Injustice Continues

ST. LOUIS PROPAGANDA MACHINE IN FULL EFFECT; WARNING TO NFL-DDC FANS AND MEDIA

St. Louis (AP): In what is sure to be a trend in St. Louis' attempts to remain behind Cleveland in the World's Sh*tiest Cities ("WSC") rankings, the St. Louis hype machine this week took over the nation's airwaves and, using digitally enhanced footage, attempted to convince the viewing public that the St. Louis Cardinals had actually won three baseball games in a row against the Chicago Cubs. "If they're willing to do it for the Cubs/Cards, you know they'll try to convince the world that Roush/Stachowiak will have won the NFL-DDC," said Matt Nolan, co-three-time-defending-champion at the NFL-DDC with Mike Ostrander. "I mean, Chris Carpenter pitching five innings? Come on - what's next, Roush or Stachowiak actually shooting in the 80s? At least try to keep it believable, guys."

Fans and external media are warned not to take anything propogated by the St. Louis media as fact, and to keep an eye on the action themselves to confirm that, indeed, pigs aren't flying, and Nolan and Ostrander are once again holding the Birdie.

Traffic on I-55S and I-255W is already reported to be at unprecedented levels, and while some claim that may be tangentially related to the Memorial Day weekend, the "We Brake for Ostrander" bumper stickers are leading most to agree that it's NFL-DDC cars. The College Gameday Live crew, while slightly out of their element, have already set up in the parking lot at Pevely Farms, and that douche with the Wazzu flag is already there, too.

In a last-minute slew of endorsements, Dave Roush, Ram-Diesel, Paul Stachowiak, Big Dick, Lukas Ostrander, Thomas and Tommy, Jun Takayamaguchi, B-Dawggzz and Juggzzzz, That Chick With the Nasty Acne From the Green Lounge, Fritz Crisler's ghost, the guy who bites the bell pepper on the Iron Chef, Bornopos, LeBron James, Joey Harrington, the Dollar Guy, Hello Faz's ghost, the St. Louis Arch, Herky the Hawkeye, Brett Hull, Manny Legace, Lou Brock, Lee Elia, and Kristy Schmitt endorsed Nolan and Ostrander.

Oprah Winfrey and Hideki Tsutsumi endorsed Roush and Stachowiak. Oprah was not available for comment.

MISSING LINK FOSSIL TELLS MORE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT

New York (AP) – Just a day after being released to the public, Ida, the fossil that many paleontologists believe to be the “missing link” in human evolution is providing even more information about early human ancestors and possibly even foreshadowing future events. The AP has discovered this photo, taken onsite when the fossil was dug up.

Although it doesn’t say much about early human sign making skills or creativity, it does show that Mike Roush and Jim Stachowiak have been the DDC’s biggest stars for roughly 47 million years. “It is believed that the scientists who discovered Ida were Nolan and Ostrander fans and didn’t want the rest of Nolan Ostrander Nation to be devastated by the news that Mike and Jim’s popularity reaches back that far” says Jim Litke, the reporter who uncovered these photos. “Although, with the economy hurting, Ida’s foreshadowing of the outcome of this year’s DDC may also have had some involvement in the covering up of these photos.” Regardless, the revelation that early humans were huge Roush Stachowiak fans is expected to give Mike and Jim a big boost heading into this weekend’s competition.

DDC ENDORSEMENTS SURPRISE EXPERTS

SILCON VALLEY, CA (Reuters) -- In a major coup, the world famous blog, Fairly Accurately Rated, has endorsed Team Roush/Stachowiak in the 2009 NFL DDC. A post early this morning praised the team’s effort and resilience despite poor results for the past three years, “While they may not have brought the Birdie home recently, they have stuck to it and fought hard. With the tournament being held in St. Louis, we here at F.A.R. have a good feeling about their chances. Go Jim and Mike!”

The post was removed quickly under mysterious circumstances and hacking may be to blame for the shocking endorsement. On a condition of anonymity a source at F.A.R. had this to say, “F*** those guys. They will not win this golf tournament.”

