ST. LOUIS PROPAGANDA MACHINE IN FULL EFFECT; WARNING TO NFL-DDC FANS AND MEDIA

St. Louis (AP): In what is sure to be a trend in St. Louis' attempts to remain behind Cleveland in the World's Sh*tiest Cities ("WSC") rankings, the St. Louis hype machine this week took over the nation's airwaves and, using digitally enhanced footage, attempted to convince the viewing public that the St. Louis Cardinals had actually won three baseball games in a row against the Chicago Cubs. "If they're willing to do it for the Cubs/Cards, you know they'll try to convince the world that Roush/Stachowiak will have won the NFL-DDC," said Matt Nolan, co-three-time-defending-champion at the NFL-DDC with Mike Ostrander. "I mean, Chris Carpenter pitching five innings? Come on - what's next, Roush or Stachowiak actually shooting in the 80s? At least try to keep it believable, guys."

Fans and external media are warned not to take anything propogated by the St. Louis media as fact, and to keep an eye on the action themselves to confirm that, indeed, pigs aren't flying, and Nolan and Ostrander are once again holding the Birdie.

Traffic on I-55S and I-255W is already reported to be at unprecedented levels, and while some claim that may be tangentially related to the Memorial Day weekend, the "We Brake for Ostrander" bumper stickers are leading most to agree that it's NFL-DDC cars. The College Gameday Live crew, while slightly out of their element, have already set up in the parking lot at Pevely Farms, and that douche with the Wazzu flag is already there, too.

In a last-minute slew of endorsements, Dave Roush, Ram-Diesel, Paul Stachowiak, Big Dick, Lukas Ostrander, Thomas and Tommy, Jun Takayamaguchi, B-Dawggzz and Juggzzzz, That Chick With the Nasty Acne From the Green Lounge, Fritz Crisler's ghost, the guy who bites the bell pepper on the Iron Chef, Bornopos, LeBron James, Joey Harrington, the Dollar Guy, Hello Faz's ghost, the St. Louis Arch, Herky the Hawkeye, Brett Hull, Manny Legace, Lou Brock, Lee Elia, and Kristy Schmitt endorsed Nolan and Ostrander.

Oprah Winfrey and Hideki Tsutsumi endorsed Roush and Stachowiak. Oprah was not available for comment.