Posting is tougher than it looks.

So I haven't posted in forever and really you shouldn't consider this a post as all I am doing is giving you notice that I probably won't be posting much until after exams. I know you need your entertainment but I need to fill my brain with a semester's worth of legal knowledge and then vomit it back in a few exams. In the meantime, entertain yourself with the new poll, the new Bubbatunes song of the day, and with Thanksgiving. Enjoy and see you soon.

We Jobbed Ourselves

Well I have let it go long enough. If you haven't been able to tell by now the University of Michigan football team has been going through a bit of a rough patch. So far this year we have lost to Utah, Notre Dame, Illinois, and Toledo. We could have beat Utah, we should have beaten Notre Dame, we had no chance against Illinois, and we completely blew it against Toledo. Now my wife has told her friends that as far as she can tell a Michigan fan will never tell you that they lost a football game. Instead, she says, a Michigan fan will always say that they were "jobbed." Until this year this has been true.

In over 125 years of Michigan football, we have never lost a game but have been jobbed hundreds of times. This year though we have went from getting jobbed to getting beat...by ourselves. Michigan's record this year is 2-4. That is two wins and four "should have won but we beat ourselves, the other team had nothing to do with it."

The first loss was to Utah and was the first game of the year in a new system, with a new coach, with pretty much completely new players. Had it not been for opening game jitters (and an extremely luck 53 yard field goal) we would have won that game handily.

The second loss was at Notre Dame where we should have won but we turned the ball over at least 7,592 times and Notre Dame cheated.

The third loss was against Illinois. Juice Williams had record stats but let's be honest, shall we? Michigan beat themselves by not building a time machine, going back to 1998 and convincing a young Juice Williams to focus on baseball.

The fourth loss was against Toledo and it was obvious from the start that Michigan was just nervous against playing the powerful Rocket team and made a bunch of mental mistakes. Had they locked it up they would have won. (They only allowed Toledo's offense score 6 points.)

So as you can see Michigan record of never getting beat by the other team is still intact. Looking ahead the Michigan schedule looks promising:

at Penn State (cakewalk)
Michigan State (bow down little brother)
at Purdue ("Boiler Up?" More like " Boiler down!")
at Minnesota (Brown Jug stays put. Period.)
Northwestern (This might be a tester.)
at Ohio State (tOSU can go to hell.)

In other news, read this article for an extremely in-depth and intriguing look at America's food supply and potential problems that will face the country in the very near future.

Also read this article because some things just never get old.

Will Wife Play in Peoria? Judge Thinks So.

Everyone stand and give a hearty ovation to my wife who just accepted a judicial clerkship position for a federal judge in Peoria, Illinois. Yey! Yey! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! We will not be unemployed and destitute this time next year! Seriously, it is a great position in a great town that may be dangerously close to Cubs territory but closer to St. Louis so I can still get my Cardinals fix in whenever I want. (Plus it may even get the Big Ten Network so I can watch Michigan crap until the cows come home.)

Since the wife has a job, now I have find one, so if you are in Peoria and need to hire a brilliant and accomplished lawyer then I am your man. Now I can just sit back and wait for the offers to come rolling in....

And now your funny video lifted from somewhere else for the day:

Video Overload!!!! (Post Wisconsin Victory Edition)

So a couple of things until you get lost in the fabulous world of viral videos:
1. Michigan had the worst half of football ever played but rallied back from a 19-0 deficit to beat Wisconsin. Go us!
2. Baseball is officially over for the Cardinals. Boo.
3. Scott Linehan has been fired. Great now fire everyone else in the organization and we may start to get somewhere.
4. Posting once a week is lame, I know, but at least it is better than what is happening over at but awesome takes practice. (Quantity-wise, not quality-wise.)
5. The lizard video only makes since if you realize that the audio came from someone that was in a closet and drunk or high at the time. His friend then put the audio track to computer animation.
6. The history lesson is surprising accurate as far as the actual facts go but in reality Alexander Hamilton was not as pure as Michael Cera makes him out to be. The real Hamilton had an affair with Maria Reynolds and her husband blackmailed Hamilton. This affair is partially what prompted the duel with Aaron Burr but I will leave you to research that yourself.
7. Bubba Tunes does not condone the over consumption of alcohol or the taking of illegal drugs.

See more Michael Cera videos at Funny or Die

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Random Thoughts

Here is a collection of random points that could each be their own post but I have been lazy as far as blogging is concerned so I am taking the lame way out and doing it bullet point style.

1. The computer animated The Incredibles is totally and completely a copy of the classic "graphic novel" Watchmen. I know that Watchmen came out in in 1985 and I am way behind the boat on this one but I just read it for the first time this weekend and realized that The Incredibles, while still very good, is a dumbed down, Disney-ification, kiddie version of Watchmen.

2. As a partial owner of AIG I expect the checks to start flowing into my mailbox any moment....any moment...

3. Damn Notre Dame. Damn fumbles. Damn Damning Damn.

4. It is officially fall and it is still 82 degrees out. Now we had a very mild summer and for that I am thankful but we are 4 games into the college football season and I am still wearing shorts. What the hell gives? I know global warming and El Nino are probably the culprits but I checked the blogs and apparently the higher temperatures for this time of year have been caused by Rich Rodriguez. If you go to any WVU website the comments all indicate that Coach Rod is the devil and as such he must have left the door to hell open and letting all the heat into our world.

5. Damn that Notre Dame. Damn gift touchdowns. Damn Dammers.

6. So the new fall seasons are starting on television so I am really getting amped up for my two favorite shows, 24 and Lost...What's that?...They don't start until January?.....mother fu....moving on.

7. Damn Cubs. Damn Carey Buck Bottle. Damn Nolan. One time! I want to win that damn stupid trophy once! Damn it. Damn Damn Damn.

8. So take a look at this:

and then, of course,

(This is where I would post a picture of me and my wife but due to international copyright laws and the fact that I don't know all of you people reading this thing I am not going to put it up.) So what do Mike Comrie, Tom Brady, and I all have in common? We all went to the University of Michigan at the same time, we are all winners, and we all have some pretty nice looking babes on our side. This is where the comparisons end unfortunately as they both have looks and pretty lucrative jobs themselves.

9. I am taking the following classes this semester: State and Local Government, Real Estate Transactions, Environmental Law, American Legal History, Business Associations, and I am doing some directed research for a professor. Here are the classes I have on Thursday: State and Local Government, Real Estate Transactions, Environmental Law, American Legal History, Business Associations and I am doing some directed research for a professor. Here are my classes on Friday: _______.

10. Ryder Cup = Ours. As someone once said, "This is America and that is Kentucky and I will be damned if we are going to lose to a group of European nancies in Kentucky!" (That some one was me.)

11. Damn Notre Dame bastards. Damn Damn Damn.

New Look Bubba Tunes

Yeah, so I changed the look of this, the most read ever, blog.

I don't know how to really create my own look so I just used a template the good folks at Blogger had already created. I like the look better over all but I am mad that the Michigan countdown doesn't really fit all that well in any of the templates. Oh well, you can see the opponent and the clock and that is all you really need anyway.

In other news there are reports that Lance Armstrong is going to be making a come back and compete in a few tournaments including the 2009 Tour de France. If these reports are correct Luke is probably already in France staking out his spot on the Alpe d'Huez. Livestrong Luke, Livestrong. If the reports are not correct then put the gun down Luke, put the gun down.

10 Years + 70 Home Runs = Question Mark?

How about that for a title of a post? It is full of symbolism and randomness yet still makes a point. A very stale and transparent point but a point none the less.

