Who's Got it Better Than Us?

Answer:  NOOOOOOOOBODY!

Look, I posted something new!  Let's see if this actually turns into a regular thing...

Oh yeah, Greetings to all my fans in China. 

Injustice Continues

ST. LOUIS PROPAGANDA MACHINE IN FULL EFFECT; WARNING TO NFL-DDC FANS AND MEDIA

St. Louis (AP): In what is sure to be a trend in St. Louis' attempts to remain behind Cleveland in the World's Sh*tiest Cities ("WSC") rankings, the St. Louis hype machine this week took over the nation's airwaves and, using digitally enhanced footage, attempted to convince the viewing public that the St. Louis Cardinals had actually won three baseball games in a row against the Chicago Cubs. "If they're willing to do it for the Cubs/Cards, you know they'll try to convince the world that Roush/Stachowiak will have won the NFL-DDC," said Matt Nolan, co-three-time-defending-champion at the NFL-DDC with Mike Ostrander. "I mean, Chris Carpenter pitching five innings? Come on - what's next, Roush or Stachowiak actually shooting in the 80s? At least try to keep it believable, guys."

Fans and external media are warned not to take anything propogated by the St. Louis media as fact, and to keep an eye on the action themselves to confirm that, indeed, pigs aren't flying, and Nolan and Ostrander are once again holding the Birdie.

Traffic on I-55S and I-255W is already reported to be at unprecedented levels, and while some claim that may be tangentially related to the Memorial Day weekend, the "We Brake for Ostrander" bumper stickers are leading most to agree that it's NFL-DDC cars. The College Gameday Live crew, while slightly out of their element, have already set up in the parking lot at Pevely Farms, and that douche with the Wazzu flag is already there, too.

In a last-minute slew of endorsements, Dave Roush, Ram-Diesel, Paul Stachowiak, Big Dick, Lukas Ostrander, Thomas and Tommy, Jun Takayamaguchi, B-Dawggzz and Juggzzzz, That Chick With the Nasty Acne From the Green Lounge, Fritz Crisler's ghost, the guy who bites the bell pepper on the Iron Chef, Bornopos, LeBron James, Joey Harrington, the Dollar Guy, Hello Faz's ghost, the St. Louis Arch, Herky the Hawkeye, Brett Hull, Manny Legace, Lou Brock, Lee Elia, and Kristy Schmitt endorsed Nolan and Ostrander.

Oprah Winfrey and Hideki Tsutsumi endorsed Roush and Stachowiak. Oprah was not available for comment.

MISSING LINK FOSSIL TELLS MORE THAN ORIGINALLY THOUGHT

New York (AP) – Just a day after being released to the public, Ida, the fossil that many paleontologists believe to be the “missing link” in human evolution is providing even more information about early human ancestors and possibly even foreshadowing future events. The AP has discovered this photo, taken onsite when the fossil was dug up.

Although it doesn’t say much about early human sign making skills or creativity, it does show that Mike Roush and Jim Stachowiak have been the DDC’s biggest stars for roughly 47 million years. “It is believed that the scientists who discovered Ida were Nolan and Ostrander fans and didn’t want the rest of Nolan Ostrander Nation to be devastated by the news that Mike and Jim’s popularity reaches back that far” says Jim Litke, the reporter who uncovered these photos. “Although, with the economy hurting, Ida’s foreshadowing of the outcome of this year’s DDC may also have had some involvement in the covering up of these photos.” Regardless, the revelation that early humans were huge Roush Stachowiak fans is expected to give Mike and Jim a big boost heading into this weekend’s competition.

DDC ENDORSEMENTS SURPRISE EXPERTS

SILCON VALLEY, CA (Reuters) -- In a major coup, the world famous blog, Fairly Accurately Rated, has endorsed Team Roush/Stachowiak in the 2009 NFL DDC. A post early this morning praised the team’s effort and resilience despite poor results for the past three years, “While they may not have brought the Birdie home recently, they have stuck to it and fought hard. With the tournament being held in St. Louis, we here at F.A.R. have a good feeling about their chances. Go Jim and Mike!”

The post was removed quickly under mysterious circumstances and hacking may be to blame for the shocking endorsement. On a condition of anonymity a source at F.A.R. had this to say, “F*** those guys. They will not win this golf tournament.”

Today has marked a significant increase in public figures endorsing the teams. Here they are:

Roush/Stachowiak:

Rich Rodriguez, Lloyd Carr, the Family of Bo Schembechler, the Pope, Barack Obama, Jud Heathcote, The estates of Adolf Hitler, Woody Hayes, and Sadaam Hussein, the ghosts of Pontius Pilate and Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Bento Mussolini, The Iron Sheik, King King Bundy, Sid, and The Powers of Pain.

Nolan/Ostrander

Dave Bing, Jim Tressel, Mark Dantonio, Gargamel, the Shredder, Kang, Skeletor, the forces of Cobra, Lex Luthor, The Joker, Bernie Madoff, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Mullah Omar, and the H1N1 virus.

Vice President Joe Biden has thrown his support behind Ben Hogan winning the tournament even though Mr. Hogan has been dead for 12 years.

As the tournament gets closer further endorsements are bound to become public and it is hoped that law enforcement officials from around the world will be there to arrest, capture, or kill most of those making endorsements.

NIKE ANNOUNCES CONTINUED PARTNERSHIP WITH NFL DDC

Beaverton, OR (AP) – With just under three weeks remaining until the NFL DDC golf tournament in St. Louis, MO, sporting goods giant Nike has announced that the company will continue providing golf balls for the legendary event. Like years past, Nike does not hold exclusivity rights for all golf balls used in the tournament; however, a stipulation in the contract guarantees that all putts must be made using the official NFL DDC golf ball designed by Nike. Failure to use the agreed upon ball is said to result in a penalty, however, the NFL DDC competitors seem to be at odds over the severity of the penalty. DDC legend and 3-time defending champion Matt Nolan suggests that the rule is clear. “Two stroke penalty. That’s the rule. Also, I thought it was funny to say two stroke.” Perennial DDC runner-up, Mike Roush laments the rule, claiming, “If Jim Stachowiak misses a putt using a Srixon, Titlest, or Slazenger, why does it matter what ball he is using? Isn’t my partner’s bad putting penalty enough for our team?” Like much of the rules following the tournament, the use of the Nike ball for putting seems to be steeped in tradition, more than reality. According to lovable loser Jim Stachowiak, “I like the rule. I think it is classic.” When asked to what rule he was referring, and to define the particulars of the rule, Stachowiak responded, “All of them. All of the rules are classic. It’s the NFL DDC, baby! It’s a tradition unlike any other. That’s the rule.” As the date of the tournament approaches, speculation continues to swirl regarding illegal pre-tournament play on the official golf course, Pevely Farms. DDC champion Michael Ostrander touched on the topic, saying, “I’m sure that Jim and Mike have played the course. In fact, I hope they have. We could be playing on a course designed by Jim, with remote control balls operated by Mike, and Team Nolan/Ostrander would still win The Birdie.” With all players firmly into their pre-tournament routine, the excitement is sure to heat up in the next couple of weeks. Speaking on behalf of Nike, CEO Mark Parker wished all of the competitors good luck, saying, “Nike is pleased to continue our partnership with the NFL DDC. This year, we look forward to the elimination of bush-league tactics, such as the use of Karma, and encourage the players to get their Mojo working in an effort to win the prestigious trophy, The Birdie.” As Parker was leaving, he was seen placing a bet on Nolan/Ostrander to win the NFL DDC for a record 4^th consecutive year.