Today has marked a significant increase in public figures endorsing the teams. Here they are:

Roush/Stachowiak:

Rich Rodriguez, Lloyd Carr, the Family of Bo Schembechler, the Pope, Barack Obama, Jud Heathcote, The estates of Adolf Hitler, Woody Hayes, and Sadaam Hussein, the ghosts of Pontius Pilate and Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Bento Mussolini, The Iron Sheik, King King Bundy, Sid, and The Powers of Pain.

Nolan/Ostrander

Dave Bing, Jim Tressel, Mark Dantonio, Gargamel, the Shredder, Kang, Skeletor, the forces of Cobra, Lex Luthor, The Joker, Bernie Madoff, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Mullah Omar, and the H1N1 virus.

Vice President Joe Biden has thrown his support behind Ben Hogan winning the tournament even though Mr. Hogan has been dead for 12 years.

As the tournament gets closer further endorsements are bound to become public and it is hoped that law enforcement officials from around the world will be there to arrest, capture, or kill most of those making endorsements.

NIKE ANNOUNCES CONTINUED PARTNERSHIP WITH NFL DDC

Beaverton, OR (AP) – With just under three weeks remaining until the NFL DDC golf tournament in St. Louis, MO, sporting goods giant Nike has announced that the company will continue providing golf balls for the legendary event. Like years past, Nike does not hold exclusivity rights for all golf balls used in the tournament; however, a stipulation in the contract guarantees that all putts must be made using the official NFL DDC golf ball designed by Nike. Failure to use the agreed upon ball is said to result in a penalty, however, the NFL DDC competitors seem to be at odds over the severity of the penalty. DDC legend and 3-time defending champion Matt Nolan suggests that the rule is clear. “Two stroke penalty. That’s the rule. Also, I thought it was funny to say two stroke.” Perennial DDC runner-up, Mike Roush laments the rule, claiming, “If Jim Stachowiak misses a putt using a Srixon, Titlest, or Slazenger, why does it matter what ball he is using? Isn’t my partner’s bad putting penalty enough for our team?” Like much of the rules following the tournament, the use of the Nike ball for putting seems to be steeped in tradition, more than reality. According to lovable loser Jim Stachowiak, “I like the rule. I think it is classic.” When asked to what rule he was referring, and to define the particulars of the rule, Stachowiak responded, “All of them. All of the rules are classic. It’s the NFL DDC, baby! It’s a tradition unlike any other. That’s the rule.” As the date of the tournament approaches, speculation continues to swirl regarding illegal pre-tournament play on the official golf course, Pevely Farms. DDC champion Michael Ostrander touched on the topic, saying, “I’m sure that Jim and Mike have played the course. In fact, I hope they have. We could be playing on a course designed by Jim, with remote control balls operated by Mike, and Team Nolan/Ostrander would still win The Birdie.” With all players firmly into their pre-tournament routine, the excitement is sure to heat up in the next couple of weeks. Speaking on behalf of Nike, CEO Mark Parker wished all of the competitors good luck, saying, “Nike is pleased to continue our partnership with the NFL DDC. This year, we look forward to the elimination of bush-league tactics, such as the use of Karma, and encourage the players to get their Mojo working in an effort to win the prestigious trophy, The Birdie.” As Parker was leaving, he was seen placing a bet on Nolan/Ostrander to win the NFL DDC for a record 4^th consecutive year.

SOUTER RETIRES CITING NEED TO FOCUS ON DDC

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) – Justice David Souter has announced that he will retire from the Supreme Court. Asked why he has decided to retire, Souter said, “Well I have spent enough time on the bench doing this and that but it is time for me to do something really important, heading the NFL DDC rules committee.”

“While I respect Souter’s choice to retire, the position of head rules official is not just his to take,” stated long time DDC member and rule breaker Matt Nolan, “He will have to go through the same application and vetting process as everyone else.”

Souter, appointed by George H. W. Bush, but leaned moderate to liberal in his decisions said he will do whatever it takes to be an official part of the DDC.

“Look, I’ll do anything to get the position. You want more guns? Great, have more guns. You want more civil liberties and personal freedom from the government? I will write a judicial order granting whatever the hell you want, just give me the damn job.”