It's been ten years:



The problem is it has only been a little over three years since this:



As a long time Cardinals fan and an even bigger baseball fan I can remember Mark McGwire's 62nd home run and the rest of the summer of 1998 vividly. On September 8, 1998 I was driving home from working as a bagger at a local grocery store. Mike Shannon and Jack Buck were on KMOX describing the Cardinals-Cubs game and I was probably breaking every state and local traffic law trying to get home in time to get in front of a television. I flew into the driveway, left my car out, ran into the house, flipped on the kitchen television, and as soon as the screen turned on McGwire hit number 62. It was a moment I will never forget.

Fast forward a little less then seven years to St. Patrick's Day 2005. I was on lunch break from work and decided to eat at a local barbecue place that had televisions on the wall. Usually the televisions had some baseball game on but this day they were all tuned to C-SPAN for the Congressional hearings on steroid use in baseball. At the center of it all was Mark McGwire. Sure others were there giving testimony, Rafael Palmareo, Curt Shilling, Jose Canseco, and others, but it was McGwire everyone would be talking about later. Up until that time nobody would admit that there was something wrong with the summer of 1998. It had, after all, brought baseball back to life after the devastating impact of the 1994 strike but after McGwire dodged question after question the blinders everyone had so willingly put on themselves were finally removed. When McGwire said "I'm not here to talk about the past" the past was forever changed. We were all hoping McGwire would lay things to rest once and for all and just say, "I know that bastard Sammy Sosa was on the juice but I never touched the stuff. Jose Canseco can rot in hell. Damn his lies. Damn his lies to hell. To Hell with him and his damned lies that I damned to hell just a second earlier." But he didn't and we all knew the truth.

Time, they say, heals all wounds but it appears Mr. McGwire still has some waiting to do. When he retired after the 2001 season everyone knew he was going to be a first ballot Hall of Famer. He had the single season home run record and was fifth on the all time list. Add in a World Series ring and even a Gold Glove it was a no doubter. But after being eligible for two years now, McGwire has not even sniffed the 75% of the vote to reach Cooperstown. People have decided to punish McGwire for alleged crimes against baseball purity.

This topic has been written about by countless numbers of people and I by no means consider my opinion higher than anyone else's but I think it is time we move on. Baseball has instituted testing and it seems to be effective. The power numbers that were every where during the "Steroid Era" have dramatically decreased and people are showing up in droves to ballparks across the nation (outside of Miami.) Mark McGwire has moved on with his life. He is quietly enjoying retirement, playing a lot of golf, raising two young children with his wife of seven years, and staying out of the public eye. I say put McGwire in the Hall, keep all performance enhancing drugs out of baseball, and really appreciate the things that truly are remarkable.

Detroit's Long Municipal Nightmare is Over

Kwame, Kwame, Kwame. Let this be a lesson for you. If you become the mayor of a city it is a bad idea to have strippers over to the mayoral mansion, fire persons with knowledge of that party, get sued by those people, come to a $8.4 million settlement with those people, saddle the city with paying for that settlement without fully disclosing the fact, use city credit cards like you are playing Monopoly, sleep with your chief of staff, lie about sleeping with your chief of staff, use a city cell phone to send explicit text messages to your chief of staff/lover, hold a funeral for a racial slur then resurrect said racial slur in the state of the city address, and then assault people trying to serve court orders.

Here is how a mayor should act:


(I know this was when she was governor but I just had to post it. )

Now that Kwame has officially turned in his letter of resignation let just remind you of something another famous Michigander once said:

...Thomas Jefferson said the people are the only sure reliance for the
preservation of our liberty. And down the years, Abraham Lincoln renewed this
American article of faith asking, "Is there any better way or equal hope in the
world?"

Even though this is late in an election year, there is no way we can go
forward except together and no way anybody can win except by serving the
people's urgent needs. We cannot stand still or slip backwards. We must go
forward now together....

I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together, not only
our Government but civilization itself. That bond, though strained, is unbroken
at home and abroad.

In all my public and private acts as your President, I expect to follow
my instincts of openness and candor with full confidence that honesty is always
the best policy in the end.

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.

Give it up for Gerald Ford ladies and gentlemen.

What's the worst that could happen...oh, that's bad...

After watching Michigan get owned this weekend I decided I needed some cheering up. There was an article on CNN.com about a Michigan State student that rapped about the new particle accelerator that is being built in France and Switzerland. In the rap she explains very complicated sub-atomic physics in a simple and fun way. (A side note: I am as impressed as everyone else that Michigan State students are smart enough to do anything but keg stands and burn couches.) Here is the video:



Fun video right? Is your brain hurting yet? If you didn't quite get the lingo the Cern Large Hadron Collider is being built so scientifically minded folks can try to figure out crazy ass shit. If all goes well the collider will provide insights about anti-matter, the creation of the universe, the existence of other dimensions, and all sorts of other sci-fi type stuff. Sounds great right? Well there may be a problem. The experiments may create a new black hole every second.

Now Stephen Hawkings and others says that the experiments probably won't create black holes and even if they do the black holes will be so incredibly tiny they won't do any damage. Apparently any black hole that is created will be traveling at such a fast speed that it will fly right off the planet and off into space. If any black holes were somehow trapped on Earth, they would be so incredibly small they would only "eat" one proton every 100 hours and could pass through a block of iron that stretched from here to the moon without touching it. (Weird huh?)

I don't know about this though. I know companies do a cost-benefit calculation where they set an acceptable level of deaths caused by their product but in those cases they deal with relatively small numbers of deaths. Here, the smallest number of deaths associated with the creation of an unexpectedly large black hole would be...carry the one...cross multiple and divide...um...every living thing and planet in the solar system. Given the large possible "cost" I don't know if any benefit would be worth it. Beside remember what happened the last time man messed with black holes?



The Lifeboat Foundation, one of the critics of the new collider, has created a program to investigate and hopefully stop a particle accelerator from destroying, well, everything but that is not the only thing on their agenda. Aside from particle acceleration issues, the Lifeboat Foundation has projects aimed at preventing or defending against such annoyances as rouge asteroids, nanobot infestations, attacks from artificial intelligence, radical climate change, Internet destruction, nuclear holocaust, and alien invasion. Some of their projects actually seem pretty reasonable while others, not so much. Their plan for alien invasion? Diplomacy. What a bunch of liberal wienies. They conclude that any alien species that has the ability to travel across space must have the technology to kick our ass so all we can do is talk to them and hope they like us. I say when the aliens invade the time for diplomacy is over and we need to nuke 'em and we need to nuke 'em now. Let's send Sarah Palin with her bull moose rifle up to the mother ship and she'll take care of business. The aliens will rue the day they messed with humans and Alaskan vice presidential candidates.

The Real 2008 College Football (ahem, Michigan) Preview

Here is the thing about Michigan right now, I don't know anything. I will predict 9 wins but I really have no idea about what to expect. In the past Michigan had a reputation of being very secretive. Carr would not allow media access to practice, would restrict players from press conferences, and would generally not tell you anything about anything. The doors to outsiders that were closed by Carr were opened immediately by Rich Rodriguez when he took over. He lets cameras and reporter watch various practice sessions, regularly speaks to the media, and has been extremely accommodating to all comers. That being said he hasn't told anyone anything about anything. Nobody, from ESPN down to Bubba Tunes, has any real idea about what type of team will take the field on Saturday against Utah. We know Rodriguez has used a spread offense and is likely to use that this year but we don't really know what that will look like with the players he has. It will probably be pass oriented but with four running backs with a legitimate chance to each receive over 100 touches a piece, it could be all about the run.