SOUTER RETIRES CITING NEED TO FOCUS ON DDC

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) – Justice David Souter has announced that he will retire from the Supreme Court. Asked why he has decided to retire, Souter said, “Well I have spent enough time on the bench doing this and that but it is time for me to do something really important, heading the NFL DDC rules committee.”

“While I respect Souter’s choice to retire, the position of head rules official is not just his to take,” stated long time DDC member and rule breaker Matt Nolan, “He will have to go through the same application and vetting process as everyone else.”

Souter, appointed by George H. W. Bush, but leaned moderate to liberal in his decisions said he will do whatever it takes to be an official part of the DDC.

“Look, I’ll do anything to get the position. You want more guns? Great, have more guns. You want more civil liberties and personal freedom from the government? I will write a judicial order granting whatever the hell you want, just give me the damn job.”

Stay tuned for further developments on this breaking story.

Official 2009 NFL DDC Players' Itinerary

Friday:
8 PM – TBD: Arrive at el apartment de Roush
TBD: Couples vs. Couples Laser Tag in U City
TBD: Hitting Lumiere Place for some rehash of the infamous Ostrander Bachelor Party
TBD: A quick bite at the Courtesy Diner for some world famous “Slingers”
Later: 1st ever NFL DDC Par Three Contest under the Lights at Tower Tee
Later: Sleep

Saturday:
7:14 AM: Pro-Am Tee Off at Gateway National Golf Club
Noon: Lunch at Fast Eddie’s Bon-Air
1 pm: Feed the goats at Grant’s Farm
2 pm: Tour of Schlafly Brewery
2:15 pm: Brew own beer at Schlafly Bottleworks
5:00 pm: SUIT UP!!! –Water Park at Six Flags
8:00 pm: Dinner at Hardee’s
9:00 pm: Drinks at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse
10:00 pm: Desserts at Bailey’s Chocolate Bar
Midnight: Round 2 of the 1st ever NFL DDC Par Three Contest Under the Lights at Tower Tee
2 am: Drinks at Hooter’s

Sunday:
7:00 am: Mass
8:08 am: Tee off at Pevely Farms
1 pm: Lunch/Viewing of Terminator Salvation at Moolah Theatre and Bowling Alley
4pm: Updated Mike Roush Reality Tour
5pm: Official DDC Charity Event: Pan-handling at the corner of Grand and Garfield Ave
6:30 pm: Official DDC Photo at Busch Stadium under the 2006 World Championship Flag.
10 pm: NFL DDC Banquet at Pujols Five Restaurant
Midnight: Dave and Buster’s until we puke.

Monday:
Morning: Get the hell out of Missouri

SPECTER CHANGES ALLIANCES

Washington DC (AP) – Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter shocked the nation this afternoon by switching his loyalties. At a press conference announcing his switch from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party, Pen. Senator Arlen Specter made waves by also announcing that he would no longer be supporting Roush/Stachowiak in the DDC. The longtime supporter had this to say, “Whereas Mike and Jim at one time represented what I stood for, I find myself much more aligned with Nolan and Ostrander.” This surprising flip flop proves what many DDC fans have thought for a long time, Specter is a bandwagon hopping nut job. Michael Steele, RNC Chairman and Roush/Stachowiak supporter had this to say “We don’t want that bandwagon jumping nut job on our side for the DDC or in the Senate. He’s fallen in love with the flavor of the month in Nolan/Ostrander and President Obama. In the Roush/Stachowiak camp and in the GOP we are only interested in people who are true to their principals and that is certainly not Sen. Specter.” More to follow on this breaking story.

DDC Officials Not Concerned About Swine Flu Fears

Cuidad de Mexico (AP) -- While the deadly outbreak of the swine flu has spread over the Mexico border into the United States, officials are not concerned about its possible affect on the usually high turn out at the NFL DDC.

"We have been getting updates on the situation every hour for the last few days and unless something changes, we are going forward as planned." said Michael Roush, the host of this year's DDC event.

There have been no reported cases of the swine flu in St. Louis, where this year's DDC will take place, but people have been infected by the virus in neighboring Kansas.

"We are aware of the situation in Kansas but the CDC has told us there is no reason to think it will spread to St. Louis given the increased precautions all federal agencies are taking in preparation of the DDC." reported DDC legend Michael Ostrander.

Resources from federal, state, and local agencies have been preparing for over two years for the 2009 DDC and agents from the CDC, FEMA, FBI, ATF, CIA, OMB, NIOSH, OSHA, NLRB, CTU, NSA, NASA, EPA, and the Boy Scouts of America have created a vitrual fortress in St. Louis and are reported to be ready for any possible attack, natural disaster, civil unrest, or epidemic that has any real or perceived possibility of happening before or during the world famous golf event.

"Of course any event as large and important as the DDC will be targeted and we have received threats from your typical nutjobs but I haven't lost one bit of sleep over the safety of the our fans or anyone else." said Matt Nolan. "My only real concern is slicing my drives into the woods."

Jim Stachowiak continued the upbeat message, "Swine flu, avian flu, equestrian flu, bovine flu, who gives a [excrement]? I am going after the Birdie come hell or high water."

DDC Hope Springs Eternal

Saint Louis (AP) – As the media blitz surrounding Earth Day slowly winds down, news outlets across the globe are sending the best reporters to the great American city, Saint Louis, Missouri. Having thoroughly covered the melting icecaps, the deforested forests, and the mighty rivers that have run dry leaving giant scars across the lands and causing wide spread famine, death, and war, the media elite have started to focus on what is really important: the National Football League Draft Day Classic.

Every year on, or in the few months surrounding, the NFL Draft, the world’s greatest golfing event takes place somewhere in the Midwest. While the true origins of the NFL DDC have been lost in the ether of history, the legend has it that this most elite of all sporting traditions was forged from the fires of the most competitive competition, the most challenging challenges, and some golfers golfing.