Stay tuned for further developments on this breaking story.

Official 2009 NFL DDC Players' Itinerary

Friday:
8 PM – TBD: Arrive at el apartment de Roush
TBD: Couples vs. Couples Laser Tag in U City
TBD: Hitting Lumiere Place for some rehash of the infamous Ostrander Bachelor Party
TBD: A quick bite at the Courtesy Diner for some world famous “Slingers”
Later: 1st ever NFL DDC Par Three Contest under the Lights at Tower Tee
Later: Sleep

Saturday:
7:14 AM: Pro-Am Tee Off at Gateway National Golf Club
Noon: Lunch at Fast Eddie’s Bon-Air
1 pm: Feed the goats at Grant’s Farm
2 pm: Tour of Schlafly Brewery
2:15 pm: Brew own beer at Schlafly Bottleworks
5:00 pm: SUIT UP!!! –Water Park at Six Flags
8:00 pm: Dinner at Hardee’s
9:00 pm: Drinks at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse
10:00 pm: Desserts at Bailey’s Chocolate Bar
Midnight: Round 2 of the 1st ever NFL DDC Par Three Contest Under the Lights at Tower Tee
2 am: Drinks at Hooter’s

Sunday:
7:00 am: Mass
8:08 am: Tee off at Pevely Farms
1 pm: Lunch/Viewing of Terminator Salvation at Moolah Theatre and Bowling Alley
4pm: Updated Mike Roush Reality Tour
5pm: Official DDC Charity Event: Pan-handling at the corner of Grand and Garfield Ave
6:30 pm: Official DDC Photo at Busch Stadium under the 2006 World Championship Flag.
10 pm: NFL DDC Banquet at Pujols Five Restaurant
Midnight: Dave and Buster’s until we puke.

Monday:
Morning: Get the hell out of Missouri

SPECTER CHANGES ALLIANCES

Washington DC (AP) – Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter shocked the nation this afternoon by switching his loyalties. At a press conference announcing his switch from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party, Pen. Senator Arlen Specter made waves by also announcing that he would no longer be supporting Roush/Stachowiak in the DDC. The longtime supporter had this to say, “Whereas Mike and Jim at one time represented what I stood for, I find myself much more aligned with Nolan and Ostrander.” This surprising flip flop proves what many DDC fans have thought for a long time, Specter is a bandwagon hopping nut job. Michael Steele, RNC Chairman and Roush/Stachowiak supporter had this to say “We don’t want that bandwagon jumping nut job on our side for the DDC or in the Senate. He’s fallen in love with the flavor of the month in Nolan/Ostrander and President Obama. In the Roush/Stachowiak camp and in the GOP we are only interested in people who are true to their principals and that is certainly not Sen. Specter.” More to follow on this breaking story.

DDC Officials Not Concerned About Swine Flu Fears

Cuidad de Mexico (AP) -- While the deadly outbreak of the swine flu has spread over the Mexico border into the United States, officials are not concerned about its possible affect on the usually high turn out at the NFL DDC.

"We have been getting updates on the situation every hour for the last few days and unless something changes, we are going forward as planned." said Michael Roush, the host of this year's DDC event.

There have been no reported cases of the swine flu in St. Louis, where this year's DDC will take place, but people have been infected by the virus in neighboring Kansas.

"We are aware of the situation in Kansas but the CDC has told us there is no reason to think it will spread to St. Louis given the increased precautions all federal agencies are taking in preparation of the DDC." reported DDC legend Michael Ostrander.

Resources from federal, state, and local agencies have been preparing for over two years for the 2009 DDC and agents from the CDC, FEMA, FBI, ATF, CIA, OMB, NIOSH, OSHA, NLRB, CTU, NSA, NASA, EPA, and the Boy Scouts of America have created a vitrual fortress in St. Louis and are reported to be ready for any possible attack, natural disaster, civil unrest, or epidemic that has any real or perceived possibility of happening before or during the world famous golf event.

"Of course any event as large and important as the DDC will be targeted and we have received threats from your typical nutjobs but I haven't lost one bit of sleep over the safety of the our fans or anyone else." said Matt Nolan. "My only real concern is slicing my drives into the woods."