Damn it. I ran out of time before class so further expansion and analysis of the defense and special teams has become impossible. For your reading pleasure, however, here are some quick and rough predictions:
-Nick Sheridan will start the first four games, lose his spot, and then win it back and start in the last six games.
-Michigan, shades of 1969, will beat Ohio State this year.
-Wisconsin will not be as good as people think they are.
-Heisman will go to Chase Daniel.
-Michigan wins the Capital One Bowl for the second time in a row.

We Got a Real Hum-Dinger Here

Well it is that time of the year once again. The days are growing shorter (grow shorter? can that even happen?), the air is getting crisper (again, how can a gas take on the physical property of "crispness?"), and the campuses across the nation are welcoming back their students (and by this I mean they have start cashing the tuition checks.) Every fall Bubba Tunes is proud to present the most in depth and comprehensive coverage of college football...if by in depth you mean "barely scratching the surface" and by comprehensive you mean "totally focusing on Michigan and poorly at that." So without further ado, here is the BUBBA TUNES 2008 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW...

The two teams on top of the polls this preseason are Ohio State and Georgia. Both teams had decent years last year. OSU played in the National Championship game and lost while Georgia felt they should have played for the National Championship but didn't so they beat up on a Hawaii team that had absolutely no business playing in the BCS. The media saw these two performances and immediately thought these are the two best teams in the Nation and should be so designated officially. Meanwhile in the rest of the country people yawned. USC ended the year last year trouncing an Illinois team, while defying all expectations, that could not come close to measuring up to the Trojans. USC was rewarded for their effort by being ranked 2 and 3 in the coaches and AP polls respectively. All three teams are returned a lot of starters from last year and have recruited well so there is some justification for their high rankings to start the season but it seems to me the media is focusing too much on last year and not on the facts on the ground today.

If one were to be completely objective and look at all 119(?) I-A (that's what my daddy called it so that is what I call it) division football there could only be one logical and undeniable conclusion as to who the number one ranked team should be this year: The University of Michigan. I know, I know. You are all laughing and think that I am delusional but in the famous words of Lee Corso, not so fast my friends. Michigan should be ranked for one reason and one reason only: Mike Barwis.

If you are unfamiliar with Mike Barwis then you should be destroyed as he is familiar with you and can, and will, take you down. Mike Barwis, unlike Chuck Norris, actually does have tears that cure cancer but doesn't need to cry because he can just beat the cancer into remission. This is Mike Barwis:

Mike Barwis once killed himself a whole division of the Soviet Union's secret genetically engineered super-soldiers, brought them back to life again, taught them how to optimize their potential in the weight room, introduced them to democracy, and eventually turned them into Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor.

Mike Barwis drafted the original Declaration of Independence in the spring of 1764.

In, the under card bout at Habitat for Humanity charity boxing event event, Mike Barwis boxed Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield, former Presidents Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, and former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher all at the same time. Barwis knocked them all out 30 seconds into the first round he built 75 Habitat Houses in 25 urban centers across America all before the main event started. (Incidentally, the main event was Godzilla versus Charles Barkley versus the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles versus the Cheetah Girls with the Cheetah Girls winning by TKO in the 14th round.)

Mike Barwis relies on two principles: 1. Mike Barwis; and 2. Mike F'ing Barwis.

So given all of this, Michigan's ranking as the nation's top program is a given.

Talk About Sausagefest

Okay since I last posted the follow events have taken place:
1. The Olympics started in China with an opening ceremony that news agencies report was anything ranging from "glorious" to "God-like." After people found out computer generated fireworks were used and an cute girl pulled a Milli Vanili these same news agencies downgraded the opening ceremony to "amazingly awesome" and "totally better than anything the West could ever dream possible...capitalist swine."
2. Bernie Mac died from complications associated with pneumonia.
3. Russia invaded and bombed the shit out of Georgia. People all over Atlanta started building fire breaks and sighing "not again" before they realized it was Georgia the country, not Georgia the state.
4. Michael Phelps won the gold 8 times. When asked about his record setting performance, Phelps said, "Okay, I guess it is cool but have you seen how much weight Terrance Taylor lost? Freaking amazing man. Watch out for those Wolverines. Watch the hell out."
5. A bunch of other stuff I don't remember or don't feel like writing about.

What I really wanted to bring your attention to is this. If you are like me and just will not click on hyperlinks in suspect blogs, here's the skinny: The mayor of Mount Isa, a mining town in Northwest Australia, is under fire because he said ugly women should move to the town and find a mate. Mount Isa has a population of 25,000 and the male to female ratio is five to one and the mayor hoped inviting Australian female Quasimodos would help balance things out. Mayor John Maloney said that Mount Isa was a place for"ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and that the "beauty disadvantaged" would be a welcome addition to the town. After his comments were published in a newspaper people got pissed and yelled at him.

I don't see a problem with sending all of the ugly people of the world to Australia. The country started as a penal colony and can now be used as a ugly bastard colony. This would greatly improve the quality of life for people like me that are incredibly good looking (a.k.a. Zoolanderesque). I say send the people who fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down to Australia and let me go to the mall and not have to see them waiting in line at Auntie Anne's or buying clothes that are just too stylish for their ugly faces at H & M. Think of all the health care dollars wasted on ugly people. (We all know beautiful people don't need the hospital, they just look in a mirror and are cured.) If we didn't have to spend our tax dollars on the sick people we could spend them on hair care products and screen print t-shirts that accentuate my perfect triceps.

I know a lot of you ugly people are getting offended right now but come on, you're ugly so why the hell should I care? For the non-ugly readers out there, if you have any other groups of people you would like to send to Australia post a comment.

Summer = Lame Posts

Okay so I am not the best summer blogger in the world. If it makes you feel any better I spent the weekend in Los Angeles throwing up none stop for about 9 hours and then having to fly 6 hours home the next day. I have not wanted to eat since. For your further entertainment here is some newly discovered (by me) music:



Also, college football is gearing up and school starts before the fortnight is through so expect more posts and more quality. Until then, Go Cards and Screw the Cubs.

Tiger Stadium Needs You

Click here or lose Tiger Stadium forever. Out of all the burnt-out shells of buildings that litter the city of Detroit, why the city council is going through with the demolition of Tiger Stadium is beyond me. I recently stayed in downtown Detroit and there is nothing to do except gamble, watch sports, and hump lamp posts. Tiger Stadium is a much needed tourist attraction that the city cannot bear to lose. Obviously it isn't creating a lot of revenue by just sitting there vacant but neither is an empty lot that will take its place. The good people at the Tiger Stadium Conservancy project have plans put together that will create a park that keep the historic legacy of the ballpark alive, create revenue for the city, and more importantly, create new memories for future generations.

Is it just me or has this blog gotten too preachy? Maybe I should do a salute to the David James Elliot and Catherine Bell joint, "JAG" sometime in the near future.

John McClane for President.

Another video I stole from my brother:

Schlafly is the new black.

I know you have all been waiting for my take on the whole InBev/AB thing. Well, I don't plan on dignifying it with a response. What I will do is tell you about the fantastic beer made by The Saint Louis Brewery, Schlafly. Schlafly is a locally crafted beer that goes down smooth and does not sacrifice anything on taste. With two breweries in the St. Louis area and over a dozen brands, The St. Louis Brewery is the largest American-owned brewery in the St. Louis area. My personal favorite is Schlafly Pale Ale but the wife loves her some Schlafly Hefeweizen.

In other news: Michigan has some new duds.

Cool huh? The adidas logo will take some getting used to but I like 'em. I especially like the nod to Bo with the "Those who stay will be champions" sewn into the collar and the hidden Big Ten Championships on the shoulders.

Dance...(you know, like that weird song from the late 1990s tells you to.)