We do know the first NFL DDC took place in the sleepy college town of Ann Arbor, Michigan when a few students decided to take a break from studying for finals and hit the links while the weather allowed. While the golf had to be played, knowing who the Detroit Lions selected in the draft was also of utmost importance to the band of hackers out there on those MacKenzie-ian hills of Washtenaw County. Through the miracle of wireless communication, and the recent banning of roaming charges, word of the Lions selection was passed to the foursome whilst they were preparing to tee off.

Since that first DDC there have been traditions that have come—the Birdie—and gone—the traditional post-round Outback run but the tradition lives on. The DDC has been held in such far away lands as western Ann Arbor, the Chicagoland area, and the outskirts of North Liberty but never before, in neither time nor distance, has the DDC been so far away from that mysterious first DDC.

At the beginning of the 20^th century Saint Louis was the fourth largest city in the nation. Hosting the both the World’s Fair and the Olympic Games in 1904, the city’s future was very bright indeed. But as the century continued and year after year passed without being able to host the DDC, St. Louis fell into decline. By the 1960s people thought the city would never host the DDC and many fled to the suburbs, to other cities, or simply disappeared. Crime and lousy fashion trends took control. The bell bottomed jeans, huge lapels, and puffed out hair styles were attempts to distract everyone’s attention from the one horrible and unavoidable fact staring the populous in their weary, disillusioned eyes: the DDC was but a dream.

But as Walter Sobchak once said while paraphrasing Theodore Herzl, “If you will it, dude, it is no dream.” The city started small. To help regain its hope it hosted the 1992 PGA Championship. Nick Price, the winner of that tournament, said “Saint Louis is a terrific venue for golf events and if they keep things up, one day, just maybe, they will be able to host the DDC.” It was this memorable quote from the winner’s podium that galvanized the city. Citizens started caring again. The push was on. The city attracted the Rams from Los Angeles to prove it was relevant in any NFL DDC discussion. Downtown revitalization projects began en masse to make space for the throngs of people that were sure to come with any DDC visit. Entire warehouse districts were transformed from vacant shells into hotels, office buildings, and trendy lofts. Businesses moved from the county and parts unknown hoping to one day be part of the DDC experience.

To help better prepare to host such an important and meaningful event as the DDC, the city played host to Pope John Paul II in 1999. On his two day visit to the city, the Pontiff declared the city was spiritually ready to be honored with the DDC. To ensure the city could withstand the celebrations that would accompany the DDC the Rams won the Super Bowl in 2000 and the Cardinals won the World Series in 2006. These two victories represented a victory lap for the city. The infrastructure was there. The spiritual awakening had taken place. Finally, the sports enthusiasm was in full force as well.

When people around the country talk of the economic downturn, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the resurgence of old threats in Russia and China, they do so only because they have forgotten about the DDC. Barack Obama was swept into the White House by a wave of popular support looking for hope and change. The people did not realize that the hope and change they needed could not be found in political promises. The hope and change they need can only be found in the pageantry and glory of the DDC.

It is the sound of titanium composite striking balata. The radiantly green fairways. The perfect recovery shot after launching a drive into the trees. The excitement of going for it over the water hazard protecting the green. The strategic planning of each hole. The gamesmanship of making the other side putt it out. The thrill of sinking a forty foot putt to stymie the match. The hoisting of the Birdie, with its bronze shining in the sun. These are the things that will give the people hope and will inspire them to create the change they for which they are so desperately searching. The American people may have forgotten this but they will remember.

The NFL DDC, ladies and gentlemen, it truly and unmistakably is the tradition unlike any other.

IT’S DRAFT WEEKEND, WHERE’S THE DDC HYPE?

New York – It seems as though something is missing this year. As sports fans, most of the things that we use to mark the beginning of spring Opening Day, the Masters, The Final Four have all came and went as expected. This weekend the NFL takes center stage with its NFL Draft, but the weekend doesn’t seem complete and that is because for the third straight year, the NFLDDC will not be competed on draft day. At least for the last couple of years, by this time, the hype machine was in full effect and fans knew what to look forward to. This year, however, for unexplained reasons, all we know is that the DDC has been moved back to Memorial Day weekend and that it will be held in St. Louis. Why has there not been more hype this year? Many theories abound. Many Nolan/Ostrander fans seem uninterested, they’ve been spoiled much like Piston fans over the last couple of years. Roush/Stachowiak fans have had their heart broken too many times and some think that many have not recovered from a late par five last year that looked to be a turning point until Ostrander closed the door with the most clutch birdie putt in DDC history. Others think that current events might play a larger role. Did President Obama suggesting that the DDC should spread the wealth around by allowing anyone who wants to participate and just sharing “The Birdie” as if it were a tee ball trophy damper some of the excitement this year? Is the lack of corporate sponsorship from AIG affecting this years’ event? Some even go so far as to say that with Ostrander and Stachowiak’s Detroit Lions holding the first pick in the draft more focus is on the future of that franchise. Regardless of the reason, expect the buildup to start soon, expect one of the greatest DDC’s yet, and expect the fact that the Lions and the Rams hold the first two picks in the actual draft to be a good omen for Roush and Stachowiak.

Starting to Talk the Talk

We will see...we will see.

In other news: GO BLUE!!

PEVELY FARMS NAMED HOST COURSE OF THE 2009 NFL DDC COURSE

(AP) – ST. LOUIS –Pevely Farms Golf Club in Eureka, Missouri has been officially chosen to host the 2009 NFL Draft Day Classic this Memorial Day weekend. Internet bloggers have long speculated as to the secret location of the 2009 DDC while the rest of the world tried to figure out if there was such a thing as a non-internet blogger. It was decided there was not.

Nestled in the Meramec River Valley just outside St. Louis, Pevely Farms is known for its scenic views, rolling hills, and challenging holes. While the scenery may be new to the competitors of the DDC, they should feel somewhat at home as Pevely Farms was designed by Arthur Hills, the architect behind building former DDC host course , Stonebridge Golf Club, and the renovations to former DDC hose courses, the University of Michigan Golf Course and Leslie Park.

Pevely Farms offers both shot makers and long drivers a unique challenge. The front nine is set up links style and requires pin point accuracy and smart decision making. The back nine takes advantage of the valley’s rolling hills and forest and makes for an intimidating round of golf.

“I am excited we finally know where we are going to retain the Birdie.” Boasted Matt Nolan, upon hearing the news. “Pevely Farms, Old MacDonald’s Farm, State Farm, it doesn’t matter. We will dominate anywhere.”

When asked about his partner’s confidence, Michael Ostrander only replied, “Nolan, Nolan, Nolan,” while shaking his head.

When Ostrander was asked about the course, he said, “Oh, I love the decision. Being from West Michigan I am used to rolling hills and playing in the woods. I welcome the challenge Pevely presents. On a different subject, I would like to remind people that I have lost weight and they can’t make fun of that any more in news articles in the lead up to the DDC.”