Jim Stachowiak continued the upbeat message, "Swine flu, avian flu, equestrian flu, bovine flu, who gives a [excrement]? I am going after the Birdie come hell or high water."

DDC Hope Springs Eternal

Saint Louis (AP) – As the media blitz surrounding Earth Day slowly winds down, news outlets across the globe are sending the best reporters to the great American city, Saint Louis, Missouri. Having thoroughly covered the melting icecaps, the deforested forests, and the mighty rivers that have run dry leaving giant scars across the lands and causing wide spread famine, death, and war, the media elite have started to focus on what is really important: the National Football League Draft Day Classic.

Every year on, or in the few months surrounding, the NFL Draft, the world’s greatest golfing event takes place somewhere in the Midwest. While the true origins of the NFL DDC have been lost in the ether of history, the legend has it that this most elite of all sporting traditions was forged from the fires of the most competitive competition, the most challenging challenges, and some golfers golfing.

We do know the first NFL DDC took place in the sleepy college town of Ann Arbor, Michigan when a few students decided to take a break from studying for finals and hit the links while the weather allowed. While the golf had to be played, knowing who the Detroit Lions selected in the draft was also of utmost importance to the band of hackers out there on those MacKenzie-ian hills of Washtenaw County. Through the miracle of wireless communication, and the recent banning of roaming charges, word of the Lions selection was passed to the foursome whilst they were preparing to tee off.

Since that first DDC there have been traditions that have come—the Birdie—and gone—the traditional post-round Outback run but the tradition lives on. The DDC has been held in such far away lands as western Ann Arbor, the Chicagoland area, and the outskirts of North Liberty but never before, in neither time nor distance, has the DDC been so far away from that mysterious first DDC.

At the beginning of the 20^th century Saint Louis was the fourth largest city in the nation. Hosting the both the World’s Fair and the Olympic Games in 1904, the city’s future was very bright indeed. But as the century continued and year after year passed without being able to host the DDC, St. Louis fell into decline. By the 1960s people thought the city would never host the DDC and many fled to the suburbs, to other cities, or simply disappeared. Crime and lousy fashion trends took control. The bell bottomed jeans, huge lapels, and puffed out hair styles were attempts to distract everyone’s attention from the one horrible and unavoidable fact staring the populous in their weary, disillusioned eyes: the DDC was but a dream.

But as Walter Sobchak once said while paraphrasing Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, dude, it is no dream.” The city started small. To help regain its hope it hosted the 1992 PGA Championship. Nick Price, the winner of that tournament, said “Saint Louis is a terrific venue for golf events and if they keep things up, one day, just maybe, they will be able to host the DDC.” It was this memorable quote from the winner’s podium that galvanized the city. Citizens started caring again. The push was on. The city attracted the Rams from Los Angeles to prove it was relevant in any NFL DDC discussion. Downtown revitalization projects began en masse to make space for the throngs of people that were sure to come with any DDC visit. Entire warehouse districts were transformed from vacant shells into hotels, office buildings, and trendy lofts. Businesses moved from the county and parts unknown hoping to one day be part of the DDC experience.

To help better prepare to host such an important and meaningful event as the DDC, the city played host to Pope John Paul II in 1999. On his two day visit to the city, the Pontiff declared the city was spiritually ready to be honored with the DDC. To ensure the city could withstand the celebrations that would accompany the DDC the Rams won the Super Bowl in 2000 and the Cardinals won the World Series in 2006. These two victories represented a victory lap for the city. The infrastructure was there. The spiritual awakening had taken place. Finally, the sports enthusiasm was in full force as well.

When people around the country talk of the economic downturn, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the resurgence of old threats in Russia and China, they do so only because they have forgotten about the DDC. Barack Obama was swept into the White House by a wave of popular support looking for hope and change. The people did not realize that the hope and change they needed could not be found in political promises. The hope and change they need can only be found in the pageantry and glory of the DDC.