My brother sent me this video today saying it was the coolest video he has ever seen and that he was extremely jealous of the dude in them. Since my brother has seen literally 6.7 trillion videos and hasn't been jealous of any man since his eyebrows came in strong back in the late 1990s, this was a video I had to watch. As it turned out my brother was correct. Here is the video:



I know this guy has been around the internets for years now but I just caught on today (just like I just caught on five seconds ago that I did not coin the term "internets.") His name is Matt Harding and quit his job as a video game programmer a few years ago and decided to travel the world. That is awesome. I have spent over twenty years of my life in school and I bet that Matt learned more in five trips than I have my entire life. I am going to be a lawyer and will be chained to a desk or courtroom 60 hours a week or more for the rest of my life and will never get to a even an twelfth of the places in that video. Don't get me wrong I am living a very happy life and what not but who wouldn't want to dance with a tribe of New Guineas and then go to the Korean DMZ dance there and have the North Koreans think the West has gone completely insane. It's just really cool is all.

Hey InBev, Suck My InButt.

So the Board at AB stood up to those lousy Belgian bastards and said "Hell no, we won't sell." This, of course, is just a first step along a long and rocky path. InBev has already started the hostile take over process in that they are suing AB in DC (you like all the initials?) to clarify the power of shareholders to dismiss AB Board members. Until AB is free and clear from this aggression from across the pond keep buying that Budweiser. (Ironically enough, I finished my Bud yesterday and am sitting here with a cold, crisp, and fresh "Go Blue Brew" in my hands.)

Now that I have discussed the beer related issues of the day I can move on to other things. As you may have noticed I have not been posting a lot lately. This is mostly because in the summer time my mind is focused on work, not sweating, and baseball. Since these three things take up the entire day I don't have much time for blogging. (This is a total lie but I am going for it.) But since I am using them as excuses I may as well write about them.

Work: I am working at a legal clinic this summer. I represent those people that could not afford legal representation normally because of economic and social constraints. (Yay, I get to play the role of a bleeding heart for a while.) It is very enlightening work and it really is getting me some great experience. An added plus is that I don't get paid so...okay...well...I do get free parking downtown....wait....no I don't....um...I'll get back to you...but it really is fun.

Not Sweating: Now that it is summer, I open the door in the morning, wearing a suit and tie I walk to my car, and before I reach my car, I have already sweat all the way through my shirt. I get in the car, crank the AC, and finally get cooled down about a block away from work. I then park the car, walk more blocks to my office, and greet my secretary looking like Steve Prefontaine after a quick 10k. Going to the office looking like a contestant from "Wipeout" is one thing but making an appearance in court is quite another. I don't think judges get the right idea about a lawyer when they are sweating profusely. I have noticed most of the judges lately have been handing down the maximum legal punishments to my clients.

Baseball: The Cardinals are over-achieving according to the national media. According to Bubba Tunes, however, they are under-achieving. The Cubs should never, ever be ahead of the Cardinals in the standings. I don't care if the Cubs are undefeated halfway through the season, there is no excuse. Luckily our mash unit of a ball club has been playing their tails off and been getting some good results but after being swept at home by the Royals and then losing two of three to the Tigers, the ol' Red Birds need to get some wins under their belt.

I have finished two fine Buttsweiser products and have become sleepy for some reason. Dammit Lukas! You spiked these, didn't you? I have lost all ability to concentrate....must watch TV...must stop writing...beer power taking over...have to order nachos....NACHOS!

Michael and Shannon become one collective Butts.

I will be traveling to Pure Michigan this weekend to celebrate the wedding of Michael and Shannon. Let me be the first on the Internets to congratulate you.

APPLE BOTTOM JEANS AND BUTTS TAKING THE PLUNGE!

...sucker.

If you want AB you're going to have to pry it from my cold, dead hand.

As you may have heard, the Belgian beer giant, InBev, has made an buy out offer to Anheuser-Busch. Needless to say this deal must not go through. AB is the last major brewery in America that is actually American owned. (I don't count Coors because they merged with Molson and have a marketing partnership with SABMiller, both foreign companies.) AB has been based in St. Louis since its creation in 1852 (although officially incorporated in 1875) and has been a pillar of the community ever since. Even during the dark days of prohibition, AB was one of the only breweries to remain open and provided much needed jobs to the region. Today AB is the largest U.S. based brewery creates more revenue for the St. Louis region than their books indicate. More than just providing jobs at the corporate headquarters and the brewery, AB uses local advertising agencies, distribution centers, and delivery services. They also provide millions of dollars in tourist revenue in St. Louis and around the country with their ownership of Sea World, Busch Gardens, and various other theme parks. The charitable work they do goes largely unreported but almost every single charity, school, and church in St. Louis has been touched by AB's generosity. Both St. Louis University and Washington University receive large donations from AB every year. Many churches receive free kegs of beer for annual picnics and festivals. AB also supports organizations all around the world. Check it out.

Not to be Chicken Little or anything but all of this would end should InBev be successful in their buyout plans. InBev has a history of brutally and heartlessly slashing costs. Any and all "unnecessary" programs would be cast aside to bring up the bottom line. They don't recognize the importance of building up the community and creating good will. Sitting in Belgium and Brazil, the owners just want the money and the Budweiser brand name. Think of AB as Callahan Auto and InBev as Zalinsky Auto Parts. You are Tommy Boy. Get the job done. The AB shareholders and consumers must put forth a concentrated effort to block this take over so go to www.saveAB.com to see how you can help. One of the best ways is to keep buying Budweiser and other AB produced beers and keep buying stock in AB and hopefully we can push up the value of AB so high that InBev would not be able to afford it.

Too Busy to Post Today

...so just watch a funny G-rated video.

Now What The Hell Am I Supposed to do on Spring Break?

It is with a heavy heart and a gutter ball that I announce the moving of the International Bowling Hall of Fame and Museum from downtown St. Louis to Dallas. You may think this is just me being funny but I seriously am pissed about this. The Bowling Hall of Fame is a hallmark of this young blogger's life. I am not a big bowler person. My average is probably somewhere around -89 but I have been to the Bowling Hall of Fame probably around 30 times. I love that damn place. If you live in the St. Louis area get your ass down there before they close doors. It is there you will find a brief history of the sport, an overview of bowling's cultural significance, its role in politics and the shaping of our great nation, and of course the car shaped like a bowling pin. The Hall of Fame portion of the...um...Hall of Fame is nothing extraordinary, just plaques with faces, names, and career highlights of great bowlers past and present, but after being to Canton, Ohio, it ranks up there with the NFL Hall of Fame. After you have picked your jaw off the ground in the Hall of Fame head on down to the basement and roll a few frames. You can use modern equipment and lanes or turn back the clock and use the old timey lanes with duckbill pins and a pin monkey at the end to return your ball to you by hand. (Note: pin monkey is not an actual monkey but rather an employee that sits at the end of the lane and rolls your ball back to you.) Seriously get to the Bowling HOF and fast.

Oh, here is your video for today. Man they love their mayor in Detroit. I wouldn't be surprised if they rename the Ren Cen after him. The Kwame Towers. I can see it now.

Well, Well, Well. Look Who We Got Here.

It looks like I have some competition in the blogosphere (which is slightly below that Ionosphere.) Now since I only have ten minutes before I have to go back to work, I will be lame and post a video in order to keep thing fresh. If you are fan of Weezer, enjoy. If you are fan of YouTube quasi-celebs, enjoy. If you are fan of neither, enjoy and then post scathing comments about how lame everyone else is except for you.



I don't actually know 75% of the references in the video but I find it entertaining none the less and the song is catchy.

Since we last left our hero...