Ostrander then picked up his five gallon container of potato salad he was eating and left to pick up his order at KFC.

“While I don’t know much about the course, I can say that Pevely makes some damn fine milk and dairy products.” Said Jim Stachowiak. “I can’t wait to get down there and win back the Birdie.”

It was also revealed that the 2009 NFL DDC Pro-Am would be hosted by Gateway National Golf Links in Madison, Illinois, making the 2009 NFL DDC weekend the first to be held in two states. Gateway National, on the east banks of the Mississippi River, provides golfers with great views of the St. Louis skyline and the unique sounds of Gateway International Raceway.

The location of the DDC banquet and other activities have not be finalized yet but details are expected to follow in the coming weeks.

On the web:
Pevely Farms Golf Club: www.pevelyfarms.com
Gateway National Golf Links: www.gatewaynational.com

Are you not entertained?!?!?!?

Did you know that ERISA section 407 contains rules about prohibited investments for employee benefits plans? It's true! That section says that employee benefit plans can only hold employer securities and real property as an investment if the fair market value of the securities/real property held in the plan is 10% or less of the fair market value of the total assets of the plan! Crazy, huh? Well now that you know about my day, how are you doing? What? You are really bored and the only reason you came to this site was to relieve your boredom, not increase it? Well I'm soooo sorry. Try this video on for size:



Did that do anything for you? No? Well, how about this:



Okay so that wasn't exactly Christian Bale but I have a lower budget than most blogs out there. Here, I'll try again to entertain you, but this time with a contest. The first one to tell me all of the singers/bands/acts show in this video wins an official Bubba Tunes no-prize.



Look I try and I try to entertain you and get nothing in return. Just be glad that you have Bubba Tunes some people are not so lucky:

NPH Tribute to Doogie

This was just too good not to post:

Nolan Gets A New Driver

Chicago (AP): White House reporters sprinted from Capitol Hill to Chicago today, and it wasn't to cover Michelle Obama's latest coffee break. Still basking in the glow of his and Michael Ostrander's 2009 triumphant 6 and 4 victory at Cog Hill, Matt Nolan was to step up to the podium this morning, and when he did, he dropped an A-Bomb bigger than Hiroshima on the media and the sporting world.

"I got a new driver for Christmas," said Nolan, a knowing grin plastered on his face. "I know that B*tts and I have dominated the NFL-DDC the last few years with me using a driver made in the early 1990s that looks like a five-wood, but Big D*ck Nolan felt I should get a new driver this year anyway. Apologies for the 10 and 8 finish in advance."

The impending lack of competition has even given pause to some of the NFL-DDC's biggest sponsors. "I love the NFL-DDC, but while the Buffalo Bills were a great draw in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, by Super Bowl XXX America just wanted to see someone else," said Phil Knight. "We may scale back our ad buy to $5 or $6 million this year as a result of Nolan's new driver."

Others are apprehensive about the impact of the driver. "He's never used it, right? Will he even be able to make contact with the ball?" asked Jack Nicklaus. "It's not like he's the Golden Bear or anything."

Regardless of whether it helps or hurts, Nolan's gift is sure to put even more pressure than usual on Roush and Stachowiak, who, despite years of humiliation in NFL-DDC play, seem to get further and further from the title each year.

"B*tts and I are almost hoping to lose one of these soon to make it fun again," continued Nolan, before finishing with, "not that we think it's going to ever happen, now - good luck, guys."

Let the NFL DDC Hype Begin

My fellow DDC Participants and Fans:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the missed putts and arrant tee shots let loose in the past. I thank the rest of the DDC committee for their service to our golf tournament, as well as the generosity and cooperation they have shown throughout the years.

Four cities have hosted the NFL DDC and soon a fifth will be added to this most honored list. The tournament has been played during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the competition has been played amidst gathering clouds, raging storms, and deep hangovers. At these moments, the DDC has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those playing the game, as we all know this skill is not that great, but because the fans have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents, the DDC Charter and By-Laws.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of DDC Players.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our short games are at war, against a far-reaching network of wrist breaks and chunking it. Our trouble shots are badly weakened, a consequence of not getting out there and playing on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare our game for hitting it out of the woods opposite handed. Holes have been lost; grips shed; driving ranges shuttered. Our club care is too costly; our golf schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use our mid-irons strengthen our adversaries and threaten our scores.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence in our games — a nagging fear that Roush and Stachowiak’s decline is inevitable, and that they must lower their sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen consistency over power, teamwork and concentration over discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the fat jokes and trying to get the other team drunker, the stale mental games and misplaced psych-out tactics, that for far too long have strangled our game.

We remain a young team, but in the words of Bo, the time has come to become champions. The time has come to reaffirm our golfing dominance; to remember our winning history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that Jim and Mike will become DDC Champions once again.

In reaffirming the greatness of team Roush/Stachowiak, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of 10-8 beat downs and passing fame for winning a the first two holes. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the Tin Cup moments, the makers of putts — some celebrated but more often obscure in their repetitiveness, that has carried us up the long, rugged path towards winning The Birdie.

For us, Jim and Mike packed up their few golf bags and traveled across the Midwest in search of finding their game.

For us, Jim and Mike toiled on driving ranges and putting greens; endured the shanks and lip outs.

For us, Jim and Mike fought and lost, in places like Ann Arbor and Chicago; North Liberty and Hacker Hills.

Time and again these two struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that they might claim a piece of sports history. They saw the DDC as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey they continue today. Stachowiak and Roush remain the most proud, powerful golf duo on Earth. Their drives are no less productive than when this crisis began. Their shot making is no less inventive. Their golfing ability remains undiminished. But their time of standing pat, of protecting narrow one hole leads and putting off aggressive plays — that time has surely passed. Starting today, Jim and Mike must pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and begin again the work of remaking the NFL DDC.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of their putting game calls for action, bold and swift, and they will act — not only to create new range on the green, but to lay a new short game that will provide shorter putts. Jim and Mike will restore themselves to its rightful place DDC history, and wield Titlelist’s wonders to raise ball flight and lower course records. They will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel their decision making and shot selection. And they will transform their tee shots and approach shots to meet the demands of the course. All this Jim and Mike can do. All this they will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of Roush and Stachowiak’s ambitions — who suggest that their game cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this team has already done; what Jim and Mike can achieve when preparation is joined to common purpose, and necessity to go for it over the water.

What Butts and Nolan fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale golf arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether Jim and Mike’s scores are too high or talent too small, but whether it works — whether it helps the team find its way to winning a hole, putts they can sink, a chip that is make-able. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, adjustments will be made to his stance, grip, or follow through.