It is the sound of titanium composite striking balata. The radiantly green fairways. The perfect recovery shot after launching a drive into the trees. The excitement of going for it over the water hazard protecting the green. The strategic planning of each hole. The gamesmanship of making the other side putt it out. The thrill of sinking a forty foot putt to stymie the match. The hoisting of the Birdie, with its bronze shining in the sun. These are the things that will give the people hope and will inspire them to create the change they for which they are so desperately searching. The American people may have forgotten this but they will remember.

The NFL DDC, ladies and gentlemen, it truly and unmistakably is the tradition unlike any other.

IT’S DRAFT WEEKEND, WHERE’S THE DDC HYPE?

New York – It seems as though something is missing this year. As sports fans, most of the things that we use to mark the beginning of spring Opening Day, the Masters, The Final Four have all came and went as expected. This weekend the NFL takes center stage with its NFL Draft, but the weekend doesn’t seem complete and that is because for the third straight year, the NFLDDC will not be competed on draft day. At least for the last couple of years, by this time, the hype machine was in full effect and fans knew what to look forward to. This year, however, for unexplained reasons, all we know is that the DDC has been moved back to Memorial Day weekend and that it will be held in St. Louis. Why has there not been more hype this year? Many theories abound. Many Nolan/Ostrander fans seem uninterested, they’ve been spoiled much like Piston fans over the last couple of years. Roush/Stachowiak fans have had their heart broken too many times and some think that many have not recovered from a late par five last year that looked to be a turning point until Ostrander closed the door with the most clutch birdie putt in DDC history. Others think that current events might play a larger role. Did President Obama suggesting that the DDC should spread the wealth around by allowing anyone who wants to participate and just sharing “The Birdie” as if it were a tee ball trophy damper some of the excitement this year? Is the lack of corporate sponsorship from AIG affecting this years’ event? Some even go so far as to say that with Ostrander and Stachowiak’s Detroit Lions holding the first pick in the draft more focus is on the future of that franchise. Regardless of the reason, expect the buildup to start soon, expect one of the greatest DDC’s yet, and expect the fact that the Lions and the Rams hold the first two picks in the actual draft to be a good omen for Roush and Stachowiak.

Starting to Talk the Talk

We will see...we will see.

In other news: GO BLUE!!

PEVELY FARMS NAMED HOST COURSE OF THE 2009 NFL DDC COURSE

(AP) – ST. LOUIS –Pevely Farms Golf Club in Eureka, Missouri has been officially chosen to host the 2009 NFL Draft Day Classic this Memorial Day weekend. Internet bloggers have long speculated as to the secret location of the 2009 DDC while the rest of the world tried to figure out if there was such a thing as a non-internet blogger. It was decided there was not.

Nestled in the Meramec River Valley just outside St. Louis, Pevely Farms is known for its scenic views, rolling hills, and challenging holes. While the scenery may be new to the competitors of the DDC, they should feel somewhat at home as Pevely Farms was designed by Arthur Hills, the architect behind building former DDC host course , Stonebridge Golf Club, and the renovations to former DDC hose courses, the University of Michigan Golf Course and Leslie Park.

Pevely Farms offers both shot makers and long drivers a unique challenge. The front nine is set up links style and requires pin point accuracy and smart decision making. The back nine takes advantage of the valley’s rolling hills and forest and makes for an intimidating round of golf.

“I am excited we finally know where we are going to retain the Birdie.” Boasted Matt Nolan, upon hearing the news. “Pevely Farms, Old MacDonald’s Farm, State Farm, it doesn’t matter. We will dominate anywhere.”

When asked about his partner’s confidence, Michael Ostrander only replied, “Nolan, Nolan, Nolan,” while shaking his head.

When Ostrander was asked about the course, he said, “Oh, I love the decision. Being from West Michigan I am used to rolling hills and playing in the woods. I welcome the challenge Pevely presents. On a different subject, I would like to remind people that I have lost weight and they can’t make fun of that any more in news articles in the lead up to the DDC.”

Ostrander then picked up his five gallon container of potato salad he was eating and left to pick up his order at KFC.

“While I don’t know much about the course, I can say that Pevely makes some damn fine milk and dairy products.” Said Jim Stachowiak. “I can’t wait to get down there and win back the Birdie.”