Okay so I have been a bit slow on the blogging lately but I have good excuses. As you all have read in the news, I lost the DDC again this year. Lesser men would cry and waste away into nothingness, but I am better than most men. I just got pissed. After I got back from Chicago I immediately went on a three day golfing trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. I did not shoot the best rounds of my life but the last nine holes were definitely my best so I ended on a high note. I then traveled another few hundred miles and went to my wife's cousin's wedding in Central Illinois. There I learned how to plant crops, barbecue enough meat to literally choke a horse, and how to dispose of a dead horse. I then travelled back to St. Louis and started my summer job. Here is what I have learned Rule13 = Scary ass shit. I now plan on eating food. I am too freaked out about breaking any model rules so that is all I will say for now. Suffice it to say I am a big baller and all you people better step. (That last sentence is false and is mostly an homage to my freshman year roommate for some reason as he his a baller and did make people step, as long as they swung from his tip.)

NOLAN/OSTRANDER CLAIM 3RD CONSECUTIVE DDC TITLE TO ESTABLISH DYNASTY

Chicago (AP): The fan poll of 175 voters had Roush/Stachowiak 65%-35%; Stachowiak had a new set of clubs; Nolan didn't hit a golf ball before the weekend; and yet, in the end, the more things changed, the more things stayed the same. For the third consecutive year, and by the largest margin in NFL-DDC history, Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander captured the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill in weather that could only be described as gorgeous.

After exchanging holes through seven, Nolan and Ostrander captured the 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th for a five hole lead with seven to go. After winning the 12th to cut their deficit to four, Roush and Stachowiak looked to be on a roll on the 13th green, with both they and Ostrander on in 3 and Nolan on in 4. With Roush closest to the hole, this seemed to be where things would turn. However, in what can only be described as the most clutch moment in the long tradition of the NFL-DDC, Ostrander sank a 17 foot birdie put, and Nolan followed with a 15 footer for par himself, rendering Roush/Stachowiak's par/par moot and pushing the lead back to an insurmountable 5 with 5 to go. For good measure, Nolan and Ostrander won the 14th to capture the tournament, 6 and 4.

"This one felt good," said Ostrander, clutching the Birdie as Iron Mike Ditka looked on, slightly confused as to what was going on. "If we'd have lost this one, the series really would have evened out. Instead, the pressure only builds on Roush and Stachowiak for 2009 in St. Louis." Rumor has it that Roush and Stachowiak have already begun plans to scout and prepare for the course well ahead of time for 2009, and to sneakily not reveal the course until it is too late for Nolan and Ostrander to prepare. "That's fine," said Nolan. "I didn't prepare this year, and I still finished low man."

Despite the tensions and depression that encompassed a third-consecutive loss for Roush and Stachowiak, the media noticed that all participants and significant others appeared to have a most excellent time at the 2008 NFL-DDC at Cog Hill. Stachowiak won the Pro-Am for the 2nd year in a row (this year, at the Pistol), the women got in some shopping on Michigan Avenue, and all attendees got to sing Edelweiss and Kevin's Beer Song with liter mugs of beer, exchange barbs with Mike Ditka before eating his food, and witness a Chicago Cubs victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates (and a quite impressive batting practice show, which included a game of catch between the Pirates and Stachowiak) from the 3rd row of the left-field bleachers at historic Wrigley Field.

"Thanks to everyone for coming in and making the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill Legen..." said Nolan. After wiping a tear from his eye and looking to the west, to see the "W" flag flying over Wrigley, he seemed to be finally letting the emotions of the weekend of friendship and victory overtake him. In a soft whisper, and with a gleam in his eye, he concluded, "...dary."

The Polls Have Closed

...and Roush and Stachowiak were selected as the team the people want to see win the 2008 NFL DDC by a landslide. The results of the fan vote were not a surprise to anyone following this year's contest.

"I voted at least 20 times for my boys, Jim and Mike." Pardon the Interruption host, Tony Kornheiser said. "I even stopped voting on American Idol just to give Roush and Stack my full BS voting system loyalty."

Michael Wilbon was unavailable for comment because he was watching NBA Inside Stuff with Amad Rashad.

In other news, this year's NFL DDC players have started making final preparations ahead of the main event on Saturday and some have already started descending upon Chicago. Michael Ostrander's arrival in the Windy City is supposed to rival the homecoming of the 2000-2001 Chicago Bulls while Jim Stachowiak's forward team has started making the final touches at Soldier Field, Millenium Park, and the John Hancock Building for the multi-venue concert that will be held in celebration of his arrival. Over a billion people are expected to attend.

Oh...dear...God...

It was earlier reported that Mr. Ostrander's class officially endorsed Roush and Stachowiak in this year's NFL DDC. Apparently that report was wrong:

Dead wrong:

The goal for this year's NFL DDC and team Roush/Stachowiak? Never let this happen again:

"Look everyone! No pit stains!"

Nerds

If you are a frequent reader of this blog you know that one of the things I learned while in Detroit for a bachelor party is that nobody born before 1989 will ever be as good as anyone born after 1989 in Guitar Hero. Here is my proof:



I especially like how proud the kid is at the end. The song that this 9 year old is playing is called "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce. When I first heard it I thought that it must be from some hair metal band from the 1980s. The thrashing guitars, the lyrics that remind me of movies like The Neverending Story, Legend, or Willow. Well I was right about the hair but wrong about the date. Dragonforce put out this single way back in 2007! That's right. From this video I dare you tell me someone didn't just kidnap some garage band from 1984, put them in a time machine, bought some clothes from J. Crew, and took them back to 1984 where they then filmed this video and stored the tape in a time capsule not to be opened until there was a guitar based video game out there that was just as cool as they were. Check it out.



Classic. I know you are asking yourself, "Self, I wonder what Dragonforce's influences are." Well according to an interview by lead guitarist Herman Li:

The band influence is wide across the Metal spectrum. Everything we listen to can influence us in a way, Hard Rock, cock hard, Death Metal, Thrash, Speed, shred, guitar instrumental stuff, progressive and definitely late 80’s, early 90’s video games music.

Did you catch that? Hard rock, sure. Cock hard...um...okay... Death Metal, okay. Trash, Speed; ya think? EARLY 90'S VIDEO GAMES! Not enough bands have been influenced by video games and it is a shame think of all the wonderful songs the world has been missing because of the lack of video game pop/rock out there. For his next album Justin Timberlake better do remixes of the themes to the Legend of Zelda, Sonic the Hedgehog, Super Mario Brothers, and the song that plays during the training cut scenes in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. If only the Beatles were around when Donkey Kong came out maybe there wouldn't have been a rift between John and Paul.

Speaking of Donkey Kong, if you haven't seen King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, you have to go out and rent it tonight. It is full of real winners like these guys:



My favorite is the guy in the food fight shirt.

This Kwame Thing Has Legs

Everyone's favorite mayor has made the big time. Earlier this week on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, after speaking briefly about Ohio Attorney General Mark Dan, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's texting scandal was analyzed by Stewart and the R. Kelly Impersonator. All I want to know is what is wrong with loving chili?





Cool, I embedded my first video.

STACHOWIAK DEAL WITH NIKE OFFICIAL

North Liberty(AP) – In a press conference at the University of Iowa this morning Roush-Stachowiak team member Jim Stachowiak confirmed rumors that he would be ending his ten year sponsorship run with Tour Select and inking a new deal with Nike. In an unprecedented move, this sponsorship deal includes a clause requiring Stachowiak to use Nike irons at the NFL DDC at Cog Hill next week.

With only eight days to go before the DDC, this is an unprecedented move. When asked why this move was being made now as opposed to after the DDC, Stachowiak accused Tour Select of conspiring to defeat he and Roush.