Nor is the question before us whether the fade is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate good looks at the green and expand shot selection is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the ball can spin out of control — and that the team cannot hold the lead in the DDC long when it favors only the power fade. The success of Jim and Mike’s scoring has always depended not just on the length of their putts, but on the reach of their fairway shots; on their ability to extend opportunity to their next shot — not out of just necessity, but because it is the surest route to their common good.

As for Ostrander and Nolan, we reject as false the choice between Jim and Mike’s victory and their ideals. Our founding fathers ... our found fathers (aka us), faced with nothing to do, drafted a DDC charter to assure the fun of golf and the rights to meet up with each other at least once a year outside of a wedding or football game, a charter expanded by dinners at Outback and Ditka’s. Those ideals still light the tournament, and we will not give them up just because the National Football League Draft Day Classic does not actually occur on the day of the National Football League Draft. And so to all the other peoples and sports fans who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small Indiana village where my father was born: know that the NFL DDC is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of golf at its best, and that Jim and Mike are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier Jim and Mike DDC victories faced wet sand traps and shots that landed on Ann Arbor-Saline not just with Titlelists and Top Flites, but with Slazengers and Maxflis. They understood that their power alone cannot protect their lead, nor does it entitle them to just tee it high and let it fly as they please. Instead, they knew that their power grows through its prudent use; their lead security emanates from the wisdom of their shots, the line of their putts, the tempering qualities of not always letting the big dog eat.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, Jim and Mike can meet those new threats of Nolan’s new Driver and Ostrander’s new weight that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between teammates. Jim and Mike will begin to responsibly leave losing balls in the past, and forge a hard-earned victory in St. Louis.

Against old friends that are former and current foes, Jim and Mike will work tirelessly to lessen the dormie threat, and roll back the specter of another DDC lost. They will not apologize for making Nolan putt it out, nor will they waver in forcing Ostrander to walk the course, and for Team Ostrander/Nolan who to advance their aims by inducing terror by slaughtering par threes, Jim and Mike say to you now that their spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast them, and they will defeat you.

For Roush and Stachowiak know that the patchwork heritage of the DDC is a strength, not a weakness. We are a fake golf tournament of Lawyers and Teachers, Engineers and….a soon to be lawyer. We are shaped by pretty much the same language and culture, drawn from every end of the upper Midwest; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of having our football team go 3-9, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the tradition of calling Ostrander “Buttstrander” shall soon dissolve; that as Michael’s waistline grows smaller, our common Michigan-ity shall reveal itself; and that the NFL DDC must play its role in ushering in a new era of excellent golfing.

To the non-golfing world, we seek a new way forward, based not on mutual interest and but I guess on some kind of mutual respect? To Team Nolan/Ostrander who seeks to sow conflict amongst Team Roush/Stachowiak, or blame their lousy shots on the bird chirping in their backswing — know that the DDC will judge you on what you can recover from, not what you blame. To those who cling to last year’s DDC results, which were garnered through corruption and deceit and the silencing of Roush’s five wood, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but Jim and Mike will extend a hand if you are willing to give up now.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave golfers who, at this very hour, hack away at far-off desert courses in Scottsdale and distant mountain golf resorts. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen legends like Walter Hagen, Bobby Jones, and Ben Hogan whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they had to use real wood woods and did not have Nike as a sponsor, but because they embody the spirit of the game; a willingness to find meaning in breaking par greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation of DDC members — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as Team Roush/Stachowiak can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of their supporters upon which this team relies. It is the kindness to let their husband grab a quick nine before dinner, the selflessness of co-workers to cover for Jim as he sneaks away from the office to work on his flop shot that will finally decide the team’s fate.

Our challenges may be new, as Jim and Mike are used to winning. The instruments with which we meet them may be new because Mike has a new set of irons. But those values upon which Jim and Mike’s success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and getting Team Nolan/Ostrander to implode on the back nine — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout the DDC’s history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of dominance — a recognition, on the part of every member of Team Roush/Stachowiak, that they have duties to themselves, their team, and the world, duties that they do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to the DDC and kicking the snot out of Nolan and Ostrander.

This is the price and the promise of DDC glory.

This is the source of Jim and Mike’s confidence — the knowledge that David Ledbetter calls on us to fix that hitch in our backswings.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent country, and why a man whose father less than ten years ago had Rams season tickets and a newly purchased armada of private jets, can one day a few months from now stand here and be an NFL DDC champion.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of the DDC’s birth, in the mildest of months, a small band of buddies huddled over a bloomin’ onion on the shores of the Huron River. The college was abandoned except for all the students, professors, and employees. Graduation was advancing. The snow was not stained with blood as it was spring and not particularly violent. At a moment when the outcome of our future opportunities to golf together was most in doubt, the father of our golf tournament ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that around the time the NFL draft takes place, when ESPN has Mel Kiper, Jr on for hours and hours...that the golfing buddies, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it)."

NFL DDC, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of 2009, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the fairways and roughs, and endure what bogeys may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the pin and Bo Schembechler’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of overly competitive golf and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the NFL DDC.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (and Mexican Airports)

Who knew that the famous Antonio Banderas-Johnny Depp-Eva Mendes-Salma Hayek-Mickey Rouke-Willem Dafoe-Cheech Marin-Enrique Iglesias collabo might be turn out to be prophesy? According to a report by the U.S. Joint Forces Command on worldwide threats, the Mexican government could rapidly and suddenly collapse because of the threats imposed on the state by violent gangs and drug cartels. In the face of this bad publicity, the Mexican government has ordered its ambassadors and embassies to promote a positive image of Mexico. The result was a Japanese man trying to pull a Tom Hanks:



Mexico is so well loved by visitors they never want to leave...its airports. Apparently the attraction of Mexican airports has reached frenzied heights as people, dolphins, and otters are clammering to get to Mexican airports.





For my money though, nothing beats an airport in the good ol' U.S.A.

Posting is tougher than it looks.

So I haven't posted in forever and really you shouldn't consider this a post as all I am doing is giving you notice that I probably won't be posting much until after exams. I know you need your entertainment but I need to fill my brain with a semester's worth of legal knowledge and then vomit it back in a few exams. In the meantime, entertain yourself with the new poll, the new Bubbatunes song of the day, and with Thanksgiving. Enjoy and see you soon.

We Jobbed Ourselves

Well I have let it go long enough. If you haven't been able to tell by now the University of Michigan football team has been going through a bit of a rough patch. So far this year we have lost to Utah, Notre Dame, Illinois, and Toledo. We could have beat Utah, we should have beaten Notre Dame, we had no chance against Illinois, and we completely blew it against Toledo. Now my wife has told her friends that as far as she can tell a Michigan fan will never tell you that they lost a football game. Instead, she says, a Michigan fan will always say that they were "jobbed." Until this year this has been true.