It was also revealed that the 2009 NFL DDC Pro-Am would be hosted by Gateway National Golf Links in Madison, Illinois, making the 2009 NFL DDC weekend the first to be held in two states. Gateway National, on the east banks of the Mississippi River, provides golfers with great views of the St. Louis skyline and the unique sounds of Gateway International Raceway.

The location of the DDC banquet and other activities have not be finalized yet but details are expected to follow in the coming weeks.

On the web:
Pevely Farms Golf Club: www.pevelyfarms.com
Gateway National Golf Links: www.gatewaynational.com

Are you not entertained?!?!?!?

Did you know that ERISA section 407 contains rules about prohibited investments for employee benefits plans? It's true! That section says that employee benefit plans can only hold employer securities and real property as an investment if the fair market value of the securities/real property held in the plan is 10% or less of the fair market value of the total assets of the plan! Crazy, huh? Well now that you know about my day, how are you doing? What? You are really bored and the only reason you came to this site was to relieve your boredom, not increase it? Well I'm soooo sorry. Try this video on for size:



Did that do anything for you? No? Well, how about this:



Okay so that wasn't exactly Christian Bale but I have a lower budget than most blogs out there. Here, I'll try again to entertain you, but this time with a contest. The first one to tell me all of the singers/bands/acts show in this video wins an official Bubba Tunes no-prize.



Look I try and I try to entertain you and get nothing in return. Just be glad that you have Bubba Tunes some people are not so lucky:

NPH Tribute to Doogie

This was just too good not to post:

Nolan Gets A New Driver

Chicago (AP): White House reporters sprinted from Capitol Hill to Chicago today, and it wasn't to cover Michelle Obama's latest coffee break. Still basking in the glow of his and Michael Ostrander's 2009 triumphant 6 and 4 victory at Cog Hill, Matt Nolan was to step up to the podium this morning, and when he did, he dropped an A-Bomb bigger than Hiroshima on the media and the sporting world.

"I got a new driver for Christmas," said Nolan, a knowing grin plastered on his face. "I know that B*tts and I have dominated the NFL-DDC the last few years with me using a driver made in the early 1990s that looks like a five-wood, but Big D*ck Nolan felt I should get a new driver this year anyway. Apologies for the 10 and 8 finish in advance."

The impending lack of competition has even given pause to some of the NFL-DDC's biggest sponsors. "I love the NFL-DDC, but while the Buffalo Bills were a great draw in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, by Super Bowl XXX America just wanted to see someone else," said Phil Knight. "We may scale back our ad buy to $5 or $6 million this year as a result of Nolan's new driver."

Others are apprehensive about the impact of the driver. "He's never used it, right? Will he even be able to make contact with the ball?" asked Jack Nicklaus. "It's not like he's the Golden Bear or anything."

Regardless of whether it helps or hurts, Nolan's gift is sure to put even more pressure than usual on Roush and Stachowiak, who, despite years of humiliation in NFL-DDC play, seem to get further and further from the title each year.

"B*tts and I are almost hoping to lose one of these soon to make it fun again," continued Nolan, before finishing with, "not that we think it's going to ever happen, now - good luck, guys."

Let the NFL DDC Hype Begin

My fellow DDC Participants and Fans:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the missed putts and arrant tee shots let loose in the past. I thank the rest of the DDC committee for their service to our golf tournament, as well as the generosity and cooperation they have shown throughout the years.

Four cities have hosted the NFL DDC and soon a fifth will be added to this most honored list. The tournament has been played during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the competition has been played amidst gathering clouds, raging storms, and deep hangovers. At these moments, the DDC has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those playing the game, as we all know this skill is not that great, but because the fans have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents, the DDC Charter and By-Laws.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of DDC Players.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our short games are at war, against a far-reaching network of wrist breaks and chunking it. Our trouble shots are badly weakened, a consequence of not getting out there and playing on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare our game for hitting it out of the woods opposite handed. Holes have been lost; grips shed; driving ranges shuttered. Our club care is too costly; our golf schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use our mid-irons strengthen our adversaries and threaten our scores.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence in our games — a nagging fear that Roush and Stachowiak’s decline is inevitable, and that they must lower their sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen consistency over power, teamwork and concentration over discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the fat jokes and trying to get the other team drunker, the stale mental games and misplaced psych-out tactics, that for far too long have strangled our game.