“Tour Select has been in the back pocket of Nolan and Ostrander for a few years now, why else do you think we lost the last two years” said Stachowiak. “This year it just got worse, over the last two weeks, two of those clubs snapped on me. It was time to get onboard with a company that is totally behind Mike and myself.”

The only other example of such a drastic equipment change on record came when Phil Mickelson changed clubs prior to the 2004 Ryder Cup. Roush and Stachowiak certainly hope for better results than Mickelson had.

“I’ll get one round in before the Pro Am” Stachowiak said to assure fans that he wouldn’t be hitting the new clubs for the first time come Saturday.

At Nike headquarters in Beaverton, Oregon today’s announcement coincided with renaming a building on Nike’s campus after Roush and Stachowiak. Nike CEO Phil Knight released a statement saying that Nike is glad to have Mr. Stachowiak onboard. It only seems natural with our history of great athletes like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods that we would strike a deal with the DDC’s premier team.

In a lesser publicized DDC press conference in South Bend, Indiana this afternoon, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis pledged his support for Nolan and Ostrander.

“Mike and Jim will come in with all kinds of excuses. To hell with Roush and Stachowiak, I’ve got Nolan and Ostrander.” When asked to elaborate, all he said was “see you at Ditka’s”.

Two Exams down; Three to go.

(sigh)

DDC Updates

Both stories earlier posted have been pulled due to bad taste.

Let it be known, however, bad people have endorsed both teams.

Oprah Gets in on DDC Fun

Chicago (AP): Chicago is already a buzz with excitement over this month’s NFLDDC, but golf’s biggest event just got a little bigger. In a news conference this morning, Chicago’s second most famous citizen Oprah Winfrey announced that she will be relocating her popular afternoon talk show to Cog Hill for the week of May 12th – May 16th. “It is not everyday that Chicago gets to hold a world class event such as the DDC, I would be cheating my viewers if I were not a part of it” said Oprah. The back drop for the show will be Cog Hill’s clubhouse. The tentative schedule is as follows: Monday – Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander, Tuesday: Mike Roush and Jim Stachowiak, Wednesday: The Wives Perspective, Thursday: The Greatest Trophy in Golf: The Birdie, Friday: Celebrity Predictions and a Live Feed from the DDC Pro-Am.

The Family Vote is In

Chicago (AP)--As excitement for the NFL DDC grows and grows, people have been eagerly anticipating how the families of the DDC members are handling the increased attention. All the spouses and significant others have pledged support for their men in the past but it seems that lately this support as eroded in the past few days, at least in the case of Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander. Shannon Wade was recently spotted at a local Panera where witnesses overheard her telling an unknown companion, “I don’t give a rip if Butts wins the Birdie or not. I just want him to stop all this foolishness and focus on the wedding.” Shannon and Ostrander and scheduled to be married in June, one month after the DDC.

“If I am honest with myself, I really hope Roush and Stachowiak just wax the floor at the DDC so Butts and I will have something to talk about on our honeymoon besides the damn golf tournament.” Wade went on to say.

Nina Tito was at the Borders on Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago waiting in line for Mike Roush’s autograph at a book signing he was doing for his latest release entitled Life in General: How to Live and Thrive the Roush Way. When approached by reporters Tito said “I have been a life long fan of Mike Roush and am so excited to finally meet him in person. Sure, I hang out with Nolan from time to time, but come DDC time, I will be wearing a Mike Roush jersey and a Jim Stachowiak bald cap.”

While there may be dissention in the ranks on Team Nolan/Ostrander, Roush and Stachowiak are fully supported by their wives. Both Mrs. Roush and Stachowiak were seen at various fundraising events across the Midwest raising money for their husband’s golfing endeavor.

“Colleen and I could not be more proud of our husbands.” Roush said. “They have been in lock step with every decision we have made so it is only fair that we fully support them in whatever they do.” Roush was later seen receiving a large duffel bag full of money. It is not known at this time if the money was for the trip to Ditka’s or as compensation for her comments.

“Jim has been the best husband I could ever ask for, so I am being the best wife he could ever ask for by not only putting up with this DDC business, but fully supporting him in it.” Stachowiak said.

With their wives and the significant others of the other DDC members on their side, Roush and Stachowiak picked up surprise endorsements from each and every family member of both Matt Nolan and Michael Ostrander. Michael Ostrander’s high school students also lined up behind Roush and Stachowiak, holding a pep rally in their honor after classes ended last Friday.

UPDATE: All of the votes from the families of Roush and Stachowiak are in, and they are 100% for team Roush/Stachowiak.

MCCAIN TO MAKE APPEARANCE ROUSH/STACHOWIAK RALLY

Chicago (AP): With less than a month to go before the NFLDDC at Cog Hill, not much has been heard out of the Roush/Stachowiak camp. Many DDC followers speculate they are keeping a low profile due to their strict practice routine with Tiger Woods. However, details are starting to leak out about a concert/rally for Roush/Stachowiak fans that will rival Woodstock in popularity and historical significance. This rally, called “Bring Back the Birdie 2008”, will be an all day event held on Thursday May 17th at Millennium Park in Chicago in the shadows of Nolan’s office. “We want Nolan and Ostrander to know Mike and Jim are coming for them and they have an army of support twice the size of Arnie’s” said Bring Back the Birdie 2008 organizer Tony Snow, “That’s why were holding this at Millennium Park, we want Nolan to see first hand the gallery that he is going to be up against.” The roster of bands playing this concert has not been finalized, but The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Poison, Eminem, Neil Diamond, the Good Piano Guy from Pluggers, Miley Cyrus, the Killers, Tom Petty, Run DMC, Brooks and Dunn, Vanilla Ice, Chuck Berry, Bob Seger, Toby Keith, and Bon Jovi have all pledged their support for Roush and Stachowiak and will participate in this concert. “Bands from Drum Corp International have expressed interest, but no fan of Mike and Jim is interested in that crap” said Snow. Also expected at this rally is the release of Chicago legend Wesley Willis’ “The Birdie is the Greatest Trophy in the History of the World”. As if all of that weren’t enough a spokesman for Sen. John McCain said earlier today that since it’s inception, Sen. McCain has always been a fan of the DDC and Roush and Stachowiak and that he wouldn’t miss the chance to make an appearance at their rally. Sen. McCain runs his campaign on the same principles Roush and Stachowiak play the DDC, truth, justice, kicking ass, and the American way.

Follow up:

Sen. McCain’s office has released a statement saying that this press release was in draft form (his staffer had a meeting mid draft) when the other story with quotes from Iowa was released this morning. “This morning’s Iowa comments were misconstrued. Never did I endorse Nolan and Ostrander, I’ll leave that to people like Kwame Kilpatrick. Also, I certainly don’t endorse anything Ostrander says when drunk. I am 100% behind Roush and Stachowiak in the DDC” said Sen. McCain. More on this story as it develops.

GOD ENDORSES NOLAN/OSTRANDER

Chicago (AP): At a 1:23pm (CST) press conference this afternoon, held at heaven (Wrigley Field), God endorsed Nolan and Ostrander to win the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill. Despite the fact that God can pretty much make whomever he wants to win, organizers confirmed plans to actually contest the event, citing a desire to keep the fans and the media happy.

President Bush in St. Louis Today; Backs Roush/Stachowiak

President Bush, along with Missouri Senator Kit Bond and Representative Todd Akin, spoke this morning at World Wide Technologies in St. Louis, Missouri in what was supposed to be a speech about the economy. While the President did talk briefly about his economic stimulus package, the bulk of the speech was devoted to the NFL DDC.