In over 125 years of Michigan football, we have never lost a game but have been jobbed hundreds of times. This year though we have went from getting jobbed to getting beat...by ourselves. Michigan's record this year is 2-4. That is two wins and four "should have won but we beat ourselves, the other team had nothing to do with it."

The first loss was to Utah and was the first game of the year in a new system, with a new coach, with pretty much completely new players. Had it not been for opening game jitters (and an extremely luck 53 yard field goal) we would have won that game handily.

The second loss was at Notre Dame where we should have won but we turned the ball over at least 7,592 times and Notre Dame cheated.

The third loss was against Illinois. Juice Williams had record stats but let's be honest, shall we? Michigan beat themselves by not building a time machine, going back to 1998 and convincing a young Juice Williams to focus on baseball.

The fourth loss was against Toledo and it was obvious from the start that Michigan was just nervous against playing the powerful Rocket team and made a bunch of mental mistakes. Had they locked it up they would have won. (They only allowed Toledo's offense score 6 points.)

So as you can see Michigan record of never getting beat by the other team is still intact. Looking ahead the Michigan schedule looks promising:

at Penn State (cakewalk)
Michigan State (bow down little brother)
at Purdue ("Boiler Up?" More like " Boiler down!")
at Minnesota (Brown Jug stays put. Period.)
Northwestern (This might be a tester.)
at Ohio State (tOSU can go to hell.)

In other news, read this article for an extremely in-depth and intriguing look at America's food supply and potential problems that will face the country in the very near future.

Also read this article because some things just never get old.

Will Wife Play in Peoria? Judge Thinks So.

Everyone stand and give a hearty ovation to my wife who just accepted a judicial clerkship position for a federal judge in Peoria, Illinois. Yey! Yey! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! We will not be unemployed and destitute this time next year! Seriously, it is a great position in a great town that may be dangerously close to Cubs territory but closer to St. Louis so I can still get my Cardinals fix in whenever I want. (Plus it may even get the Big Ten Network so I can watch Michigan crap until the cows come home.)

Since the wife has a job, now I have find one, so if you are in Peoria and need to hire a brilliant and accomplished lawyer then I am your man. Now I can just sit back and wait for the offers to come rolling in....

And now your funny video lifted from somewhere else for the day:

Video Overload!!!! (Post Wisconsin Victory Edition)

So a couple of things until you get lost in the fabulous world of viral videos:
1. Michigan had the worst half of football ever played but rallied back from a 19-0 deficit to beat Wisconsin. Go us!
2. Baseball is officially over for the Cardinals. Boo.
3. Scott Linehan has been fired. Great now fire everyone else in the organization and we may start to get somewhere.
4. Posting once a week is lame, I know, but at least it is better than what is happening over at but awesome takes practice. (Quantity-wise, not quality-wise.)
5. The lizard video only makes since if you realize that the audio came from someone that was in a closet and drunk or high at the time. His friend then put the audio track to computer animation.
6. The history lesson is surprising accurate as far as the actual facts go but in reality Alexander Hamilton was not as pure as Michael Cera makes him out to be. The real Hamilton had an affair with Maria Reynolds and her husband blackmailed Hamilton. This affair is partially what prompted the duel with Aaron Burr but I will leave you to research that yourself.
7. Bubba Tunes does not condone the over consumption of alcohol or the taking of illegal drugs.

See more Michael Cera videos at Funny or Die

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Random Thoughts

Here is a collection of random points that could each be their own post but I have been lazy as far as blogging is concerned so I am taking the lame way out and doing it bullet point style.

1. The computer animated The Incredibles is totally and completely a copy of the classic "graphic novel" Watchmen. I know that Watchmen came out in in 1985 and I am way behind the boat on this one but I just read it for the first time this weekend and realized that The Incredibles, while still very good, is a dumbed down, Disney-ification, kiddie version of Watchmen.

2. As a partial owner of AIG I expect the checks to start flowing into my mailbox any moment....any moment...

3. Damn Notre Dame. Damn fumbles. Damn Damning Damn.

4. It is officially fall and it is still 82 degrees out. Now we had a very mild summer and for that I am thankful but we are 4 games into the college football season and I am still wearing shorts. What the hell gives? I know global warming and El Nino are probably the culprits but I checked the blogs and apparently the higher temperatures for this time of year have been caused by Rich Rodriguez. If you go to any WVU website the comments all indicate that Coach Rod is the devil and as such he must have left the door to hell open and letting all the heat into our world.

5. Damn that Notre Dame. Damn gift touchdowns. Damn Dammers.

6. So the new fall seasons are starting on television so I am really getting amped up for my two favorite shows, 24 and Lost...What's that?...They don't start until January?.....mother fu....moving on.

7. Damn Cubs. Damn Carey Buck Bottle. Damn Nolan. One time! I want to win that damn stupid trophy once! Damn it. Damn Damn Damn.

8. So take a look at this:

and then, of course,

(This is where I would post a picture of me and my wife but due to international copyright laws and the fact that I don't know all of you people reading this thing I am not going to put it up.) So what do Mike Comrie, Tom Brady, and I all have in common? We all went to the University of Michigan at the same time, we are all winners, and we all have some pretty nice looking babes on our side. This is where the comparisons end unfortunately as they both have looks and pretty lucrative jobs themselves.

9. I am taking the following classes this semester: State and Local Government, Real Estate Transactions, Environmental Law, American Legal History, Business Associations, and I am doing some directed research for a professor. Here are the classes I have on Thursday: State and Local Government, Real Estate Transactions, Environmental Law, American Legal History, Business Associations and I am doing some directed research for a professor. Here are my classes on Friday: _______.

10. Ryder Cup = Ours. As someone once said, "This is America and that is Kentucky and I will be damned if we are going to lose to a group of European nancies in Kentucky!" (That some one was me.)

11. Damn Notre Dame bastards. Damn Damn Damn.

New Look Bubba Tunes

Yeah, so I changed the look of this, the most read ever, blog.

I don't know how to really create my own look so I just used a template the good folks at Blogger had already created. I like the look better over all but I am mad that the Michigan countdown doesn't really fit all that well in any of the templates. Oh well, you can see the opponent and the clock and that is all you really need anyway.

In other news there are reports that Lance Armstrong is going to be making a come back and compete in a few tournaments including the 2009 Tour de France. If these reports are correct Luke is probably already in France staking out his spot on the Alpe d'Huez. Livestrong Luke, Livestrong. If the reports are not correct then put the gun down Luke, put the gun down.

10 Years + 70 Home Runs = Question Mark?

How about that for a title of a post? It is full of symbolism and randomness yet still makes a point. A very stale and transparent point but a point none the less.