We remain a young team, but in the words of Bo, the time has come to become champions. The time has come to reaffirm our golfing dominance; to remember our winning history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that Jim and Mike will become DDC Champions once again.

In reaffirming the greatness of team Roush/Stachowiak, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of 10-8 beat downs and passing fame for winning a the first two holes. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the Tin Cup moments, the makers of putts — some celebrated but more often obscure in their repetitiveness, that has carried us up the long, rugged path towards winning The Birdie.

For us, Jim and Mike packed up their few golf bags and traveled across the Midwest in search of finding their game.

For us, Jim and Mike toiled on driving ranges and putting greens; endured the shanks and lip outs.

For us, Jim and Mike fought and lost, in places like Ann Arbor and Chicago; North Liberty and Hacker Hills.

Time and again these two struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that they might claim a piece of sports history. They saw the DDC as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey they continue today. Stachowiak and Roush remain the most proud, powerful golf duo on Earth. Their drives are no less productive than when this crisis began. Their shot making is no less inventive. Their golfing ability remains undiminished. But their time of standing pat, of protecting narrow one hole leads and putting off aggressive plays — that time has surely passed. Starting today, Jim and Mike must pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and begin again the work of remaking the NFL DDC.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of their putting game calls for action, bold and swift, and they will act — not only to create new range on the green, but to lay a new short game that will provide shorter putts. Jim and Mike will restore themselves to its rightful place DDC history, and wield Titlelist’s wonders to raise ball flight and lower course records. They will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel their decision making and shot selection. And they will transform their tee shots and approach shots to meet the demands of the course. All this Jim and Mike can do. All this they will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of Roush and Stachowiak’s ambitions — who suggest that their game cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this team has already done; what Jim and Mike can achieve when preparation is joined to common purpose, and necessity to go for it over the water.

What Butts and Nolan fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale golf arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether Jim and Mike’s scores are too high or talent too small, but whether it works — whether it helps the team find its way to winning a hole, putts they can sink, a chip that is make-able. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, adjustments will be made to his stance, grip, or follow through.

Nor is the question before us whether the fade is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate good looks at the green and expand shot selection is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the ball can spin out of control — and that the team cannot hold the lead in the DDC long when it favors only the power fade. The success of Jim and Mike’s scoring has always depended not just on the length of their putts, but on the reach of their fairway shots; on their ability to extend opportunity to their next shot — not out of just necessity, but because it is the surest route to their common good.

As for Ostrander and Nolan, we reject as false the choice between Jim and Mike’s victory and their ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers (aka us), faced with nothing to do, drafted a DDC charter to assure the fun of golf and the rights to meet up with each other at least once a year outside of a wedding or football game, a charter expanded by dinners at Outback and Ditka’s. Those ideals still light the tournament, and we will not give them up just because the National Football League Draft Day Classic does not actually occur on the day of the National Football League Draft. And so to all the other peoples and sports fans who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small Indiana village where my father was born: know that the NFL DDC is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of golf at its best, and that Jim and Mike are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier Jim and Mike DDC victories faced wet sand traps and shots that landed on Ann Arbor-Saline not just with Titlelists and Top Flites, but with Slazengers and Maxflis. They understood that their power alone cannot protect their lead, nor does it entitle them to just tee it high and let it fly as they please. Instead, they knew that their power grows through its prudent use; their lead security emanates from the wisdom of their shots, the line of their putts, the tempering qualities of not always letting the big dog eat.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, Jim and Mike can meet those new threats of Nolan’s new Driver and Ostrander’s new weight that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between teammates. Jim and Mike will begin to responsibly leave losing balls in the past, and forge a hard-earned victory in St. Louis.