"America needs for Roush and Stack...Stow...Stachovich to win the DDC. These great champions have been on the losing side too long. It is no coincidence that the economy has been more sluggish than when they were DDC champions. The sale of DDC t-shirts, videos, and other memorabilia sky rocket when Roush and um...Jim, win the tournament." Bush said.

Roush, fresh off a devastating go at a Partnership Tax exam, spoke briefly and the content of their conversation is secret but sources have said that the President offered Roush the use of Air Force One for any DDC related travel. Roush is unlikely to need the presidential airplane because of his access to the famous Roush fleet of jets.

NOLAN/OSTRANDER RECEIVE ENDORSEMENT FROM THE STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS

Des Moines, IA (AP): At his morning press conference during a stop in Des Moines, Iowa, John McCain endorsed Nolan and Ostrander for the 2008 NFL-DDC. Looking to boost his Iowa numbers, he thought about backing Zach Johnson, but decided upon the more recent heroes in Iowa. "Nolan and Ostrander know what it's like to talk straight, especially after a couple of drinks," said Senator McCain. "I can't wait for the Friday "get the other team more drunk than your team" event.

TEE TIME SET FOR 2008 CHICAGO NFL-DDC PRO-AM AT MAROVITZ

Chicago (Reuters): According to two-time defending NFL-DDC champion Matt Nolan, the tee time for the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC Pro-Am at Marovitz has been set. "To allow ample time for travel and settling in, but not to waste away the evening, the tee time for the Pro-Am has been set for 4:28pm" said Nolan. "Golfers will find this 9-hole course a good tune-up for Cog Hill, and will also enjoy majestic views of Lake Michigan, much like Pebble Beach, only about $479.50 less per round." While the participants will have to walk with their clubs from their lodging to the course, Nolan doesn't see this as a problem. "Other than Ostrander and I, all of the participants are wildly out of shape, and the walk will probably do them some good." Attendees are encouraged to arrive early to find parking, as the Cubs play the Pirates at Wrigley Field at 1:20pm that afternoon.

Chicago continues to grow in excitement for its trial run for the 2016 Olympics. This Saturday evening, Kirkland & Ellis is hosting a formal dinner and casino night, as a trial run for the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill post-tournament banquet at Mike Ditka's. Word has it that Nina Tito, an NFL-DDC virgin, is also beginning to explore options for the participants' ladies to partake of during this year's rumble. Women are encouraged to contact each other to sort out the details.

The NFL-DDC came to the political world early this morning, when another Hillary Clinton superdelegate defected, but this time to "Nolan/Ostrander, 3 and 2" instead of to rival Barack Obama. "I've seen Obama shoot hoops and bowl," said the superdelegate, who asked to remain nameless as he is going through an investigation and probable trial for his use of high-priced call girls while governor of New York. "There's no way I can endorse him to beat Stachowiak/Roush, but I can definitely go with Nolan/Ostrander. Those guys know how to stroke it." Nolan and Ostrander also picked up endorsements from Pope Benedict XVI, Fielding Yost's ghost, all of the women who have had affairs with Roger Clemens, Wolf from American Gladiators, Hornswaggle, and Billy Ray Cyrus, who added, "Nolan and Ostrander are just going to be Miley, 7 and 5."

Roush and Stachowiak received endorsements from Mark D'Antonio, Satan, Osama Bin Laden, Hellga from American Gladiators, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Bill Richardson, Raul Castro and Vlad the Impaler's ghost.

Mad Props to the Wife

My wife is great and as such she needs a great nickname to be used on this blog. I traditionally do not use nicknames as I prefer to call everyone by their given name or "jerk." Since my wife does not qualify as a "jerk" (far from it) and I don't want to use her given name online (even though everyone that reads this probably knows her) I need to come up with an alias. I was reading David Feherty's blog and he calls his wife "She Who Must Be Obeyed." I liked that one a lot but I am not going to straight up steal another man's wife's online nickname plus I don't want to give the impression that my wife is some evil force that calls forth all the demons in hell just because I forgot to but the seat down (or up in some cases). So world, come up with a good name and you win an official Bubba Tunes congratulations.

Finals Be Damned. Posting Shall Continue

Okay so I am studying for finals but unlike those suckers in The Paper Chase I will not let studying ruin my having a good time. This means that you readers are lucky because I will continue to post whenever I feel like it. Of course since I actually am studying the posts will probably be shorter than usual and slightly less witty. (I say slightly because my wittiness factor is quite low to start off with so any decline would have to be slight even if I were became completely devoid of any and all wit.) Also since the DDC is just weeks away I will probably be focused on golf related things. Since my Partnership Tax exam is tomorrow and I don't stand a snow ball's chance in hell of getting a good grade in it at this point I am going to let a guest writer do my job for me. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you David Feherty.

As an encore, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the ever-so-classy, John Daly.

And so it begins...

Classes are officially over. It is exam go time. Original posts will be sporadic at best for a couple of weeks but look for continued NFL DDC related press releases.

Earthquake '08: Day..um...something

Yet another earthquake tore through St. Louis again this afternoon. I thought it was a truck again but sure enough, it was a tremor. I need to stock up on water and spam.

Nolan/Ostrander Pick Up Yet Another Set of Endorsements

Columbus, OH - In a late night press conference from an undisclosed location somewhere in central Ohio, a joint press conference was called by Justin Boren, Osama bin Laden, William Ayers, Kim Jong Il, and Cobra Commander to issue their support of Matt Nolan and Michael Ostander in the 2008 NFL DDC. Upon hearing this news former supporters of Nolan and Ostrander, including Michigan Head Coach Rich Rodriguez and former Coach Lloyd Carr, immediately renounced their support and declared support for Team Roush-Stachowiak. Kathy and Shemy Schembechler also came out and said that their late husband and father, Bo Schembechler, would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the current situation. The Michigan Supreme Court has invalidated Schembechler's will on public policy grounds and declared it illegal for any Michigan resident, former resident, or alumnus from any institution in Michigan to declare support for anyone other than Roush and Stachowiak.

TEAM NOLAN/OSTRANDER PICK UP MAJOR ENDORSEMENTS

Ann Arbor - According to local sources, new University of Michigan Head Football Coach Rich Rodriguez and his predecessor, Lloyd Carr, have scheduled a 1:00PM (EST) news conference to announce that they will pledge their complete support to Matthew J. Nolan and Michael Ostrander in the 2008 NFL DDC at Cog Hill. The announcement is the first major endorsement in what is expected to be a month full of celebrity interest in the annual golf tournament. When reached by phone late last night, Coach Carr exclaimed, "I think these two Michigan Men are absolutely tremendous. They have an opportunity to become legends in a legendary event." Coach Rodriguez also commented, saying, "I fully support Nolan and Ostrander as true examples of Michigan Men and the only true champions of the NFL DDC. Additionally, if I had decided not to endorse their team, Mike Barwis threatened to 'kick my lily-white ass'." While this announcement comes as little surprise to those who closely follow the situation, the most shocking revelation that is set to be discussed at the press conference is the announcement that Michigan coaching legend Glenn E. "Bo" Shembechler included a provision in his will providing that no members of the DDC other than Nolan and Ostrander can ever claim an endorsement from any true Michigan Men. In related news, Justin Boren is scheduled to announce his endorsement of Team Roush/Stachowiak later this week.

UPDATE: It has been learned that the author of the above story had been sniffing glue all night long and may have had glue related hallucinations. As such, nothing in the above story should be taken seriously. The reporter is currently in rehab. May God have mercy on his soul.

Those Who Stay Will Be Champions

I have edited this post because I believe my earlier post was too rash. I have calmed down and decided only to say that if you want to play for Michigan great, if you don't, there's the door. Where you go after you leave is your own decision.