It's been ten years:



The problem is it has only been a little over three years since this:



As a long time Cardinals fan and an even bigger baseball fan I can remember Mark McGwire's 62nd home run and the rest of the summer of 1998 vividly. On September 8, 1998 I was driving home from working as a bagger at a local grocery store. Mike Shannon and Jack Buck were on KMOX describing the Cardinals-Cubs game and I was probably breaking every state and local traffic law trying to get home in time to get in front of a television. I flew into the driveway, left my car out, ran into the house, flipped on the kitchen television, and as soon as the screen turned on McGwire hit number 62. It was a moment I will never forget.

Fast forward a little less then seven years to St. Patrick's Day 2005. I was on lunch break from work and decided to eat at a local barbecue place that had televisions on the wall. Usually the televisions had some baseball game on but this day they were all tuned to C-SPAN for the Congressional hearings on steroid use in baseball. At the center of it all was Mark McGwire. Sure others were there giving testimony, Rafael Palmareo, Curt Shilling, Jose Canseco, and others, but it was McGwire everyone would be talking about later. Up until that time nobody would admit that there was something wrong with the summer of 1998. It had, after all, brought baseball back to life after the devastating impact of the 1994 strike but after McGwire dodged question after question the blinders everyone had so willingly put on themselves were finally removed. When McGwire said "I'm not here to talk about the past" the past was forever changed. We were all hoping McGwire would lay things to rest once and for all and just say, "I know that bastard Sammy Sosa was on the juice but I never touched the stuff. Jose Canseco can rot in hell. Damn his lies. Damn his lies to hell. To Hell with him and his damned lies that I damned to hell just a second earlier." But he didn't and we all knew the truth.

Time, they say, heals all wounds but it appears Mr. McGwire still has some waiting to do. When he retired after the 2001 season everyone knew he was going to be a first ballot Hall of Famer. He had the single season home run record and was fifth on the all time list. Add in a World Series ring and even a Gold Glove it was a no doubter. But after being eligible for two years now, McGwire has not even sniffed the 75% of the vote to reach Cooperstown. People have decided to punish McGwire for alleged crimes against baseball purity.

This topic has been written about by countless numbers of people and I by no means consider my opinion higher than anyone else's but I think it is time we move on. Baseball has instituted testing and it seems to be effective. The power numbers that were every where during the "Steroid Era" have dramatically decreased and people are showing up in droves to ballparks across the nation (outside of Miami.) Mark McGwire has moved on with his life. He is quietly enjoying retirement, playing a lot of golf, raising two young children with his wife of seven years, and staying out of the public eye. I say put McGwire in the Hall, keep all performance enhancing drugs out of baseball, and really appreciate the things that truly are remarkable.

Detroit's Long Municipal Nightmare is Over

Kwame, Kwame, Kwame. Let this be a lesson for you. If you become the mayor of a city it is a bad idea to have strippers over to the mayoral mansion, fire persons with knowledge of that party, get sued by those people, come to a $8.4 million settlement with those people, saddle the city with paying for that settlement without fully disclosing the fact, use city credit cards like you are playing Monopoly, sleep with your chief of staff, lie about sleeping with your chief of staff, use a city cell phone to send explicit text messages to your chief of staff/lover, hold a funeral for a racial slur then resurrect said racial slur in the state of the city address, and then assault people trying to serve court orders.

Here is how a mayor should act:


(I know this was when she was governor but I just had to post it. )

Now that Kwame has officially turned in his letter of resignation let just remind you of something another famous Michigander once said:

...Thomas Jefferson said the people are the only sure reliance for the
preservation of our liberty. And down the years, Abraham Lincoln renewed this
American article of faith asking, "Is there any better way or equal hope in the
world?"

Even though this is late in an election year, there is no way we can go
forward except together and no way anybody can win except by serving the
people's urgent needs. We cannot stand still or slip backwards. We must go
forward now together....

I believe that truth is the glue that holds government together, not only
our Government but civilization itself. That bond, though strained, is unbroken
at home and abroad.

In all my public and private acts as your President, I expect to follow
my instincts of openness and candor with full confidence that honesty is always
the best policy in the end.

My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.

Give it up for Gerald Ford ladies and gentlemen.

What's the worst that could happen...oh, that's bad...

After watching Michigan get owned this weekend I decided I needed some cheering up. There was an article on CNN.com about a Michigan State student that rapped about the new particle accelerator that is being built in France and Switzerland. In the rap she explains very complicated sub-atomic physics in a simple and fun way. (A side note: I am as impressed as everyone else that Michigan State students are smart enough to do anything but keg stands and burn couches.) Here is the video:



Fun video right? Is your brain hurting yet? If you didn't quite get the lingo the Cern Large Hadron Collider is being built so scientifically minded folks can try to figure out crazy ass shit. If all goes well the collider will provide insights about anti-matter, the creation of the universe, the existence of other dimensions, and all sorts of other sci-fi type stuff. Sounds great right? Well there may be a problem. The experiments may create a new black hole every second.

Now Stephen Hawkings and others says that the experiments probably won't create black holes and even if they do the black holes will be so incredibly tiny they won't do any damage. Apparently any black hole that is created will be traveling at such a fast speed that it will fly right off the planet and off into space. If any black holes were somehow trapped on Earth, they would be so incredibly small they would only "eat" one proton every 100 hours and could pass through a block of iron that stretched from here to the moon without touching it. (Weird huh?)

I don't know about this though. I know companies do a cost-benefit calculation where they set an acceptable level of deaths caused by their product but in those cases they deal with relatively small numbers of deaths. Here, the smallest number of deaths associated with the creation of an unexpectedly large black hole would be...carry the one...cross multiple and divide...um...every living thing and planet in the solar system. Given the large possible "cost" I don't know if any benefit would be worth it. Beside remember what happened the last time man messed with black holes?



The Lifeboat Foundation, one of the critics of the new collider, has created a program to investigate and hopefully stop a particle accelerator from destroying, well, everything but that is not the only thing on their agenda. Aside from particle acceleration issues, the Lifeboat Foundation has projects aimed at preventing or defending against such annoyances as rouge asteroids, nanobot infestations, attacks from artificial intelligence, radical climate change, Internet destruction, nuclear holocaust, and alien invasion. Some of their projects actually seem pretty reasonable while others, not so much. Their plan for alien invasion? Diplomacy. What a bunch of liberal wienies. They conclude that any alien species that has the ability to travel across space must have the technology to kick our ass so all we can do is talk to them and hope they like us. I say when the aliens invade the time for diplomacy is over and we need to nuke 'em and we need to nuke 'em now. Let's send Sarah Palin with her bull moose rifle up to the mother ship and she'll take care of business. The aliens will rue the day they messed with humans and Alaskan vice presidential candidates.