Against old friends that are former and current foes, Jim and Mike will work tirelessly to lessen the dormie threat, and roll back the specter of another DDC lost. They will not apologize for making Nolan putt it out, nor will they waver in forcing Ostrander to walk the course, and for Team Ostrander/Nolan who to advance their aims by inducing terror by slaughtering par threes, Jim and Mike say to you now that their spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast them, and they will defeat you.

For Roush and Stachowiak know that the patchwork heritage of the DDC is a strength, not a weakness. We are a fake golf tournament of Lawyers and Teachers, Engineers and….a soon to be lawyer. We are shaped by pretty much the same language and culture, drawn from every end of the upper Midwest; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of having our football team go 3-9, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the tradition of calling Ostrander “Buttstrander” shall soon dissolve; that as Michael’s waistline grows smaller, our common Michigan-ity shall reveal itself; and that the NFL DDC must play its role in ushering in a new era of excellent golfing.

To the non-golfing world, we seek a new way forward, based not on mutual interest and but I guess on some kind of mutual respect? To Team Nolan/Ostrander who seeks to sow conflict amongst Team Roush/Stachowiak, or blame their lousy shots on the bird chirping in their backswing — know that the DDC will judge you on what you can recover from, not what you blame. To those who cling to last year’s DDC results, which were garnered through corruption and deceit and the silencing of Roush’s five wood, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but Jim and Mike will extend a hand if you are willing to give up now.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave golfers who, at this very hour, hack away at far-off desert courses in Scottsdale and distant mountain golf resorts. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen legends like Walter Hagen, Bobby Jones, and Ben Hogan whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they had to use real wood woods and did not have Nike as a sponsor, but because they embody the spirit of the game; a willingness to find meaning in breaking par greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation of DDC members — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as Team Roush/Stachowiak can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of their supporters upon which this team relies. It is the kindness to let their husband grab a quick nine before dinner, the selflessness of co-workers to cover for Jim as he sneaks away from the office to work on his flop shot that will finally decide the team’s fate.

Our challenges may be new, as Jim and Mike are used to winning. The instruments with which we meet them may be new because Mike has a new set of irons. But those values upon which Jim and Mike’s success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and getting Team Nolan/Ostrander to implode on the back nine — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout the DDC’s history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of dominance — a recognition, on the part of every member of Team Roush/Stachowiak, that they have duties to themselves, their team, and the world, duties that they do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to the DDC and kicking the snot out of Nolan and Ostrander.

This is the price and the promise of DDC glory.

This is the source of Jim and Mike’s confidence — the knowledge that David Ledbetter calls on us to fix that hitch in our backswings.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent country, and why a man whose father less than ten years ago had Rams season tickets and a newly purchased armada of private jets, can one day a few months from now stand here and be an NFL DDC champion.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of the DDC’s birth, in the mildest of months, a small band of buddies huddled over a bloomin’ onion on the shores of the Huron River. The college was abandoned except for all the students, professors, and employees. Graduation was advancing. The snow was not stained with blood as it was spring and not particularly violent. At a moment when the outcome of our future opportunities to golf together was most in doubt, the father of our golf tournament ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that around the time the NFL draft takes place, when ESPN has Mel Kiper, Jr on for hours and hours...that the golfing buddies, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

NFL DDC, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of 2009, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the fairways and roughs, and endure what bogeys may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the pin and Bo Schembechler’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of overly competitive golf and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the NFL DDC.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (and Mexican Airports)

Who knew that the famous Antonio Banderas-Johnny Depp-Eva Mendes-Salma Hayek-Mickey Rouke-Willem Dafoe-Cheech Marin-Enrique Iglesias collabo might be turn out to be prophesy? According to a report by the U.S. Joint Forces Command on worldwide threats, the Mexican government could rapidly and suddenly collapse because of the threats imposed on the state by violent gangs and drug cartels. In the face of this bad publicity, the Mexican government has ordered its ambassadors and embassies to promote a positive image of Mexico. The result was a Japanese man trying to pull a Tom Hanks:



Mexico is so well loved by visitors they never want to leave...its airports. Apparently the attraction of Mexican airports has reached frenzied heights as people, dolphins, and otters are clammering to get to Mexican airports.





For my money though, nothing beats an airport in the good ol' U.S.A.