(I still want to win at least the next three meetings though.)

You're killing me Smalls! You're killing me.

This is a brillant post and I am a little mad I had not thought of it myself. I just want to know who is Wendy Peppercorn?

Earth Day Tips

Okay, so today is Earth Day and since Bubba Tunes is all about being green, today we will discuss (now that we have discussed T-shirts, Cubs Tickets, Jake Long, and DDC copiers) the problem of rising gas and energy prices. All of those readers that drive are well aware the price at the pump has gotten way out of hand. When I started driving I could fill up the entire tank for $8.00. Today this would barely get me 2 gallons at the local Shell station.

There are a lot of variables that contribute to the rising cost of gasoline but one solution pushed is bio-diesel and ethanol. Bio-diesel and ethanol use corn and other crops that will not only be a greener alternative to regular gas but will also reduce the price at the pump. Here’s the rub: using food for fuel apparently is not a good idea. Okay so you will only have to pay a buck to fill your SUV but you will have to boil your tires for food because that is all that’s left.

Another solution to rising gas prices that has spread over the internet over the years is to get everyone to pick one day when nobody buys gas. Oops. One-day gas boycotts is like having America stop going to McDonald’s on July 1st to reduce the price on Quarter Pounders with Cheese. On July 2nd the burgers will still be there and will still cost the same.

Okay okay, if there is no effective way to reduce demand quickly to lower the price, what about using a biofuels that don’t require using food? Excellent question, how about using algae instead of corn? Wrong…at least for now. While algae-based biofuel may be a solution down the line, right now it is just too darn expensive.

Okay Mike, what the hell do you propose then? Well, who says there is a problem? All I know is that I could stand to drop a couple pounds. I do have to fit into that “Those Who Stay Will Be Champions” t-shirt after all.

If you really want to do something to stop polluting like a crazy bastard here are some easy things that you can do:
1. Recycle - duh.
2. Use reusable bags at the grocery store--This is cheap and easy. The bags hold more stuff and if you shop at Trader Joe's they actually give you a discount for using reusable bags. Nifty.
3. Walk to the store across the street--I know you have a pimp ass ride but if it only takes a few minutes to walk then break out the Adidas Sambas and walk there.
4. Use long lasting light bulbs--These are cool not only because they use less energy and last longer, but they also come in cool twirly shapes.
5. Turn off the damn lights--If you aren't using the room, turn off the lights.
6. If you have a yard grow some veggies--I don't know exactly how this works as far as being environmentally sound but my guess is that if you eat vegetables that were not exposed to pesticides and were never shipped on a truck there would be that much less pesticides and gas emissions in the atmosphere. I think growing a garden is cool just because you can get in mad tomato fights with the neighbors.
7. Stop smoking-- This definitely has nothing to do with the environment but damn it I hate smelling like an ash tray every time I go to the bar.
8. When in doubt ask yourself, "what would that crying Indian think?"--You know the Indian that was really Italian from that commercial in the 1970s? Of course you do. If you are about to chuck something out of your car ask yourself if that Indian/Italian would cry or not. If there is no tear, have no fear. If he starts to cry, just pass on by. Emily Dickinson eat your heart out.
9. Convince your friends to buy hybrid cars but you don't buy one yourself--Right now the money you would pay for a hybrid is more than you would save at the pump but if your friends all buy hybrids less gas would be consumed. This has two good effects: 1. Less gas emissions; and 2. Lower demand and price of gas for you. In a few years when hybrids are worth it, then go for it. Until then let the swells take the burden.

I know there are some of you that want to bring littering back so there will be jobs for people like Hooty the Owl but you should remember that picking up litter would just provide more jobs for illegal immigrants and nobody wants that.

P.S. This message was brought to you by the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt, not Al Gore.

Long Gone.

Jake Long is the first Michigan Wolverine to be selected as the number one draft pick since Tom Harmon had the same honor in 1941.

Congrats Jake.

The St. Louis Rams are on the clock and would be wise to select the other Long.

Delusional NFL DDC Member Thinks the Cubs are Worth Support

Chicago (AP): With less than a month to go until the 2008 Chicago NFL-DDC at Cog Hill, final preparations are underway and details are being finalized. Matt Nolan held a press conference at the Haray Caray statue outside of beautiful Wrigley Field this morning to announce that the final two bleacher tickets for the competitors and their ladies for the May 18th Cubs v. Pirates game had been procured. "This is a big step for the DDC,"said Nolan, grinning in the wake of the Cubs' 7-1 win on Monday night that gave the Northsiders their first 13-6 start in over 20 years. "Now we'll all be able to watch the 2008 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs defeat the Pirates again, just like they have in their first six meetings this season." When reminded that he is the only Cubs fan who will be competing in the NFL-DDC, Nolan shrugged and remarked, "that's only one of us who's winning a World Series AND the Birdie this year, then." Because of increased traffic on Lakeshore and Grace St. near Nolan's apartment, Chicago commuters are encouraged to drive Halsted St. to and from work in the mornings at least until May 19th.

Jamar Adams = DDC Wannabe

This is the most blatant case of copy catism (that is the legal term) in the history of America. Although it could be the most flattering example of flattering in the history of flattering. The jury is still out. Mr. Adams should mind his Ps and Qs until the DDC legal action team has finished their research (Matt, get on this because I am too lazy.) Right now it may just be a round of golf on the day of the NFL draft but if he decides to give that round a name, play his friends for a trophy from Things Remembered, or put up gift cards for longest drive contests, then I am absolutely sure there will be a open and shut case of first degree ripping off.

Happy Earth Day.

Be sure to give a pile of dirt, a tree, or a bull frog a nice big hug today.

Total Mind Blow: I received the following e-mail from Moe Sport Shop:

"Hello Michael,We received your order today, but have unfortunately run out of the "Those who stay" Tee in XL. The only sizes we have are small through large. I do have "The Team. The Team. The Team." in XL. Let us know whether you would like to substitute a different item, or if you would prefer the I remove that item from your order and ship the Nike Polo. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Have a great day and thank you for choosing Moe's."

I decided to take the "The Team" shirt. I guess the XL's didn't stay on the shelves and are therefore not to be considered champions.

In other news, I have decided to lose weight so I can wear large t-shirts instead of XLs.

Snow Falls on Atlanta

This is surprising to me. Tony Snow at CNN is like having Dee Dee Myers at Fox News. Wait a second...CNN grabbed Ari Fleischer first, now Tony Snow...Fox News needs to go after Scott McClellan hard to prevent CNN having the trifecta of retired George W. Bush press secretaries. I actually am not surprised that CNN has hired Snow. He is an extremely popular figure in conservative circles (see my bulletin board from college) and he brings a history of successful ratings at Fox News and on radio. Fox is killing CNN in the ratings and I honestly think CNN's move here will take away some viewers. If Snow were to get his own show a la Bill O'Reilly CNN could do quite well. All I know is that tomorrow when I tune in to the coverage of the Pennsylvania primaries I will definitely switch away from Brit Hume from time to time to see what my boy Tony Snow has to say. (By the way, who in their right mind would name their child anything other than "Brit Hume?" That has got to be the best name in the history of names.)

Earthquake 2008: Day Four

Forty minutes past midnight I felt yet another aftershock. Each passing tremor is more intense that the one before it and I fear that there is little time before the whole of the Midwest is sucked under the Earth's crust in a violent showing of nature's wrath.

Okay that may not actually happen. The aftershock last night was just a shade above the level our apartment vibrates when a large dump truck passes by. So fear not fellow earthquake '08 survivors, we shall get through this together or separately depending on your level of cooperation in these harsh times.