The Real 2008 College Football (ahem, Michigan) Preview

Here is the thing about Michigan right now, I don't know anything. I will predict 9 wins but I really have no idea about what to expect. In the past Michigan had a reputation of being very secretive. Carr would not allow media access to practice, would restrict players from press conferences, and would generally not tell you anything about anything. The doors to outsiders that were closed by Carr were opened immediately by Rich Rodriguez when he took over. He lets cameras and reporter watch various practice sessions, regularly speaks to the media, and has been extremely accommodating to all comers. That being said he hasn't told anyone anything about anything. Nobody, from ESPN down to Bubba Tunes, has any real idea about what type of team will take the field on Saturday against Utah. We know Rodriguez has used a spread offense and is likely to use that this year but we don't really know what that will look like with the players he has. It will probably be pass oriented but with four running backs with a legitimate chance to each receive over 100 touches a piece, it could be all about the run.

Damn it. I ran out of time before class so further expansion and analysis of the defense and special teams has become impossible. For your reading pleasure, however, here are some quick and rough predictions:
-Nick Sheridan will start the first four games, lose his spot, and then win it back and start in the last six games.
-Michigan, shades of 1969, will beat Ohio State this year.
-Wisconsin will not be as good as people think they are.
-Heisman will go to Chase Daniel.
-Michigan wins the Capital One Bowl for the second time in a row.

We Got a Real Hum-Dinger Here

Well it is that time of the year once again. The days are growing shorter (grow shorter? can that even happen?), the air is getting crisper (again, how can a gas take on the physical property of "crispness?"), and the campuses across the nation are welcoming back their students (and by this I mean they have start cashing the tuition checks.) Every fall Bubba Tunes is proud to present the most in depth and comprehensive coverage of college football...if by in depth you mean "barely scratching the surface" and by comprehensive you mean "totally focusing on Michigan and poorly at that." So without further ado, here is the BUBBA TUNES 2008 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW...

The two teams on top of the polls this preseason are Ohio State and Georgia. Both teams had decent years last year. OSU played in the National Championship game and lost while Georgia felt they should have played for the National Championship but didn't so they beat up on a Hawaii team that had absolutely no business playing in the BCS. The media saw these two performances and immediately thought these are the two best teams in the Nation and should be so designated officially. Meanwhile in the rest of the country people yawned. USC ended the year last year trouncing an Illinois team, while defying all expectations, that could not come close to measuring up to the Trojans. USC was rewarded for their effort by being ranked 2 and 3 in the coaches and AP polls respectively. All three teams are returned a lot of starters from last year and have recruited well so there is some justification for their high rankings to start the season but it seems to me the media is focusing too much on last year and not on the facts on the ground today.

If one were to be completely objective and look at all 119(?) I-A (that's what my daddy called it so that is what I call it) division football there could only be one logical and undeniable conclusion as to who the number one ranked team should be this year: The University of Michigan. I know, I know. You are all laughing and think that I am delusional but in the famous words of Lee Corso, not so fast my friends. Michigan should be ranked for one reason and one reason only: Mike Barwis.

If you are unfamiliar with Mike Barwis then you should be destroyed as he is familiar with you and can, and will, take you down. Mike Barwis, unlike Chuck Norris, actually does have tears that cure cancer but doesn't need to cry because he can just beat the cancer into remission. This is Mike Barwis:

Mike Barwis once killed himself a whole division of the Soviet Union's secret genetically engineered super-soldiers, brought them back to life again, taught them how to optimize their potential in the weight room, introduced them to democracy, and eventually turned them into Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor.

Mike Barwis drafted the original Declaration of Independence in the spring of 1764.

In, the under card bout at Habitat for Humanity charity boxing event event, Mike Barwis boxed Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield, former Presidents Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, and former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher all at the same time. Barwis knocked them all out 30 seconds into the first round he built 75 Habitat Houses in 25 urban centers across America all before the main event started. (Incidentally, the main event was Godzilla versus Charles Barkley versus the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles versus the Cheetah Girls with the Cheetah Girls winning by TKO in the 14th round.)

Mike Barwis relies on two principles: 1. Mike Barwis; and 2. Mike F'ing Barwis.

So given all of this, Michigan's ranking as the nation's top program is a given.

Talk About Sausagefest

Okay since I last posted the follow events have taken place:
1. The Olympics started in China with an opening ceremony that news agencies report was anything ranging from "glorious" to "God-like." After people found out computer generated fireworks were used and an cute girl pulled a Milli Vanili these same news agencies downgraded the opening ceremony to "amazingly awesome" and "totally better than anything the West could ever dream possible...capitalist swine."
2. Bernie Mac died from complications associated with pneumonia.
3. Russia invaded and bombed the shit out of Georgia. People all over Atlanta started building fire breaks and sighing "not again" before they realized it was Georgia the country, not Georgia the state.
4. Michael Phelps won the gold 8 times. When asked about his record setting performance, Phelps said, "Okay, I guess it is cool but have you seen how much weight Terrance Taylor lost? Freaking amazing man. Watch out for those Wolverines. Watch the hell out."
5. A bunch of other stuff I don't remember or don't feel like writing about.

What I really wanted to bring your attention to is this. If you are like me and just will not click on hyperlinks in suspect blogs, here's the skinny: The mayor of Mount Isa, a mining town in Northwest Australia, is under fire because he said ugly women should move to the town and find a mate. Mount Isa has a population of 25,000 and the male to female ratio is five to one and the mayor hoped inviting Australian female Quasimodos would help balance things out. Mayor John Maloney said that Mount Isa was a place for"ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and that the "beauty disadvantaged" would be a welcome addition to the town. After his comments were published in a newspaper people got pissed and yelled at him.

I don't see a problem with sending all of the ugly people of the world to Australia. The country started as a penal colony and can now be used as a ugly bastard colony. This would greatly improve the quality of life for people like me that are incredibly good looking (a.k.a. Zoolanderesque). I say send the people who fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down to Australia and let me go to the mall and not have to see them waiting in line at Auntie Anne's or buying clothes that are just too stylish for their ugly faces at H & M. Think of all the health care dollars wasted on ugly people. (We all know beautiful people don't need the hospital, they just look in a mirror and are cured.) If we didn't have to spend our tax dollars on the sick people we could spend them on hair care products and screen print t-shirts that accentuate my perfect triceps.

I know a lot of you ugly people are getting offended right now but come on, you're ugly so why the hell should I care? For the non-ugly readers out there, if you have any other groups of people you would like to send to Australia post a comment.

Summer = Lame Posts

Okay so I am not the best summer blogger in the world. If it makes you feel any better I spent the weekend in Los Angeles throwing up none stop for about 9 hours and then having to fly 6 hours home the next day. I have not wanted to eat since. For your further entertainment here is some newly discovered (by me) music:



Also, college football is gearing up and school starts before the fortnight is through so expect more posts and more quality. Until then, Go Cards and Screw the Cubs.