carr, the Family of Bo Schembechler, the Pope, Barack Obama, Jud Heathcote, The estates of Adolf Hitler, Woody Hayes, and Sadaam Hussein, the ghosts of Pontius Pilate and Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Bento Mussolini, The Iron Sheik, King King Bundy, Sid, and The Powers of Pain.

Nolan/Ostrander

Dave Bing, Jim Tressel, Mark Dantonio, Gargamel, the Shredder, Kang, Skeletor, the forces of Cobra, Lex Luthor, The Joker, Bernie Madoff, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Mullah Omar, and the H1N1 virus.

Vice President Joe Biden has thrown his support behind Ben Hogan winning the tournament even though Mr. Hogan has been dead for 12 years.

As the tournament gets closer further endorsements are bound to become public and it is hoped that law enforcement officials from around the world will be there to arrest, capture, or kill most of those making endorsements.

NIKE ANNOUNCES CONTINUED PARTNERSHIP WITH NFL DDC

Beaverton, OR (AP) – With just under three weeks remaining until the NFL DDC golf tournament in St. Louis, MO, sporting goods giant Nike has announced that the company will continue providing golf balls for the legendary event. Like years past, Nike does not hold exclusivity rights for all golf balls used in the tournament; however, a stipulation in the contract guarantees that all putts must be made using the official NFL DDC golf ball designed by Nike. Failure to use the agreed upon ball is said to result in a penalty, however, the NFL DDC competitors seem to be at odds over the severity of the penalty. DDC legend and 3-time defending champion Matt Nolan suggests that the rule is clear. “Two stroke penalty. That’s the rule. Also, I thought it was funny to say two stroke.” Perennial DDC runner-up, Mike Roush laments the rule, claiming, “If Jim Stachowiak misses a putt using a Srixon, Titlest, or Slazenger, why does it matter what ball he is using? Isn’t my partner’s bad putting penalty enough for our team?” Like much of the rules following the tournament, the use of the Nike ball for putting seems to be steeped in tradition, more than reality. According to lovable loser Jim Stachowiak, “I like the rule. I think it is classic.” When asked to what rule he was referring, and to define the particulars of the rule, Stachowiak responded, “All of them. All of the rules are classic. It’s the NFL DDC, baby! It’s a tradition unlike any other. That’s the rule.” As the date of the tournament approaches, speculation continues to swirl regarding illegal pre-tournament play on the official golf course, Pevely Farms. DDC champion Michael Ostrander touched on the topic, saying, “I’m sure that Jim and Mike have played the course. In fact, I hope they have. We could be playing on a course designed by Jim, with remote control balls operated by Mike, and Team Nolan/Ostrander would still win The Birdie.” With all players firmly into their pre-tournament routine, the excitement is sure to heat up in the next couple of weeks. Speaking on behalf of Nike, CEO Mark Parker wished all of the competitors good luck, saying, “Nike is pleased to continue our partnership with the NFL DDC. This year, we look forward to the elimination of bush-league tactics, such as the use of Karma, and encourage the players to get their Mojo working in an effort to win the prestigious trophy, The Birdie.” As Parker was leaving, he was seen placing a bet on Nolan/Ostrander to win the NFL DDC for a record 4^th consecutive year.